Life Is So Unpredictable

When That Day Will Come?

2005-09-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today is a peaceful day nothing much has happen. But thinking about my future makes me ponder and wonder a lot. During lunch today, I was talking with my colleague and we are from the same batch. We went training together and had our fun time but only till recently days that we come closer as she was just seated opposite me. So we tend to talk more and joke more with each other.

Remember the times when we are having training there are a total of 20 of us. But now left with only 5 of us. I as asking her, who she will think will leave first out of this 5. and the first person she say was me. I was having the same thoughts too, cause I am one of the youngest there and still have plenty of opportunities waiting for me. Besides that I’m still waiting to fulfill my dreams and the day will come soon. And I strong believe that day will definitely come.

Its Another Day

2005-09-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

Hours and hours of waiting and I told myself that I must learn to expect less in life. Cause the least I expect the least I will felt disappointed. I was right that you will chose to ignore the SMS that I sent you and will not do anything about it. Some times it really makes wonder that do you really receive my SMS or not.

Guess I have to slowly wait and learn to let go already. You didn’t bother so much and practically dun care whether do am I alive or not. Perhaps you are doing all this to drive me crazy and eventually withdraw and give up on you. You are so selfish and unmanly of you to do all this. Hey, you are a guy why can you tell me straight and I am able to take it. why are you hiding and avoiding and lastly ignoring me. Can’t we just talk things out and settle once and for all?

Whatever it is, I shall not think about it anymore cause it will makes me cry. I shall look forward to my long holiday and a holiday that I look forward to you. It would be better that I could actually leave Singapore.

Rainy Day My Missing For You Is So Bad

2005-09-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

Finally its my day off and the only thing that I wanna do is to sleep and yes I did manage to catch up with my sleep that I have lost over the past weeks. While, dunno what’s the special occasion today, my missing for you is so bad and terrible. I kept thinking of you non stop since yesterday night to now.

Perhaps its raining, that’s why my missing for you is so bad. Thinking about how nice it will be if I could be by your side and hug you to sleep in the wonderful weather. But this will never happen again. My missing for you is as bad as what it used to be back then when you went for your short holiday. The missing is beyond words and it cannot be expressed out.

That butch was asking me and she find it very funny. She asked me, since I still miss you and have feeling for you why dun I call you or sms you. I didn’t know what to say but I told her that I did actually do all this, but every time when I do it I have no response from you. Therefore, I will not know what’s on your mind and what you are exactly thinking about. All this while its like a one way traffic.

Guess that I’m too sentiment, I looked at those sms that you once sent me. And you told me that you wanna me be the only girl in the rest of your life. Nobody can replace me in your heart and I’m the only girl that makes you wanna settle down and you wants me to be your legal wife and be called Mrs Wong. This will never happen anymore and I nearly cried when I saw those SMS. Images just flash across my mind when I received those SMS

Finally, I sent you an SMS to tell you my missing. But I’m for sure that 101% that I will not get a reply for you. But its ok, somewhat I’m used to it already. You will not reply SMS that is not significant or important and no not say that will not bring sales to you. I guess I should not wait for you to reply casue it will never happen.

I wonder, couples break up and they manage to reconcile with each other and get back together. But why can I have that kind of fortunate and have a chance to talk things out with you. This is very cruel on me but the reality is also cruel. How can I stop my missing for you?

Its Just Another Day Of Missing

2005-09-03T01:44:00.000-07:00

3 September 2005, Saturday – Rainy

How I wised that I need not have to get up and go to work today. And stay at home for the rest of my day to sleep. I really need sleep and my complexion is really bad recently due to the fact that I slept late and do not have suffix sleeps. As usual, I took a very long time to get up from bed and go to work.

I was feeling so sleepy and tired during work and I keep yawning non stop. But the lucky thing was Saturday normal dun have much calls. So I landed up talking with other colleagues, talking and gossiping about others. We hardly have the chance to talk to each other non work related stuff during normal working others. Saturday is the only more relax time for us and we had our good times.

After work, just so happened that we have nothing to do so I went down to bugis with that butch. We went to have desert at this place and went we went into the shop, you suddenly flash across my mind. I remember how you first called me “lao po” when we are in the shop over at Chinatown. While we are waiting for our food, you kept looking at me. I asked you why you kept looking at me? And you replied that you just like looking at me. I still can recall very clearly the whole image. But wonder how long will it last in my memories lane.

Then throughout the night while we are out, I was shopping and trying clothing. I happen to be at TOPSHOP and saw couples of strip tops and you came across my mind too. I so much wanted to get the top for you but something just holds me back. We headed to somewhere for a drink and we seat down to chat. We suddenly talk about secondary school life. And it just so happened that we did actually meet each other 7 yeas back when we are still schooling.

When we talked about it, we totally can’t recall we seen each other before and just so coincident that we meet again 7 years later. So the best thing was her cousin was my poly classmates. And her cousin was surely a very smart ass and really excels in his studies. We got so much to talk about just like a long lost friend. We have so many similarities as in the problem we faced when we first got in poly and blah blah blah. I find my life is so dramatic when I know you but it still continues until now. Guess it will not change for the rest of it.

As it was late and I was walking down my staircase, I saw that different spot on the floor that you once mapped on it. It just reminds me of our good old time back then and this will never gonna happen again.

Is My Waiting Worthwhile

2005-09-02T23:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my day off, and I wanted very much to stay home and rest to catch up with my lost of sleep. But having second thoughts of whether to stay at home or not. When I stayed home, there is nothing much I can do also. So I finally drag my tired and heavy body to work.

While I was at work, I didn’t have the extra time to think about anything else as I’m so busy doing my work as I have to meet target. As I cant concentrate, I ask my colleague to help me with some emails. But this always come with a price, landed up gotta buy her coffee to show my appreciation towards her. I was so surprised that she help me, as she have her own emails to do as well.

I did OT for 8 hours and finally its time for me to go home, as it was raining I sudden have a lot of flash back. On my way home, I started to think about a lot of things. Its about 4 months that we last see each other, and slowly it will be 6 months and followed by 1 year. If we are going at the stage that we are going now, soon enough we will lost touch with each other.

I guess this is a better for both parties right, we choice our own way. and this can only happen once in life. So we shall let it continue this way as I dun have any better solution to it. maybe by them I might have wounded heart have cover and dun wanna get hurt anymore.

Although, I very much wanted to forgo this relationship as soon as possible but its always easier. This is like neither here or there and it have been hanging there. Recently, I have been missing you a lot and the missing is very bad. At times, I ask myself is it worth it to bring so much pain. will my waiting have returns? I guess I will never have answer to it. Only time will tell. But I should have guessed the outcome by now.

Wonder Wonder Wonder

2005-09-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Its another and still have no news from you yet. It really makes me wonder have you receive the thing and read the email that I sent to you. Or you simply ignore everything that shows or reflects my name.

I finally took up my hp and sent you an SMS asking whether have you receive your ring that I return. You took sometime to reply me but at least you replied and you say that you did not received, it really puzzled me a lot. I handed the thing personally to your mum and she should have placed it on your table.

And when you return you should have seen the thing, but you didn’t even SMS and acknowledged it. just like the other time when I return the ring to you, your mum did the same thing but you manage to see it why not this time round? And your SMS towards me was very cold too. Seems like you really wanna break contact with me, it this is the case then I’ll have to respect your decision. Furthermore, I’m not your whosoever to control your life.

I was waiting for you to SMS me the whole night to see whether have you received the thing yet. But you never and I really wanna know have your or have you not received the thing. I can only used my imagination to think whether the whole thing have reached you.

It Just Another Day of Waiting

2005-08-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's another day, I woke up extra early just to check my mails and everything possible that you can reached me. But no new mails, no message no nothing from you. Haiz, guess that sometimes in life we should not expect too much. Cause the more we expect the more disappointment it will lead us to. Maybe we dun expected and dun wait for it will come when I least expect it huh?

Finally got my pay today and when I looked at the amount I was do happy. All my hard work get paid off at the end of the month. Decided to go for a shopping spree but gotta think carefully and plan where my money should go to. Well, doing OT again but today will be the finally day to do OT. And from tomorrow onwards will have to adjust by going home early.

I was thinking, perhaps thinking too much and this will never happened caused I know you will not going to do anything about it. I was thinking that you could have appeared at my void desk waiting for me to get home and explained everything to be. But then once again, this can only happen in my dreams and no where else.

Oh well, this another day still no new from you. are your deliberately trying to avoid me or have I really done something wrong that you didn’t even wanna speak to me anymore? Didn’t you say that if any thing I still can SMS but you always dun seems to reply to my SMS. Sometimes, it really makes me wonder are you still alive in the world or not. Your attitude to me is like you have vanished into the think air.

Never its ok, I will wait patiently for you to give me a reply. Well, it is just another day of missing for you.

你好相判了我死形式的，毫无给我身纯的余地。。。
就算被判死刑者，他们还可以上诉。。。
但是你却没给我反驳的机会。。。
这是为何能？？

Love That Never Been Reciprocate

2005-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Today is finally the day that I'm going to send you the cross stitch that I have made for you. As past mid night I have sent you the powepoint slide that I have made specially for you. I'm so excited and was hoping that I have an reply from you but I waited for the whole day nothing had happen. Not a sms or phone call for you. I was very much saddened by it though but I have already expected this will be the outcome.

I was so prepared to get the things send to your place personally. After work, I left immediately to catch bus 168. The whole ride I was having mixed feeling. Was thinking about a lot of things. I didn't wanna think of that but it just keep flashing across my mind non stop. I finally reached the bus stop and took a very slow walked to your void deck. On my way, I was thinking whether should I drop the thing inside your mail box or have it delivery to your door step. I was scared that you are at home too. And if I called your place and you happened to pick up the call and we meet each other and the scene will be very embarrassed.

When I finally reached your void deck, I hesitated and dunno whether to call your place or not. I finally took up the courage and called your place. It was your mum that picked up the call. And I say that I have something to pass it you and will pop by your place in 5 mins times. I was at the familiar place once again and handled over the thing to your mum and I left. Suddenly I have the thought that Karen might still be staying at your place. And she will open up the thing along with the letter that I have written for you.

On my way home, I kept thinking of what will be your reaction will be like when you see the thing. Or maybe it wasn't you who will open up the thing. I waited throughout the night but still no new from you. Very much sadden by it and I dun wanna wait for longer as I know there wun be any reply so I went to sleep as I was not feeling that well too. When I suddenly wake up at around 5 plus. I saw that there is actually 5 MISSED CALL. The caller have been calling from 02:56:04 all the way too 03:00:11. I was wondering who will call me at this hour. The first person that comes across my mind is only Karen. But it could be you but I have no clues about it. As you chose to be the passive party and keep mum about the whole thing.

I really hope and wished that you can response to me and stop being so cold to me. I can't take the coldness that you are giving me. I know that you might be busy but at least give me a response. I told my colleague what happen and I actually did cry and she tries to console me. Seems like my missing for you have not subside at all....

My Lost Needle

2005-08-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Coming to month end soon, and time really passes fast when you are so occupied with things. And you are totally worn out and dun has the spare time to think about anything else even mentioning about making love. Thinking back it’s come close to like 4 months that we has last seen each other. Perhaps this day will never come only god will know what will happen next.

When I was home from work today, I realize that the tiny weeny little needle I have lost finally appear right in front of me. The moment it leads me to think that, what is yours will really be yours. And no matter where did your part and lose each other, it will eventually come back to you.

It all happen when I was still doing my cross stitich, and I had 2 needles. As the needle was given my colleague the tip of the needle is finer. Therefore, it’s easier for me to go through the holes in between. But I was too engrossed in my stitch that I have accidentally flipped the needle away. I tried looking around the area for it. I even sweep the floor for several times in hoping that I can sweep the tiny weeny little needle up.

I failed to do so, I’m a little disappointed and sad that I’m unable to find that needle. So I decided not to look for it anymore. And who knows, when I decided not to search it actually did appear right in font of me. This is funny isn’t it, guess ones life is so funny and have a lot of funny encounters too.

Busy Sunday

2005-08-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

Finally it’s a day off for me, and I can use this time to really catch up my sleep and recharged my battery. Feel that this Sunday it’s very well spent as I used my time to watch as much episode of the Korean drama as possible as I need to return it to my colleague.

Besides watching the show, I am busy doing my power point presentation too. Felt a sense of satisfaction when I have it complete. But was thinking that, its quite big a file size and dunno how to send it over to you. Even though it just a power point presentation but I feel very happy when I have completed.

Nothing much have happened today, so it will be a very short one for the day.

Weekend Is So Busy

2005-08-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was suppose to wake up at 12.30 am to watch my DVD but what I fool I am. I was too tired that I did actually fall asleep immediate when I lay on my bed. So I did forget that I was actually taking a nap. The next moment when my alarm ring, I thought it time to work up for work. I hurried myself up from the bed and wonder why the sky is so dark when I have to wake up to work. The next moment when I am more sober, I then realize that I was taking a nap. Stop my alarm snoozing and when back to sleep.

What a silly joke is that, when I told my colleague when I went to work today they were all laughing at me. Say that I’m too engross with work till I bring work to sleep. Guess that if I really find a job that I like, I will really be a workaholic. The only thing that I wanna do is to work and work and work. After working, you will just feel very tired and totally drain.

My friend is in town and wanted to meet up, but I have to see my 2 other friends whether can they make it or not. Cause it pretty last minute so it wasn’t really well planned yet. So was waiting for them to give me a reply but none of them did. So I treat it as it is not confirmed and I went home as I have tones of things to do but time is running out.
As deadline is drawing nearer, my things are not completed yet I’m a bit worried. But hope my effort will not go into the drain and you really know how to appreciate it.

Cant Get Up To Work

2005-08-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

Suppose to wake up at 0630 to get ready for work as I did promised my colleague that they will see my face at 0800. I set my alarm at 0630 but I let it snooze till 0800 hours before I finally got up and get ready for work. Imagine how my hp suffered just to wake me up and the number of times it ringing. When I go to work I'm half awake only and kept saying the wrong thing while I was on the phone.

Oh my this is so tiring that have to work for almost 12 hours a day, now then I know how tired it can be and you totally have no time for anything else. I got a lot of things to do but just too little time to have them completed. No wonder some people will say 24 hours a day is not sufficient. For me now, I will say the same thing as well. Even better I dun have to sleep and can used that time to do something else.

Didn't do OT over work as I meet my mum to go somewhere temple. While I was at the temple, I wanted to concentrate but I'm just too tired and my eye lids are so so heaving. Will just fall asleep at any moment. I manage to tahan it through and during the way home and I just sleep in the bus. The moment I reached home, I managed to some something and wanted to take a nap first then after waking up I can do something else. But who know I sleep to day break. I'm so so so tired.

Need A Break

2005-08-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

Suppose to go to work early to do OT but the stupid bus stop at practically every bus stop. Landed me didn’t reached office in time. So have to start work at the normal shift which is 0930 hrs. Throughout the day, I was feeling very tired and sleepy keep yawning. So during lunch, when to shop around and tried some clothing. Too bad my lunch hour is only 45mins so I do not have sufficient time to shop and consider what I wanna buy.

So after work, I SMS my sis and ask her to meet me at Tampines to give me comment on the things I wanna buy. Upon her arrival we when for dinner first and I wanted to tell her that if we happen to meet anyone please dun waste time talking to time. Gotta meet my agenda for the day. Who knows when I wanted to tell her that her friend call and say that he was somewhere near.

Landed they bumped into each other while talking on the phone, in the end we have to walk back to the food court to have desert. And the funny thing was, there is a guy beside us and I notice that his flipper wasn’t zip. Oh boy, his brother must be feeling cold. We didn’t dare to tell him about it. Until we are laughing and joking till he realize it. Can tell from his face that he was so embrassed. He went to the toilet for quite some time, hoping that we will leave by then.

After that, we headed to a German restaurant over at Upper East Cost Road. The food there was not too bad. Oh my, my sis friend is so knowledgeable and so well traveled. He told us a lot of things about his encounters while he was traveling. As he was with Value Air so he did tell us stories about his work and all their colleagues. After what he have told me, really makes me wanna fly more.

Feeling very tired, after washing up and finised doing my stuff I headed back to sleep and I even have the energy to think about anything else. Promised my colleague that I will definitely be at work at 8 am. But I doubt that I am able to do so.

Miss You Again

2005-08-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Its coming to an end of a week soon, and I have been home at 8 plus 9 everyday. Being busy working and dun have the extra time to think about something else. But I'm a gal overall, so at times at night I will feel lonely and really need someone's company. The butch called me and we had a long chat. She is a very nice person to talk to. Probably because we are all from gal school before and we are off the same horoscope and we can associate a lot of things.

We did talk about relationship, and she asked me am I still in contact with you. I say not at this point of time and she asked why? I was speechless, I dunno myself too. Perhaps, just like you I dun like rejection. When I SMS you a few times or called you for a few times if no response from you I wun flood your inbox or mail box. If you wanna call me back you will but apparently you never do that. So what can I do right?

Later she asked me, do I miss you. And I say of cause I do miss you a lot. But my missing for you can only be kept to myself. The best is my missing for you will not have a return. She did ask me to SMS you and tell you that I miss you. I tried but always fail to get a response from you, this makes me feel very dishearten and I do not want to bang myself against the wall anymore cause it really hurts. Sometimes, I do wonder are you really that busy? Till you cant even reply my SMS or call.

I told her about the wonderful time we did once shared and you will go all out for me but eventually this is the ending that you ask for. That is pretty sad huh, but what to do what are meant to be it will be. What is not yours it will not be. Cant get to sleep and there is nothing much I can do without a computer, I need to finished up a lot of things and my time is running out.

Old Memories Being Triggered

2005-08-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

Having to going to work 30 mins earlier just to do OT, so hardworking and I do admire myself. But nothing much to do expect to answer call so it's pretty already. But normally at the end of the day will feel very drain and tired and no extra energy to do anything else. Now when I come to work, will feel that someone is looking at me and monitoring my actions.

It is the butch in my company that is interested in me. Where ever I go I'll find that someone is looking at me. Then today, she finally took the courage to email me and I was quite puzzled too. By the way she wrote those email just reminds me of what happen to us about 1 year back. When we had our happy times and how you wanna dated me, till we finally get together. All the images are just so fresh on my mind.

When I went lunch with my colleague, she just happen to ask about my love history with you. so I told her want happen and what we went through and finally get together. While we are dating, what are the things we have done. She commented that you are really such a sweet guy. Later she did ask me again, what exactly when wrong in our relationship. I seriously have not clue about it. Can you give me a reason to it.

Frankly, I really wanna know what exactly happen that causes the 2 of us to lead separate ways. Whatever it is, what are meant to be it will be. No point forcing cause it wun bring happiness too. Having to talk about you, I started to miss you badly again. The missing for you is still so bad. Imagine how deep I have fallen for you. anyway, you wun lack of gals telling you that they miss you and wanna meet you.

My Missing For You Is So Bad

2005-08-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

22 August 2005, Monday – Cloudy

It’s the start of another week, time really passes fast boy man. This is my 6th month into this company, later then it will be a year. And soon enough I will be 25 then 26 and its time to get married and settle down with a family.

I always have the dream or wanted to get myself married off at the age of 25 – 26 but was wondering am I able to do so. But now that I’m 22 and I still have not fullfill my dreams yet and its like another 3 – 4 years time. Wonder what will be the life like when I really get married. Lead a brand new life together with my husband.

Have to think of him and not only myself already. As I grow older I really think that is not easy being a parents and having a family of our own. There is so many commitment and things to look after. Oh my, why am I thinking all about this? I still got a long way to go before settling down and have family.

During work, talked to a collueage of my through emails. Then the way she replied me its just reminds me of the time when were back at Comat. We communicate through emails where MSN was still not installed for you. When I was about to sleep, I was thinking of you so badly. I want have to urge to SMS you to tell you all this. But I guess even if I have done so, I will not get any reply from you.

It have been months that I have remove the ring from my finger. Thought I will get used to not having the ring there anymore. But recently, I just felt that the ring is still there on my middle finger. Sub consciously, I will tend to touch the ring and rotate it. but realising it that there was nothing there. Was it my sub conscience or was it really the ring that really bonds us together. I really dunno, perhaps only time can tell.

All I have to do is to wait for 30 August to come and will give it back to you all at one time.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS YOU EVERYDAY????

I Got A Cold, Ah Cheeeew

2005-08-21T02:34:00.000-07:00

Having a company gathering at Wild Wild Wet today, looking at the weather dun think many of my colleagues will appear. I’m sure many of them will back up at the last minute and give excuse not to go. I wanted to back up but did promise them I will turn up and they will definitely see my face there.

Got my things ready the day before, so woke up on time and set off for the day. Thought the rain has subsided and sun will raise high up. But who knows it has been raining on and off and it have dark clouds here and there. At times I’m wondering am I playing with the water or rain. The place isn’t a fantastic place to be at, it is cater more to the kids and the activity there is also very limited.

Will get bored when you finished playing all the stuff, fantasy island is better and more fun as compared to the Wild Wild Wet. But too bad fantasy island is no longer around. Having to play all the things in there. Me and one of my colleague landed up talking at one of the pool, later I caught a cold. Because it have been drizzling and the wind was blowing. And we are soaked in the pool and the water is not warm. The moment we step out of the pool, I was freezing. My teeth were having a battle with each other, and we took our things and went to bath straight away. Lucky I took my sweater along to keep myself warm.

But it was too late, on my way home I kept sneezing non stop. The feeling was so terrible, but still manages to take it but was still feeling cold. Having to be in the water for so long, I’m very tired and went to have a nap. As my desktop have breakdown with gods know the reason, everyone of us was like snatching to use the poor little laptop of my bros.

My sister say that she will let me used as she need to do her work. So the moment she passes it to me, I went back from the toilet she started to use again. I was like ok, since you wanna use then continue using. After a short while, she passed it back to me I was very irritated already because she will come and check her stuff once in a while. Finally, she walked away and do her stuff. There comes my bro, he purpose comeby and have his hand lay on the laptop. I was really angry by then, and I say I dun wanna used already and everyone just walked away from the laptop. Asshole, you know how angry I was or not.

I always been so kind to them that I let them used the comp as and when they like. Then when I wanna used it, I only can used it at late hours where all of them have when to bed and finished their things. They are selfish people, I also need to work and wake up early the next time.

I AM SO ANGRY!!!

Cant Wake Up For Work

2005-08-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

My alarm rang from 0730 hours all the way to 0900 hours before I finally get out of my bed and go to work. My original shift for today is suppose to be from 1100 - 2000 hours. But I wanted to do OT so I go to office at 1000 hours. Oh my, I'm so tired and really dun feel like waking up and go to work. But I dun have a chose though, as I have made a bet with my colleague that I will definitely appear at work and I wun be late. To my surprise they are all more hardworking then I do, they reached earlier on their off day. Wow, we are really a salve of money.

Day went by and it was so boring, everyone started reading papers that one of my colleagues bought. Her newspaper was really worth her 80 cents. The papers was read by so many peoples and being past around. Time really passes so slowly today and when after 1800 hours left with only few peoples around. So bored, nobody to talk to me and we cannot surf net here. This is the worst thing ever. But doesn't matter time passes quite fast as I was gossiping with my colleague.

During lunch, we were talking about her fling? The other half? Partner? Dunno whats the relationship between the 2 of them. Just say that they are seeing each other, have feeling for each other but no commitments. Then, she told me that how sweet the guy was to her and they will start their day by SMS each other morning and end a good night SMS to end their day. It just reminds me how sweet we were back then. We will SMS each other in the morning and end our days with phone chat. But slowly and gradually it call come to a stop. I told her that how sweet you were when you will give me a love seed every time you see me and even give me a container and say that you want to give me until you fill up the container but this promise will not come true.

She then suddenly ask me, why my relationship suddenly come to an end. I was caught, and I didn't know how to reply to her. As I really dunno what exactly happy between the both of us and you called off the relationship. And she added, do I still have feeling for you. I told her that I have no clues for that. I seriously dunno how to answer to her. As I explained to her that, i might told myself that the feeling have faded when I'm really busy and tired and very occupied because I dun have the spare time to think about anything else. But on the other hand, when I looked at the photos we took, the things we have done together the feeling will come back. And the good memories will just linger on my mind for a very time. I'm confused myself and I did not answer her question directly. Cause I dun have an answer to it. For the good times or the bad times, life still have to go on.

Oh my today is a very tired day, and having a terrible headache now....need to have some sleep.

Drain and Tired

2005-08-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Suppose to be my day off, but didn't wanted to stay home. And nothing much for me to do at home too so woke up and went to work as per normal. Dunno why, my mood wasn't right today. And I get irritated very easily and feel like scolding those people who ask me stupid question. At one point of the day, I just feel like packing my things and go home and sleep.

I'm feeling very physically and mentally tired after days of working for so long. Some times, I wonder why am I working so hard. Izzit because I really need money or I just need this time to numb myself and try no to think of the past sad things. I really dunno myself and hope that I can have an answer to it. after work, reached home I'm really exhausted and drain. I went to bath without bring my brain in, I used the body foam as the shampoo to wash my hair. Later then I realize that I used the wrong thing. I washed it off. Oh my, what a silly thing I have done.
Before my hair was dry, I went to bed already because my eye lids are so heavy and I cant even think well. Guess that I’m have been lacking sleep till my memories is feeling me.

Today will be a short one, I need to sleep a long long sleep.

My Health Screening

2005-08-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

My company have arrange a health screening conducted by NKF. Well, the TL here is a bit the in flexible so we have to go during our pathetic 45 mins lunch break. But not too worry we have more then sufficient time for the screening. I'm so excited about it and was looking forward to it and we are talking about it too. 2 hours before the screening we are not suppose to eat anything only plain water is allowed.

We will be check on the following

Blood Cholesterol Test
Blood Glucose Test
Urinalysis
Blood Pressure Measurement
Waist-Hip Ratio Measurement Body Mass Index
Body Fat Composition Analysis

We have to go and pee and collect our own urine, I went together with Jean and told her that its better to be a guy at this point of time. Cause we can just pee directly into the container that was given to us. The urine that I pee out was warm just like the home make fresh brew Tea. We went back to the mobile bus fill up a damn long form and have everything check on that little cramp bus. Got everything tested and this are the result for my screening.

Blood Cholesterol -- 177 mg/dl
Blood Glucose Test -- 84 mg/dl
Urinalysis -- PH 6
Blood Pressure Measurement - 113/71
Waist-Hip Ratio Measurement -- 0.74, Wasit: 66 cm, Hip 89 cm (my figure still not bad)
Body Mass Index -- 20.8
Body Fat Composition Analysis - 23.8%

Counselling - I'm healthy and need to eat healthily and exercise regularly.

I went in less then 5 mins and haven warmed the seat yet I was ask to leave already. Because everything was just so normal and fine. I starred at that person for a while before I left. All I need to do is maintain and keep fit. Oh my, must start to do some exercise to slim down a little.

We were all talking about the screening thing and I guess I’m the only normal person that. The rest was like this one too high, that one too high. Maybe I’m very health and image consciences, so I’m on all guard to look good and stay good. Health is more important as compare to anything else.

HEALTH = MONEY
MONEY ‡ HEALTH

What Will Meant To Be It Will Be

2005-08-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

Looking back at the calendar, little did I realise that I had been in my current company for half a year. Oh man, how times flies and little did I know it will be 1 year and dunno whether I can stay on for so long or not? Nobody will have an exact answer to it, maybe I will stay on, maybe I will leave and even best I will start flying.

My future is so clueless and I have to path is out slowly and carefully to see what is really good and bad for me. Thinking about how time flies also makes me think that how long have we parted and how coldly have you been treating me for the past month. As I looked back at the SMS that you sent me, no matter what happen I can always SMS you. But I think that is bullshit ya? Cause no matter what I do to you, eventually at the end of the date I will not get an reply from you. So whats the point right? So must as well I solved my own problems rather then seeking help from others.

I dunno why are you doing all this to me, giving me such cold treatment and did even wanna reply me. Since this is the case then I shall let it be, perhaps you have an answer to what you really wanna already. Forcing you will not bring happiness to any of the parties. Just let it be then.

I Wanna Study Mass Comm

2005-08-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

Stomach still feel a little bloated but not feeling so bad, so when to work as normal. I think sometimes its all up to one’s mind to decide what he is feeling or doing. If he keeps thinking that he is sick he will be sick. Work went on as per normal, nothing much had happen though, so nothing much for me to write too.

As I was writing the letter to you, I was thinking whether to include the email address that I send to you or the blog that I have written. It keeps running through my mind and still haven decide whether or not. Doest it really matters? Cause eventually at the end of the day you will even cared about it. no matter how much effort I put in to salvage this relationship. One will get hurt and tired when he keeps knocking on the door but no one open it up for him. There is always expectation but normally it will leads to disappointment.

I have the thought of going back to school and study. I wanna to do Mass Comm but thinking is it better to do Diploma first or go directly to Degree. But even if so, I dun have the money to go for either one. I’m saving up hard for the course fees but how long will it take before I can save that money. Haiz, why everything has to be related to money. Going into event coordinating or Public Relations is also my another alternative in life. Though it will be very busy but time will be very fruitful cause I will learn a lot.

It doesn’t matter to me now, cause time can be better used in somewhere else then dating. Whether or not one can get married off this life time is also fated. I will leave it all to fate but sometimes, something I have to strike hard for. Just like my future and my career. Relationship is just secondary, but by then if really nobody wants me just married off to any guy that comes along my life. Worst come to worst, be left on the shelf and be expired goods.

My Bloated Stomach

2005-08-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

Since yesterday night, wasn’t feeling that right and stomach was aching but not that serious though. But this morning, the condition seems to worsen but I still manage to take the pain. While I was bathing, I realize that my stomach was very bloated. It cannot be possible that my tummy grow so big over night.

Throughout the whole morning, I keep letting gas out and have the urge to go toilet. I took poh chek yi to stop the diarrhea first. It work well at first but the medication wear off after few hours. I was really in pain and couldn’t concentrate during work, so I took half day off and went to see a doctor. I didn’t know what was exactly wrong with myself. Just told the doc that my stomach was very bloated. He did ask me a few questions to determine what is wrong with me. thereafter, ask me to lay down and pressed again my stomach and ask me do I feel any pain when he pressed on certain area.

After several press here and there, he say that I might have something dirty that causes diarrhea. And it cannot be gastric because the most upper part of my stomach dun feels the pain when he pressed on it. I was feeling so uncomfortable and really feel like taking medicine and have a good rest. After the treatment, I took medicine and fall to sleep like nobody business. The medicine didn’t cause drowsiness but I just feel very sleepy.

Alright, its time for me to go to bed already. Need more rest and its quite sad to see my stomach still feel so bloated. All 2 rounds of medications, my condition still dun seems to have any improvement. Have the nausea feeling but got nothing for me to vomit out, stood by the toilet bowl. Feel as though I have those hang over feel but this time round. It was worst then being drunk.

I need to have some rest now….

Expectation Leads To Disappointment

2005-08-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my, today is a very tired day for me. Slept late last night and have to wake up early to attend the funeral. I only have less then 4 hours of sleep, whereby people is enjoying their Sunday sleeping till sun shinning on their butts. Got changed and ready to go out of the house. Was very tired and slept on the way there while waiting for you SMS. I know you wun wake up so early, so give myself excuses that maybe later in the day you will reply me but I was wrong totally wrong.

Reached the place, they are all out to set of to the new Mandai Crematorium. It wasn’t a far journey as Toa Poyah is a very centralize location to go anywhere. It was a very nice and big, the environment seems to be very peaceful. A good place to clear thoughts but very scared till it can become very scary. Right before the coffin was pushed in to be cremate, there was a monk who did chant and preach a little. As he says, in life when there is meeting there will be parting. And I totally agreed with it. when there is a start of a life, there will definitely be an end to it. this is like a life cycle.

It was a very fast process and everything was done within half an hour. We headed on to the bus and brought us back. We had our lunch at the nearby hawker center. As it was my mother side and we had quite a number of us, we have problems on the sittings. So we split ourselves out and ordered food separately. As we are parting, my eldest cousin say to me dunno when it will be the next time we will meet again. I joke to him that maybe it might be my cousin who is getting married. And he say why not me? I told me how to get married without having a boyfriend right?

I think I’m really confused, on one hand I feel like getting married but on the other hand I feared of marriage. The reason of me fearing for it is that I might not be able to be a good wife and do what a wife should do and eventually lead the marriage to a failure and divorce is the ending for both parties. It was 3 plus in the afternoon, and still not reply from you I was right once again.

For once I thought that I’m able to forget about you. But I think I still not be able to do so. The moment I say your SMS, I’m so happy and feel like giving you a call but I didn’t cause I know you wun pick up my call. Maybe you right when you love someone you may not exactly be with that someone. Seeing he/she happy and you will be happy too. But you will never know how much I miss you.

A Sleepless Night

2005-08-13T04:22:00.000-07:00

It’s another Saturday and I’m home again. I have lost count on this is my how many Saturday staying at home the whole day apart from going to work. Feeling a bit the reluctant to go out also, cause when I’m out will tend to see couples and memories will start coming back. As I told myself will try not to think of it so much.

Mum called and asks us to go down to our grand uncle’s wake as today is the last night already. Didn’t wanna get my ass moving but no choice have to go down as the rest of my relative are there already. So got changed and headed down to Toa Payoh. When I’m there, I find that actually its not bad a location. Its very centralise and easy access to any part of Singapore. Maybe can have my future home situated at Toa Payoh. Furthermore, there are so many things in the central.

Took the feeder bus and reached the place, pay respect to him and when I take a look at him I found that he looked like my late grandmother. They got the same face structure and the features. After paying respect, sat at one concern and chat with my relative to do some catching up. Normally, we dun really have a chance to meet up without a year other then Chinese New Year. Then 2 other occasions will be either funeral or wedding. Wedding is very unlikely cause almost all are still single and available.

My handphone have been very quite and not so much of a message coming in since we broke up. Suddenly, I received a SMS I read the contend and was very surprised that it was you. And the contend of the SMS is as followed

“How have you been.?”

Sender:
Patrick Wong
+97979137

Sent:
21:53:22
13-08-2005

I was very surprised and happy that you did actually SMS me first. I hesitated and took awhile to think of what I wanna reply to you. I finally text and reply to your SMS and you never seems to reply me anymore. I thought it might be because you never received the SMS so I did sent twice. Another reason is that you reply but I never received. I will not know whats the reason for not having a reply. I did stay up the whole night just the wait for your reply.

But you eventually didn’t, I was thinking that you might have sent it to the wrong person. The intended recipient wasn’t me but someone else, who name is apparently before for after my name in your phonebook. i couldn’t get to sleep and toss and turn in the bed and was thinking that why didn’t you reply me?
Therefore, I sent you a SMS again around 4 plus and hoping to get an answer from you. But like I told myself, you will not reply me. You are just like that, you like it you will do it else you will give attitude and totally be ignorance about it. What to do, we are no longer together and you got better things to do. I finally got bed at around 5 plus and before I sleep this songs just come across my mind and it so much say about my feeling for some one is love.

When I Fall In Love

“Maybe I'm old fashioned feeling as I do
Maybe I'm just living in the past

But when I meet the right one, I know I'll be true

My first love will be my last

When I fall in love, it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is

Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give me heart, it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can fell that you fell that way too
Is when I fall in love with you"

The Moral of Tea Bag

2005-08-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

Finally its Friday and a week down, and amazingly how times flies another 4 months is going to be X’mas and thereafter marks the end of 2005 and a start of a new year again. Oh my, I’m getting old each day and still have not make things big for myself yet. Not to worry, I strongly believe that 2006 will be a better year for me to fulfill my dreams. As SIA going to launch their very first A380 and I’m definitely going to start flying with SIA when they launch that aircraft.

During work, it was so boring cause the calls was so little. I suggested to my colleague that we work on Plan A to take half day MC and go and watch movies. But when we flap the papers the movies we wanted to watch is not yet. So Plan A was aborted and the other Plan B was take half day and go home and sleep. But it was aborted also cause the both of us cant disappear at the same time. But one of my colleague actually did that he is really “gan” man.

Never mind, neither A or B works but the luck thing is that I stay and hold on till 7 plus. Before I end work, I started talking nonsense to my colleague. As I was drinking tea to ease my indigestion from the hokkien mee I had for lunch. I feel like puking and makes me feel so uncomfortable right after lunch. So I make tea for myself to feel better, finished my tea and left with the tea bag. I have a bad habit of sucking the tea bag after I finished the drinks.

When I saw the tea bag, suddenly something strives me and I told my colleagues who are still in the office about how tea bag resembles like man’s balls. As the balls is very sensitive just like the tea bag, so when sucking it you can exert too much force. Cause the guy will feel the pain and the tea bag will actually burst when you suck too hard. Therefore, must master the skills of sucking it just right to make the guy feels good and sucking the rest of the tea out from the bag with having it burst. The is then we consider a good sucker. They all burst into laugher when I finished telling them.

We stay back for awhile to gossip and talk cock, we hardly will have the chance to sit down and talk because we all are on different shift each week. So the only time will be after work or on Saturday. We me around, there will definitely be gossip around. I make them stay and accompany me, therefore I must say something to entertain them. Being too close with them make it harder for me to leave the company. Moreover, it’s the feeling and the bond that we had created and build along the way. But have to think it on the other hand that people move one for the better and there will be better and greener grasses out there for me to explore.

Some times I wonder, why humans must have feelings and emotions. Why cant they live without it and especially love. Love is a big word that makes people love it and hate it at the same time. It doesn’t matter anymore cause no once can actually give me the definition of happiness. So I guess there is really no happiness in this world. One thing being that no one will be contented with what they presently have. Always seeking and wanting for MORE and MORE.

A New Day For ME

2005-08-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

Another day to weekend and its no longer special or important to me anymore. I forget the feeling of going dating and I should start to forget about you too. And I’m trying hard and very sure that I’m able to do it soon. Thinking of you will just bring me more pain cause you simply dun care and why must I care so much.

Was having lunch with my colleagues who are all uncles which is older in age. One of them suggested that I should leave the current company because I’m still young and better prospect out there. I wanted to but not at the time being, meantime will still look out for jobs opportunities around. Suddenly, one of them suggested that he can actually introduce job for me if I want. Why not right, I told them I dun mind going into event coordinating or related field. As they say it will be a very busy job, I mean I’m not dating and no commitment. Nothing for me to worry about, I can go for the job moreover I can learn a lot from there to. It will be a good learning experience better then what I’m doing now.

Hopefully those old man dun give me empty promises cause I really hate that. but well, in this world seems like almost everyone is doing that. Getting used to it and must live with it. While heading home my foot step was heavy, I dunno why also. I wasn’t thinking of anything for the first time. The feeling is so bad that its beyond description. Never mind, thinking that I will be spending moon cake festival in China makes me a little excited. First time spending it overseas, guess it will be a pretty fun experience because China will have the mood and atmosphere there. Looking forward to my trip in mid September and must save hard my expenses there.

My Final Blessing For You

2005-08-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Went online and saw your nick there but knowing for sure that you will not pop me a message even though I were to keep my comp on for the whole day. You just treat me like as though I am transparent. If that is really the case, I hope that you chose to forget me completely and just treat it that you never know me in this life time. And I will do the same thing back to you.

Perhaps time will really change one person, I should slowly delete off all the sms that you sent me. It is no longer significant to me any more. The more I look at it the more it will bring tears to me. So why should I put myself in such misery when you dun even care at all. I was thinking to myself that I’m really very foolish to cry so much for this relationship. Maybe you are right, you cant provide me a future and will not stop me for looking for my own happiness.

Have a thought over it already, and I guess that it have been quite sometimes since the cool down period. I decided not to hang on to it already and I want to walk out of this once and for all. Though it will hurt but I rather it be a short term pain them to lead to a great pain next time. I will not tell you face to face about this because it has been rather obvious that you chose to give it up first. Dun worry, I’ll not sms you anymore and eventually will forget your presence in my life. If we happen to bum into each other one day, just treat it as though I’m a stranger to you. Dun acknowledge me cause I wun acknowledge you as well. I dun want both parties to feel embarrassed.

I once thought that when couple breaks up they can always be friend. And I strongly believe in that, but my point of view changed with time. I would rather lose a friend and not wanting to meet him again this life time cause I dun wanna to be hurt once again. Will feel weird when get to see him once again, just treat it as though I have lost one friend in this world. Sometimes you have to loss some and gain some in life. There will not be a balance up in life. Just treat it that this will be my final blessing for you and you just take care of yourself. Will not think of you anymore and forget as much things as possible. Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow my memories will just delete off parts that contains you. Isn’t this better for both parties? Take care and bye for now…..

Nation Birthday

2005-08-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

9 August 2005, Tuesday – Sunny

Happy Birthday Singapore, it’s a public holiday for the nation. and every one will be on holiday mood, some might have gone for a long weekend to HKG, BKK for nearby countries for a short trip. Whereas for me, I’ll we working and actually dun mind working on PH cause the calls volume is not that high. Thinking about a long weekend, and you promised to bring me to KL but guess it will never happen. I shall go there myself or with my colleagues one of this day. Promises are always meant to be broken.

During work, it was quite fun though was boring. I was doing my own things so time dun seems to past slowly. My male colleagues were bored until they read female magazines and we were like mocking at them. Towards the end of the day almost 8 pm, we started gossiping about others and she is well known for her fakeness and apple polishing. No one can stand her, the best thing was I’m just seated beside her. So need to be highly on guard of her else will die. Throughout the day, I kept looking at my hp hoping that there will be SMS coming in but expectation normally will lead to disappointment. Like I say you will never SMS me anymore unless Singapore stated snowing.

Saw a little of the fireworks, casue the extended the celebration to the neighbourhood area. Looking at the fireworks like me think of last year moon cake festival. When we were in the cab, we happened to see the firework over at boat quay. It was a very nice scene and its so romatic. Just as though it will only appear in drama or movies but it indeed happen in real life for us. But good things dun least and I really believe this one. Well, what to do this is part and parcel of life to go through all this.

Was heading home, see the flux of people moving towards the interchange and it was so crowed. They were either with the family or the other half, and I’m all alone here waiting for my that somebody to come. Guess it will never happen again. My missing for you is so bad, I really wished that I could tell you all this. But thinking that, so what if I’m going to tell you all this? You will still do nothing about it cause the feeling you had for me is not there anymore. And I dun wanna be a burden to you anymore. So I kept this all to myself…..

2005 Is A Bad Year For ME

2005-08-08T02:59:00.000-07:00

Having to cry before I slept again, and my eyes were really tired. I woke up feeling very tired and nearly didn’t wanted to go to work. But I still drag myself to work cause when I’m work I wun think so much as I really need to concentrate fully else will make mistake that can be prevented. I can feel myself feeling tired, the moment I reached my work place my colleague say what happen to me. Why my eyes looked so puffy I went out to play izzit. The fact was I didn’t have a good night and cant feel to sleep too. You ignore my sms as I expected and my family problems and a lot more things running endless up on my mind. Through out the day, I have been waiting for you sms but it never came it. Guess, waiting for you to send me a sms will be like expecting Singapore to snow.

After work, meet my sister for dinner as my mom is not cooking. As we were walking around
Tampines Mall, happen to bump into my aunt and had dinner with them together. We talked about life and marriage. They were asking, when are we getting married and do we have a specified age of getting marry. I actually have the thoughts of getting married off by the age of 25 or 26 but looking at my parents and the couples out there and my own relationships really makes me have second thoughts of settling down. Because settling down is not only 2 peoples affair but it involves a lot more people to get things work out.

While they were talking, I started to think of you. And the things we had done together in Tampines Mall and the last time we went there for dinner at Phines Steak. Doubt we will have the chance to go back there again. Or even will be able to meet up once again, not to worry I will eventually return you your ring by not mailing it back to you. Instead I will take the extra effort to go all the way and put it inside your mail box. You will not appreciate whatever I do for you anymore.

After a long talk, we finally parted and our way home I keep very quiet cause I feel very tired. As we came out from the lift and walked down the stairs my foot steps seems to be so much heavier. I suddenly have the feeling of not going home, cause I dunno how to face mom and break the news to her. I just feared and she might not be able to take it, and I try not to have any conversation with her. The feeling is just very weird, I feel bad for both parties but there is no way that we can help. Eventually, this is the problem between the both of them.

I thought I can forget about you easily but seems that I’m wrong. I cant be that “xiao xa” in life and will normally be hold back by memories. Oh my god, I’m really feeling very very tired and really hope that I can go on a long long break. But thinking of my financially burden I have to hold back and think twice and continue slogging for the sake of my living. Sometimes, I ask myself why my life is in such a misery. Isn’t there a better way for me?

As a whole, I find that year 2005 is not a good year to start up with and I dunno how will it end. Guess 2005 x’mas and new year I will be spending it alone again and my next year resolution for 2006 is to be able to be a cabin crew and make more money and money. Relationship is no longer important to me cause I have a bad sared and phobia of getting married.

Sad Sad Sad

2005-08-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

2005 is really a bad year for me, I have been crying a lot due to a lot of problems. For work, relationship and my family. Oh my, I’m really very tired and I really wanna a break away from here and go to somewhere that I can really relax myself and live a worried free life for the rest of my life.

I cry once badly today again, due to the fact that my father is breaking the new that he wanna divorce my mother. Perhaps, this is a better way for the both of them I guess. Some times I really feel very tired to be sandwiched between both of my parents. Each have their side of story to say and I really dunno who to side. Having a simple request of a happy family what my father wanted cause he didn’t have one since young. Just like a I do, I hope that I can have a happy family next time. But looking at things going this way, I really did stay single and be alone for the rest of my life. What is happiness to me? I really dunno and dunno how to definite the word

Cause I have not enconunter it before, heaven always been so cruel to me. never like me get the things I wanna. Or should I say, things always dun go the way I wan even though I fought hard for it. Sometimes people will say just submit to fate but I will never give up in trying or obtaining the things I want. Unless there is really no other way out but guess really have to give in to fate at times.

My father has a talk with us, bring about the past and future. Suddenly make me think, how foolish and navie I was back then. To do all kind of stupid things that can’t be prevented but I think people just learn from mistake and be a better person. Have to bump around and realize who are the baddy and who the good ones are. Like I say, having to be street smart it will have a price to pay.Well, will have to carry the burden of looking after the family needs. Including giving mother allowance, paying all the bills and all other stuff. It give me the thinking that having a family is really not easy.

I blame it on heaven once again, why some people can just take the money they earn to do whatever they like and go traveling as and when they like? Unlike me, every month go to contribute and make sure that my salary is sufficient to keep me going. I wanna go and find a part-time and earn extra cash for the time being until I fulfill my dreams of flying. After today, I really swear and will work hard that I’m going to wear that SIA cabin crew uniform one day.

After some thoughts, my heart was actually very dishearten wanna not to pursue any further in the relationship. because I totally have no faith in love any more, getting myself hurt time after time and see people around parted. It really sadden me a lot and looking at the cross stitch that I’m going to sew and give it to you. I actually thought of not continuing it and just leave it aside. As I make a lot of mistake when counting the exactly number of colour code.

I have attempted to give it out because once I make a mistake I have to unstitch the whole lot portion and stitch again. Once again this is very time consuming and a lot of my effort is placed in it. I was thinking, will you know how to appreciate it or what will you be feeling when you receive it. Maybe, after you look at it you will just leave it at one side and let my work befriend the dirt and dust of your room.

At least, through this period I have learned that in life you will encounter a lot of failure. And once you have met failure, are you willing to give in the time and effort once again to try again and get it done, completed or fulfilled. There is always one word to descript that is no pain no gain. Normally people will have to go through some suffering before they have the tasted of what sweetness is. I never chose to give up but continue fighting to the last minute before I get the thing completed and finally have it delivered to you door step or mail box.

I MISS YOU BADLY

2005-08-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

Its another day off on Saturday but it come with a price, nothing in the world is free. For the price of having a Saturday off is to swap shift with my colleague to 11 – 8. I dun mind working this shift but the thing is that I’ll reached home quite late and hardly got thing to do my own things. On the other hand, I hate working on Saturday because not many people will be back to work and it can really be boring at times. Well well well, what do I really want? The best it to get 9 – 6 always and a Saturday, then I shall not complaint that much.

Today is a weekend, most of the people will be flocking to town to shop, watch movies, catch up with friends or clubbing. But the poor me nowhere to go and dun wished to go anywhere so stayed home the whole day. I dun find it boring because I got my things to do and time seems to past so fast without me realizing it. Sometimes, how I wished I dun have to sleep so I can used the time to do something else. Having a sleepless night, I started to do the things I like most which is thinking.

I think about a lot of things, my life and my future, my relationship, my family. Realizing it is all blank and I dunno where to start and proceed from there. As I think through the night, I have the sudden urge to text you and ask you how you have been. And the time is 3.30 am. If I really SMS you at that time you might think that I’m mad. So I hold back and lay on my bed holding my hp with all then text ready and my finger to key in your number but eventually I cleared them off and fallen asleep.

I dun wanna to disturb you at weird hours as you might have been things to do. But all I wanna say is that I really miss you a lot and really hope you can hear it. I guess there is no way that you will be able to see all this and hear me.

When i think of you, this song keep running through my mind and really wished to dedicate this song to you and let you know how i feel.

你怎么舍得我难过

对你的思念是一天又一天

孤单的我还是没有改变

美丽的梦何时才能出现

亲爱的你好想再见你一面

秋天的风一阵阵的吹过

想起了去年的这个时候

你的心到底在想些什么

为什么留下这个结局让我承受

最爱你的人是我

你怎么舍得我难过

在我最需要你的时候没有说一句话就走

最爱你的人是

你怎么舍得我难过对你付出了这么多

你却没有感动过

I MISS YOU BADLY DARLING

I STILL LOVE YOU A LOT ALOT!!!

Days Without You

2005-08-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

Without realising today is actually month after you have initiate a cool down period but you still dun seems to be doing anything neither do i. guess we are the same type of people, will not automatically taken our phone and ask someone out unless need a farvour from them. To me I’ll not even ask a farvour from people unless I really have not way to solved to problem. Cause I’m not those type of people who will actually lower myself to beg people just to do something for me. Even worst, still have to see their face just to get things done.

Maybe due to my up bring, that leads me to what I am now. Should I be grateful to my parents or hate them to make me behaviour this way? since young have seen how my parents due to poor communications quarrel with each other and eventually lead to a one party walking out of the family. So it leads me to keep everything to myself and make my own decision in what I’m doing. Somehow it leads me to become very independent, some times when I feel lost in my future I dunno who to turn to or tell me problems to. Will keep everything to myself until I have an answer to it and then I’ll feel better.

I might seems to be very out spoken and bubbly when I’m with friends but when I’m at home, I rather chose to be quiet and do my own things. And I prefer to be alone most of the times also. When I’m alone, I will think a lot regardless the good thing or the bad things I will have them all link together. Sometimes, when I think it will actually help me to solve a lot things and have solutions to problem that I’m facing. At times, it will let me think of negative stuff and become very sad after that.

Waiting For 30 Aug 2005

2005-08-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

Finally able to leave the office before the sun set and able to reach home before 7 pm. Little did I realise that I for the past 3 weeks I have been working late and go home late. By time I reached home I’m so tired already and totally have no energy to go anything else. All I want is to sleep and have enough rest. But thinking of that, I cant as I still got a lot of things to do and need to complete it before the month end. Time is really run short and passes fast.

Soon enough the first week of August is coming to an end soon and another 3 weeks will be 30 August when we first being together. Well, we are not be able to cross the 1 year mark and celebrate this special day. Nevertheless, I have something for you and still thinking whether to give the thing to you or not. Even if so, what would you feel and I really scared of rejection. Maybe once again, I will not have any reply from you. This is all the thing that keep hinder my mind. And lastly, before 30 Aug come will there be any miracle that is going to happen?

Will you call me, sms me, msn and chat with me or leave a message over friendster? Or will you even really this day. Perhaps you might have forgotten all this and will not even care or bothered about it. Because its not longer important to you already. All your mind now is work work work. As I was right, you will not want to reconcile any more as you dun see there is a point to. Its ok with me, as this is not my first time being hurt and but its my first time being very deeply hurt. I have think over it and come to my sense, what will be your it will be. No point forcing anything cause it wun bring happiness. Maybe you are right love someone might not need to be with that someone.

Moody Day

2005-08-03T03:46:00.000-07:00

Work getting busier and busier and during work I hardly had anything time to go toilet or do anything personal. Not saying surfing net because of fraud cases the company had banned a lot of websites. The only site that keeps me entertain all day will be www.singaporeair.com I pratically read almost everything and explore the site.

Calls after calls and it really makes me very tired after work. The moment I reached home, dun have the energy to do anything else. But I have a bet to go on, but times seem to be running out. And I’m not too sure whether can I win the bet or not. I really wished I could stay up all night just to finish my things. But I’m just so tired after work and dun have the extra energy to do anything. Looking at my own progress makes me a little disappointed. But I’m definitely going to make it before the month end.

One of my TL sms me and ask me whether am I working hard on that thing. And I say yes, and he asked did u miss you and my answer definitely is a yes. I wanted so much to tell you that I miss you face to face but I dun have the chance. My TL ask me not too think so much, just treat it as part and parcel of life that everyone has to go through. He was concern about me ask I kept making mistake during work. And ask me whats the reason behind it.

I told him frankly that I was actually very distracted during work. I simply cant concentrate during work and I will keep thinking about things. And it makes my heat and mind wander and cannot give me 100% during work. I’m very tired of all this and I dunno when can I bring all this to a stop? Sometimes, I think that I’m very foolish to have spent so much time and effort on the cross stitch. I was thinking, will you be touched by it or you will not feel anything? I dunno, I have complete almost 50% of it and no matter what I will complete it and decide at the end of the day whether to give it to you or not. One of my colleague comment that “my bf” is so lucky. But I was thinking, you will not appreciate it just like her husband. Whether you like it or not, just treat it as a memories for myself them.

As I expected, I replied to your message in friendster I dun expect any reply from you. My feeling was right, guess we really become complete stranger to each other. If you really wanna end this relationship, I got nothing to say. I’ll move on with life and like many people say LOVE isn’t everything. And there are better guys out there. I dun understand why people will keep saying that I got a lot of suitors, but in fact I really wanna tell them I dun have and no guys is after me. if I tell them, they will not believe also.

I find the following text very meaningful:

如果爱上你是一种错

我深信这是我一生中最美的错

我宁愿这样错一辈子

你看得见我打在屏母上的字

却看不见我掉在键盘上的泪

或是爱情不一定完美

我宁愿选这无悔

不管未来多么美好

我无法我忘记今生对你的回忆

希望我在死后能做一个天使

永远守护着你

Thinking of You Badly

2005-08-02T01:16:00.000-07:00

2 August 2005, Tuesday – Cloudy

It was a Monday morning, and I started work at 0830 hrs. Monday blues and early in the morning kanna scolded by Salbiah, so my mood wasn’t that right. Kanna scolded in the morning in not a very good thing. I walked into the office, to take some stationeries and you were there to greet me “Good Morning” with a smile. Though I was grumpy but still greeted you back. This is how you started your first conversation with me. Exactly one year ago you started work at Comat. This is when heaven brought us together and gave me a wonderful time when I with you but eventually part us. Heaven really know how to fool people.

I went into friendster and look around, and I see Cindy’s profile and she is indeed a compulsive traveler. Every envy her as she travel a lot and see a lot too. I really swear that I’m going to be a Cabin Crew one day and travel round the global. And happen to see her ROM photos with you inside, when I saw that pictures. I suddenly misses you a lot a lot and started to think of you since then. When I saw that pictures, I recalled that I was nearly 3 months that we have last seen each other already. You choose not to meet me and ignore me, what can I do. Perhaps this is the best way out for the both of you.

You say that we need sometimes to really think over what we wanna right? But I think, ultimately you still will not have an answer to it. You are confused about whether you want to continue this relationship or not. so what we both are given time to think over what we wanna, given 1 month, 6 months or even 1 year you still wun have any answer. And I know right from the start if I stop this relationship we will not be able to be together again. I wun blame you cause you are a married man and furthermore your status is not cleared yet. Maybe you will reconcile with Karen and decided not to divorce her. Or you have found someone even better and clear your status once and for all to marry her. I really dunno about it and are so clueless about it, just blame myself for being a fool to have fallen so deeply for you and eventually being hurt by you.

Well, what are meant to be it will be? They say you have to fight for your own happiness, but I fought for it once but eventually lose it. Maybe I dunno how to treasure you and make known to you how much I love you. As you know, maybe you wun that I’m not a person who will express my feeling for someone. And will not initiate to do something as I’m more passive then active.

Flooded By Calls

2005-08-01T02:30:00.000-07:00

Every working adults hate Monday to come cause they need to work, there are exceptional who simply love they job so much and cant wait for Monday to arrive and go to work. Everything when smoothly, perhaps today is Monday and long weekends is coming. There are flux of calls coming in like nobody business. Keep answering calls non stop and feel so tired and I hardly have the chance to walk around and ask then for help if I need. We are like so engaged in doing our own things and busy answering calls.

The only time I can really take a break is during my pathertic 45 mins. So having such a long day at work and talk so much, sometimes after work I really wun talk much. I can only used words to express myself and how am I feeling at the moment. Cause words would hurt me and will not talk about to me. only will listen to me quietly and let me bang my anger on.

Got a call from joan and she did talk about her business “insurance” and later we change to other topic. We talk about relationship. how the butch compliment me by saying me cute and slowly talk about her and mary. And she arrow the thing back to me, asking me how am I getting along. I say I still need time to overcome this and need time to heal. She told me something that really makes me wonder and started thinking about. You may be very good to me at first but eventually you are just toying with my feelings. Whether this statement she say is true or not, I really dunno cause only you yourself know it best.

Other then that, she might be right this is not the first time you are having affairs also. So what’s new with that right? Perhaps you may be dating other woman right now, and just that I dunno about it. And uses work as an excuse to cover everything. Sometimes, I might be thinking too much and there are like to much coincidence that I told myself this cannot be the case and I have think too much. Whatever it is, I think woman in this life time are meant to be used by guys and being toyed around with their feelings.

What Joan comments also right, she say that all guys in this world are selfish. They only think for themselves and never spare a thought for the gals. Joan’s friend told her that pretty and sexy gals are meant to be keep as lover and flirt around only. Whereas, if you are looking for wife its better to look for a plain Jane. The rational behind this is because other guy will not hitch onto their wife. What a jerk Joan’s friend can be but whether we like it or not this is the mentality of a guy.

Her words have great impact on me and makes me think. But eventually I still have the trust you in that you wun do such things. But nothing can be guaranteed in life and you are such a sweet talker, and you will not lack of gals surrounding you. This is another thing will be keep as a misery forever. Looking at life, I really lost faith in MAN and dun think will wanna get married this life time. Cause the man i meet are the same, none of which are serious about me perhaps this is karma and I’m getting all this on behalf of my parents. Why I must undergo all this. Is it really that hard to be able to find someone who really love me and shower his love and concern for me? I doubt I will be able to get it this life time.

Nothing great about marriage or whatsoever, being alone is also a very wonderful things. Dun have to worry so much for this and that. And commitment wise and responsibilities is not that heavy as well. Right, I should stay single and best go look for a gal to love me and turn myself into lesbian. Well, why no guys turn into gays because they are hurt by gals and via versa.

Thinking of You

2005-07-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

It’s another week and marking the start of August tomorrow long. Thinking back that I have forgotten how long we didn’t see each other, chat on the phone, sms each other and MSN chat. Guess all this have happen too long ago till I lost track of where I’m at already and slowly I will start not to keep track and totally forget about your existence in this world. How I wished I could just vanish into the thin air all of a sudden. And bring me to somewhere that I belong and I can find and know what the meaning of happiness.

At one point of time I though I have found happiness but like I always say, things that come fast will go fast too. Nothing last forever and will never find anything that wun come to an end in this world. Even the world will come to end an end one day just a matter of time. Being home the whole day and dunno what went wrong into me, I kept thinking of you. I told myself not to think of you cause it will hurt me more. But I just cant help it, images of you and the things we done keep flashing across my mind the whole day. You will never know my missing for you. I really miss you a lot and at times I have the urge to call you and listen to your voice but I didn’t. I just hold back and treat it as nothing has happen cause I know you will not entertain to my call and we dun have much to talk about too. we have become stranger to me all of a sudden. I dunno who you are and what you are thinking anymore.

You wun be as hurt as I do cause you are the one who initiate the breakup, I seriously dunno what went wrong. You are being hurt once so badly by Jocelyn, so this is nothing as compared to the breakup back then. And you say that after that incident, you will cry or feel sad when the relationship dun work up in the end. I can understand how you feel. I once told myself that too but in the end I’m so badly hurt. Even since that day, I became very quiet at home. And didn’t wanna go out and keep everything to myself.

My sister attempted to ask me what’s wrong with me why a sudden change in me? I say nothing and ask her not to ask so much, because she can’t do anything about it too. Soon she found out that we are no longer together. She asked me why I can treat it like nothing has happen. I so much wanted to tell her that actually I felt very sad and had cried many a times silently but no one knows about it. I grief over the breakup and tears just roll down my cheek when I go to bed every night. But things started to get better as days go by, they are right time is really the best medicine to heal everything.

I started to talk and job more often cause I wanna put on the strong front in me and let people know that I’m alright. But in fact deep down in me still leave a very deep sacred that is in the process of recovering.

Battery Recharged

2005-07-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

My stupid colleague Jean SMS me early in the morning tell me that she is going back for OT, where I’m still sleeping so soundly. Got woken up by her SMS and decided whether to go back for OT or not. Told her that I’ll be in the office at 11, so will keep her company till 8 pm but the moment I wanted to go and bath it started to pour. Wanted to wait for the rain to subside but it went heavier and heavier. So decided to stay home and rest to recharge my batt.

Was SMS Jean throughout the day as she complaint to me about her unhappiness and blah blah. Me was oh ok, listening to her and do my own things at the same time. Today was the walk in interview for Cabin Crew for Emirates. Well, I very much wanted to go but something is holding me back and I know for sure I will get rejected. So in the end I didn’t go also. I wun go for a battle if I dun have confident in winning. If I’m selected, I’ll have to base in Dubai. I like the idea but gotta station there for 3 years and a lot of things I gotta think about also. In another word, I can’t bare to leave but then it will be a very good learning experience. And thinking wise will be broaden and will see and learn a lot more things. Given a chance, I really wanna go overseas to work or study.

It’s a lazy Saturday for me, and weather is so good so spend my time sleeping and sleeping. While poor Jean is still in office working in half asleep mode. She still gotta tahan to 8 pm before she can go home and rest. Finally, the OT its over and dun have anymore OT coming up already. Life gotten back to normal and working hours have to resume back to normal 8.25 hours instead of 12 hours.

Times flies and its coming to the end of July and few months down the road its going be X’mas and it will be the end of 2005 and have to welcome 2006 already. And I’m a year older yet I have not achieved something great in life yet. I’m not that young any more, must do something great this life time else will live with regrets.

But well, heaven also so unfair to me. I dun see my potential in any areas but have a lot of shortcoming and so not prefect as compared to the rest even though no one is prefect. Everything just goes so smoothly for some people and they dun have to worry for life. Things just get so well path for them, some times I do blame my parents for not planning my future for me or even do some saving for me when I’m young. Therefore, I found saving very important in my growing up years and see the important to save. Cause you never know what will happen tomorrow and when you are in need of hard cash. But then once again, money isn’t everything.

My Charm Is Un-Blockable

2005-07-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

Finally it’s Friday, and weekend is just near the corner so I can use this time to catch up with more sleep and sleep. Its doest matter to me any more cause I’m not dating and dun wanna go out of the home. My life has pretty much return to what I’m back in Comat. Go to work in the morning, after work goes home and weekends stay at home. Will go out only applicable or have an appointment. Other then that, my time is spent at home, what a boring life I have.

Anyway, I’m used to it already cause I’m a lone ranger and friends doesn’t matter much to me also. I’m rather weird too, I dunno what my real personality is and why am I behaving this way. Today while having lunch with my colleague, saw another 2 newly joined colleague dunno them well, but offer them to be seated beside us. The funny thing is that they are lesbian. They are having some tiff and the butch is trying her best to hoax her gal but she is simply giving attitude. Oh my, some times is really not easy being a guy. Throughout the whole eating session is very tense up. But the butch keeps looking at me and smile.

As usual, stay back to do OT and when I went to submit my OT form my colleague say got something to tell me and ask me to be more careful. I thought what happen and did something wrong again. But to my relief she wanted to tell me that the butch keep asking her what is my name. cause she find me very cute, when she commented that I’m very cute looking her gal turn back on her. Dun wanna talk to her and throw temper again. I was laughing and say to her that this is so far.

My colleague say ask me not to any how 电 people. I replied to her that I can’t help it when I’m so charming and got the charisma to charm one after another regardless it is guy or gal. She nearly fainted and say I very thick skinned, she knows that I’m joking. The moment she told me that the butch say that I’m cute, I so much wanted to SMS you and tell you that but thinking about it, it’s none of your business so why must I tell you something that is not even significant in your life right? You will only waste money SMSes me, or even best dun even wanna reply my SMS at all. It’s ok, cause I no longer have that special place in your heart anymore. Perhaps, someone has taken over your heart and replace me long ago to be that someone special.

Anyway, still have to think on the bright side cause there are always better guys out there. But then once again, so what if there is better guy and 2 people just dun click with each other also no use. Forcing oneself into a relationship wun bring happiness, let alone forcing oneself to stay in a relationship when you no longer love that person. Love is so crappy and I will never understand it.

Today is Friday, guess you must be enjoying yourself and having a good time. As long as you are happy, I’m happy for your too.

~~~只要你过得比我辛福 ~~~

Life Is So Tired

2005-07-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

Oh today is the 4th day of the week that I have been working OT but I dun feel tired at all. Cause all I wanna do is to bury myself with work, therefore I wun have the extra time to think of anything else. Cause when I’m tired and the moment I reached home all I wanna do is to sleep and sleep.

Nothing much happen today, but just release that its better not to have too much friend working as Financial Adviser. Cause they will bark you to buy policies from them time after time. Though I need it’s a need to have it but when one dun have the financial budget its also hard to maintain it. Oh well, its hard to push one then after that come by another one and the thing they say its all the same till I can recite everything to them.

Yesterday my colleague was talking about 4D opening and I didn’t have to time to go online and check out what words. Well, though I dun by 4D but I have the habit of looking at the number. Then when I check it out I realize that our number comes out again but the last 2 digit was being jumble up. This is so strange, when we are together the number did not come but the moment we parted it appears. Heaven really like to play a fool on people huh. Well, what to do we do not have access to our future.

4D Opening 28 Jul 2005

Wanted to thinking of a lot of stuff before I sleep but the moment I wanna think I started to fall asleep. Dun really have the energy to think of you that much cause all my attention are given to my work. I do feel the stress level there ever since I encounter minor incident at work. Guess, I really need to be very cautions in doing everything. Specially when looking for husband. Must really open my eyes wide open else the ending of the story will be divorce.

Sometimes, I wonder am I a good girlfriend and will I be a good wife and a mother the next time. But then sometimes, there are so many questions there is no answer to. I find it very contradicting, I’m longing for someone to love me but then I dun dare to love anymore. I hate to be hurt others. Why is it my love life is always that bad???

Work Work Work

2005-07-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

27 July 2005, Wednesday – Cloudy

Couldn’t wake up in the morning and wanted to just take MC and stay at home to have a very good rest. But didn’t, so went to walk but was late for work again. While I was at work, I just couldn’t concentrated and keep yawning non stop. Think I’m really weak at taking late nights and lacking sleep. I told my colleague that my eye bags are getting more and more obvious and not pretty any more.

As my body still able to take it, my colleague was asking whether I wanna to do OT today. Since I got nothing to do, so I stay back do my work and talk cock with my grossing khaki. We are just seated right in front of each other but with partition, and the funny thing is we are communicating through emails. And at times, where my reply is very funny I will stand up and ask her to check out her email and we laugh together.

Work as per normal and 12 hrs straight for me again, wondering how long I can take it. Sooner or later I will break down and collapse. But guess the OT will be coming to an end soon as they have cleared a lot of emails. So will not need people to do the job any more. While I was on my way home, I started to think. When you are really busy and engaged at work, you simply got no other time to do anything. All you wanna do is to have more time to sleep. I can understand how you feel and eventually bring everything to a stop.

But I believe no matter how busy or tired one person is, he/she will definitely make time for the one they love. I guess this is not the true fact. Cause I know that no matter how tired I am for the day, I will still makethe effort to write what happen to me. I didn’t blame you in fact I hated you for doing this to me. At first, I thought you are not like those normal guys by giving excuses and saying that you are busy and then bring the relationship to an end. I was wrong, very wrong. You started not talking to me and communication totally stop. I was very disappointed and no words can be used to expression my feeling. I really wanna know what you wanna but I cant guess cause I dun have telepaty.

Who knows you might be having another gal and she found out that she is better. I dun blame you for that cause I’m not prefect and I have my flaws and weaknesses. People is always going for the better stuff when they know they having something good. We human will just not feel contented in life.

Guess its time for me to go to my wonderland now, sleep to me its so important. Its gonna be another 12 hours at work. Work can now temporary let me forget everything.

LIFE=WORK=MONEY=TIME=MONEY

12 Hours Marathon At Work

2005-07-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

After 12 long hours at work, finally its time to log off and go home. I’m so damn tired, never have I worked for so long in my life before. Though my job scope is very simple but I’ll just feel very tired mentally and physically feel very drain and no more energy to do anything. The moment I reached home, I bath and have dinner.

The next moment I realise I have fallen deep a sleep and actually wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to do something, but I just dun have the energy to do it. And fall back to sleep till morning. Tomorrow will be another day of OT OT OT, more OT means more money and I need money more than anything else. I dun need love any more cause they can bring me happiness but eventually will still hurt me at the end of the day.

This will be a very short one cause i really dun have the energy to do anything else cause i left with only 1% of the energy to switch off the comp and walk to my bed and close my eyes. just nice, my body batt is flat and its time to charged....

Bad Monday

2005-07-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Monday blue and my mood are blue too. Was consider very late for work (7 mins late) though its only 7 mins but its consider late cause our allowance of lateness is only 5 mins a month. What to do we are in a call center environment so log in and log out timing is all monitor and what we do is also. Really no freedom at all, think will have to leave after my holiday cause I’m not those really can stand being bonded by so much restriction.

Well, thought today things will go smoothly for me but bad things just came one after another. Oh my, I dunno what went wrong into my luck. So many unlucky things happened to me at one goal. Probably I dun have the heart to work cause I’m thinking of too much thing and you are one of the major factor. Guess I’m going to be dead this time round, because I never issued a ticket for a member and the seats on the flight is very packed and the controller are unable to assist on releasing the seats.

My senior also panic for me, what should I know. If he dun get the seat he will sure complaint and I wanted to provide alternative but he refuse to accept and die die also wanna go on that flight. It’s my fault but I really dunno what to do at that point of time. There are like so many bad things happen to me. At that point of time I really wanted to break down but I hang on to it. And my first instinct was to text you and pours everything to you, I need a listening ear and someone to lean on. But I hold back cause you are no longer that some special to me and I dun wanna disturb you. You never know how much I wanted to tell how I feel and miss those times when you console me when I was down. You will not be there anymore for me when I needed you to be. So I hold back and I really feel very bad but I can’t do anything about it.

After work, accompany my colleague to buy something. I was like so moody and when she talks to me I wasn’t paying attention to her at all. So gotta repeat herself a few times before I reply to her. Went straight home after work as I’m very tired physically and mentally. I just need to rest and really rest. After reaching home, I went online and check email and send that you send me a message through friendster. I check it out and dunno what to reply to you, so I decided not to reply anything to you. Suppose this is the best way but human are like so contradicting. I also dunno what to say, all I know is that I have a bad bad bad bad day. What a day to start a week, and still have 6 more days to go……

!!!!!!!BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!!!!!!

Tired Tired Tired

2005-07-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Slept very later yesterday and have been working 6 days non stop, I am feeling damn exhausted. My eyes couldn’t open when I woke up in the morning, and my whole body was so soft. Soon after, I fall back to sleep again and wake up in the late after. While I was doing my things, my sister mentions something and I strike my mind and say why didn’t I think of it.

You perhaps have been outstation for this period of time, and your nick has been parked in MSN for so long. Wonder what you are doing at the other end of the world. I seriously really wanted to know what you are doing but once again I have no rights to control and know what you are doing. I’m nobody to you right. I really miss you a lot and you will know my missing for you anymore.

Well oh well, time will heal anything and eventually forget everything slow. Like they say feeling will fade over a period of time and I dunno how true this is going to be. Just like the song “whatever will be will be, the future is not our to see” this is so true. Okie, this is my precious resting time once again.

Wondering how much you miss me on the other end or you never miss me at all???

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not!

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not!

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

I REALLY WANNA KNOW

Freezing in Office

2005-07-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

Alarm ringing, I kept putting it to snooze. I have to wake up to work but I’m so reluctant to go to work too. But I promised my colleague that I will be going back to do OT. When I finally wake up at 0830 my hardworking colleague Jean already SMS me that she is reaching office already. Oh my, I only just woke up on this bright Saturday. Force myself to work with a very tired body.

Reached office at 0930 and started doing my work. They dun pay by the hour that we have worked but looking at the quantity of email that we have replied. That means 4 email/hr and if I worked 8 hours I have to complete 32 emails. I work for full days 9 hours and completed 36 mails. Today emails enquires are tough, but I did all the easy ones and put those difficult one to other inbox.

As most of the Saturdays not so much of people is working, the will normal blast the air-con like nobody business. I’m freezing and shaking like hell. I keep running around the office to keep myself warm. Jean is not scared of cold and she finally feels the coldness today, imagine she so big size full cold. What about me this poor little girl?

Finally its time for me to go home, meet a friend for dinner. Dunno where to go for dinner but I’m very hungry. So told my friend anywhere where there is good food. So we landed up at ECP the lagoon for dinner. When I was there, the image of you start to flash on my mind. I remember the last time we went there and we order a lot of food. That was the only time I see you eat so much other then that time we have our dinner at Cartel. Where you thought sandwich were smaller in portion but turn out to be huge.

Then you are like the kopi boy working there, walking around then come back with different food putting on the table. We have stink ray, kang kong, satay, dauhu georang and sugar cane. Wooo, the table was filled with food and after that we are so full and take a slow stroll to Bedok Jetty to digest about. Well, today was there with my friend but the feeling is so different. Same place, same thing but different feeling. I really miss those days we are together

On the way back, I started to think a lot after what my friend told me while we are having dinner. Guess that all guys in the world are the same. Will only used the word “BUSY” as an excuse not to go out or go out and meet another gal. Haiz, all guy are the same as there is a Chinese saying

。。。天下乌鸦一班黑。。。

Where have all the good guys gone too?!?!?!

Where?

Deprive of Beauty Sleep

2005-07-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

Finally, it’s the end of the week and almost end of the month soon and its gonna be pay day soon. I’m so so broke and cant wait till pay day to come. My sickness has yet to cover and I really dunno what’s wrong with me. It’s like ages that my flu has lasted. Perhaps, g I do not have sufficient sleep for the past week. The reason being I stay up every night just to watch TV, guess that I’m really aunties.

Throughout my working hours I keep complaining that I’m very tired and any moment I can just close my eyes and sleep. Having training today oh my, this is bad. The trainer is good but I just can’t help it my eyes lids are simply very heavy to have it open. I tired very hard to keep my eyes open so I SMS my colleagues and telling them I’m sleeping ask them to entertain me. On the other hand, I email them as well and ask them why their reply is so slow.

Back into the training room, have a lot of flash back also. Thinking that when I first join my current company having that 2 weeks of fun. How I slept in class while the trainer is training us. And how I keep myself awake and finally have my head on the table sleeping. This is so fun but those were the days. And I remember that back then you are still in Nanyang and will SMS every now and then. SMSes were like instant MSN very fast, reply will slow down only we got things to do.

After work, I rushed home immediate to get my beauty sleep as one of my colleague commented that my eye bags are so obvious. Hmmm, having to be very image consciences this small comment mind a lot to me. alright, well end here today as I need to go to be dreamland to do facial. On top of that, still have to wakie early tomorrow to work OT. More OT means more mOnEy…..

A Sweet Dream

2005-07-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Heavens hear my pray, last night I have a dream. I dreamt of us again, this time round I was smiling while I’m sleeping. The dream goes this way, as usual you send me home after we were out. On the way home, we were chatting and suddenly you say you got something to show me.

I was surprise that you didn’t have bag with you, what other things you can show me. to my surprise, I saw you pulling out 2 air ticket. The name written on the name was mine and yours. I was lost of words at that point of time but feeling very very happy. So I ask why you are doing this. You replied that didn’t I want to go on a short trip with you, and this is the chance that we can go together. It was 4 days 3 night trip to Hong Kong. I was so so happy and really looking forward to it.

Oh well, dream is only a dream. We cant bring dreams into real life and cannot live in the world of dream. And this short trip with you will never gonna happen. As usual, you always failed to delivery what your have promised me.

Weird Dreams

2005-07-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

Have a dream about us yesterday. It was a pretty weird dreams and I still dun really get it when I wake up. The dream started this way, whereby my handphone ring and it was the ringtone that I assigned to your name when you called. At first I couldn’t believe that it was you that called cause you have not called me for ages.

I picked up the call and say that you wanted to meet up and short things clear once and for all. I was quite surprised, so we set a date and a place to meet. Then suddenly, I appeared in a train with my colleague and was happily chatting with them. Thereafter, when we are about to alight I saw you waiting for me at one of the seats. The moment I saw you, I felt very weird and didn’t know what to say to you. I just gave you a smile and walked away.

You saw me walked away did not chase up to me, and stared in the blank for while. I was quite disappointed with what you have done but this was I expected. Suddenly, I feel that someone is grabbing my hand and a force that pulled my back. I turn my head and saw that it was you who stopped me. I stopped and you pulled me over into your arms and hugged me very tightly. I was confused and didn’t know what to do, to push you away or to hug you back. I was totally lost and my hand was hanging and hesitating to return your hug.

You looked at me and I saw tears in your eyes, and you apologized to me that how much you have hurt me. Hope that we can start a fresh once again and promised me that you will not hurt me again. I seriously dunno whether to carry on with this relationship or not. I woke up suddenly, and not knowing what is the outcome of this relationship. Well, perhaps this is all fated that even in dreams I can’t even see a happy ending. Or even worst, not knowing anything about it. It is just bringing me nowhere and has no clues about.

I NEED BEAUTY SLEEP

2005-07-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

Weather being very good recently and the best thing to do are to stay home and sleep. And it has been raining so often recently till I’m almost freezing in the office. My colleague dun really feels that cold but I’m always complaint that I’m cold. Perhaps is my weak body that is still recovering and having a running nose too.

Dunno what’s wrong with me today but I just feel very tired, it might be due to the fact that I slept around 3 plus to finish up some stuff. And waking up half dead and dragging my body to work. I so much wanted to go home and rest after work, but was pulled by my colleague to go pasamalam with her. Didn’t wanna reject her so followed her and walked around like a zombie. We went around and my reply to her was only one word answer and really no mood to do anything. All I wanna to do is to go home and SLEEP.

I’ll keep it very short because I’m really tired and need to have BEAUTY sleep now !!!

Tired Monday

2005-07-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

It’s the start of another week, and my weekend seems so short. Well, today work was super working at the email server was down and a lot of us can’t do anything until 2 plus when the email was up and running. So in the mean time, I chatted with my colleague and gossip about people here and there.

Finally, it was time to go home and shit I got a call at weird hours. And the thing is the stupid member is very long winded and didn’t wanna put down call. He might be home or on his way home but he didn’t realize that people need to go home too. As our call centre is not 24 hrs serving people.

After work, went to meet Joan and listen to her and see what type of plan she gotta offer. She went on to become a financial planner and the first thing was of cause attacking friends. It was quite a long one and my attention spends its very limited and nearly falls asleep while she presented to me. My mind was wondering off and looking at people most of the time. This is very bad of me to do that.

It was around 12 plus before she ended everything and took a cab home. Feeling so tired and dun feel like doing anything. But, I make the conscience effort to write an email to you daily even though at the end of the day you might not be able to read it. Oh well, what is meant to be it will be.

OT on Sunday Morning

2005-07-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

Before I woke up it was raining cats and dogs outside and it really drags me to wake up so early to go to work. Was suppose to go to work at 8 as promised by my colleague but I over slept and SMS her that I’ll be late and will only reach at 9. Meanwhile wait for the rain to subside before heading to work. And the rain indeed stops before I wanna go out of the house. How amazing Singapore weather can be like, one moment rain one moment shine. It is really very unpredictable just like me.

Today OT was fun cos I can earn money and past time on a Sunday morning since I got nothing to do at home. During work, I can concentrate more and are more productive when I dun have to answer phone calls every now and then. While working, as usual was talking to my colleague Jean and multi task at the same time. Amazingly, my multi task skill is as good as before as we were talking at the same time and I did more emails then here.

Me and Jean (My Gossiping Khaki During Work)

We have a fun time and its was so relaxing cause no need to see those people I dun like and work under people’s command own time own target. Jean wanted to left at 1 I wanted to stay but then after she left already I will be bored too so leave together with her. Went to meet a friend of mine to pass him something. Then while waiting for him to arrive as he was driving. I saw many couples hoping on to their bf cars or wife going on to husband car.

I was thinking when will be my turn to have my bf coming over and fetch me? And it will be so sweet that when I open the door and he give me a peck on my cheeks or lips. This is the image that keeps running through my mind while I was waiting for my friend. Guess that in my life I have a lot of fantasy but I never seem to have this kind of fantasy done. Well, its only fantasy after all we are living in reality.

Follow my friend to his office at Singapore Post as he need to collect something there. When there and when into his boss room and it was facing the MRT station, and from that angle I can actually see CBD area. Then I lead me back to the time we had over at Comat. Think I still have gotten over it yet because I will think of it every now and then. It need time to heal a wound, just depend how badly one have been hurt.

He offered to send me home and after reaching home bath and bed here I come. I was so tired and didn’t wanna do anything thing else. When I woke up, I thought that today was a Saturday instead of Sunday and still have to go to work tomorrow. Oh my, time passes so fast and like never really enjoys my weekend. Well, I dun think I have enjoy any weekend since we parted from each other way back then.

Woooo, have to work tomorrow so have to rest now and will have to end it here. Praying for a better day tomorrow

~~~~~明天会更好~~~~

Misty Saturday

2005-07-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

Finally, dun have to work on this particular Saturday can stay home and sleep and really have a good rest. Slept till 11 plus and wake up feeling very stone thou, but I went on to edit my photo that I took last night. And went on to create my blog and edit here and there and it really very time consuming.

As you have things to do, time really passes very fast. And little did you know it was time for something else already. After creating my personal blog, I downloaded some songs, it is another time wasting thing to do. Well, since I’m free and have plenty time to waste so I used this time to download sounds. My eyes are tired after long starred at the monitor screen.

I went back to dreamland to sleep again. Today weather is so prefect just to laze around at home and sleep and do nothing. And hehe, the best is actually able to make love the whole day in this kind of good and cooling weather. Well, I’ll never have this kind of fantasy fulfilled.

Well, nothing much have happened today expected I need more rest and more beauty sleep in order for me to recover faster. I know you will be out enjoying your night, I will have to wish you enjoy your night secretly in my heart. Not be able to tell you face to face or in any context, I love you darling.

一路上有你

2005-07-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

Happen to listen to this song sang by Jacky, and i find it very meaningful and i wanna dedicate this wonderful song to you.....

你知道吗

爱你并不容易

还需要很多勇气

是天意吧

好多话说不出去

就是怕你负担不起

你相信吗

这一生遇见你

是上辈子我欠你的

是天意吧

让我爱上你

才又让你离我而去

也许轮回里早已注定

今生就该我还给你

一颗心在风雨里

飘来飘去都是为你

一路上有你

苦一点也愿意

就算是为了分离与我相遇

一路上有你

痛一点也愿意

就算这辈子注定要和你分离

Company Function At B Box

2005-07-15T03:15:00.000-07:00

Body still feeling weak but I still have to pull myself to work. I dun wanna go on MC because I think I still can tahan. As my body immune system is had weaken therefore I feel super duper cold when I’m in office today. The office temperature is like 10°C to me I have to wear 2 thick sweaters to make me warm. My colleague was saying am I mad or what, wrap myself up until like that. The only answer I have for them is I’m very very cold. They were all laughing and keep asking me to medication to control my condition.

After work, company has a function over at SAFRA Toa Payoh I wanted not to go in the first place because I’m really not feeling well. But after work, one by one keep asking me to and join the fun. So I was somehow being drag there but I didn’t regret it because I was having so much fun there. Though I’m not in a very good state but I was enjoying myself. They are having a Karaoke session and was having a competition, before they start the competition I sang a few songs with my colleagues and I chosen “Tong Hua”

Tong Hua MTV

The competition started and everyone started singing and having fun so I went around taking pictures. So I let my creativity run and strike a lot of stupid pose and ask one of my colleague to be my photographer. He says that I’m mad to do all the stupid thing but I told him that it was fun. I showed the pictures that I have taken to them and some of them commented that I’m photogenic. And one of them says that I know how to pose well, why dun I become a model. I replied I wanted to but I dun have the height.

Taken with S.H.E (Next Superstar to be)

Wasn't drinking but action action only (Isn't is cute?!?!)

The tub use for voting but i use posing (kekeke)

The background name is edited with PHOTOSHOP
"My Name is Cecilia"

Well, the competition ended and all headed home, I didn’t wanted to stay because I’m a little tired. And the rest who stayed are drinking, but I dun like to drink so I make a move first. I never touch any beer at all but I very high. Though I was having fun and enjoying myself, but I keep looking at my HP and waiting for SMS to come in. but throughout the night it was so quiet. Guess you are having your fun too cause its Friday night and you never put me across your mind as I’m not your top priority anymore. Well, this is like a one way ticket my missing for you is only one way.

"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU"

Feverish Body

2005-07-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit feverish but my mind is still clear, so when to bath and get ready to work in a half asleep mode. Come out from shower and wanted to iron my clothes. I switch on the iron and waiting for it to be hot before I iron it, but who knows I’m still in a sleepy mood I put the iron facing down. The moment I put it down on my skirt, OMG smoke started coming out and my skirt lining started to melt and finally the out come is a hole at my lining.

The lucky thing is that I iron my lining first before the front, else I have stop wearing that skirt. My favourite skirt has a hole in it, oh my but what to do it still can be wore without anyone knowing that there is a hole. When I wear it, I’ll feel a little uncomfortable because of that hole.

Went to work still sick wanted to take MC but I didn’t because I just fake one on Tuesday. Cannot take to often else I’ll be marked. So have to tahan through my 8.5 hrs of work under the super duper cool office. Finally, its 1830 hrs and I logout from my system and home I go.

After reaching home, my body temperature seems to be increasing and feeling more and more terrible. And I constantly feel very thirsty and keep drinking water and visit the toilet very often also. Still thinking whether I can go to work tomorrow or not. But it’s the last day of the week, should be ok. So I’ll tahan for any other day and its weekend, and I can really rest well at home.

Guess that the cold relief for panadol doesn’t help at all. Have a regular intake of the medicine 3 times a day but I’m still feeling as bad. Guess that I lack of sleep and really need a good rest. I was thinking that what I am as compared to you. You spend so much time in the office and dedicated all your attention to work. Stay up in the office till so late and have to reach so early the next day. You are really a workaholic my dear. Why izzit me that have to go through this stage with you.

Meet Shekeen online, and we chatted for quite sometime. We talk about who the people are left in comat and the good time and bad time we had there. The up and downs I have in comat. The life in comat before and after you came. Our most love lunch time together with Keith, we will laugh and gossip about people in comat. The MSN chat and you walked past the front door to smoke and will sure take a peep at me and a lot a lot more.There are suddenly so much fond memories running across my sick not thinking well mind. But all this memories seems to be yesterday story, still so fresh on my mind.

But well, memories can only be memories sooner or later it will fade off and it will no longer be there anymore. Live still have to go on and we can always live in the past, my bright future is still waiting for me. I guess the missing for you have gone way beyond words.

I wanna tell you that I MISS YOU A LOT A LOT!!!

Unexpected SMS

2005-07-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

My alarm didn’t wake me up at 8 am, and I slept through until I got a SMS that woke me up at 8.30. Still in a very sleepy mode and look at the time, I jumped out of my bed and washed up and get everything ready. What a rushed morning, I didn’t even have chance to go and do my morning business.

Suddenly I have one message received. I find it strange that no one will SMS me at such early hours expect for you which is many months back. And I really didn’t expect it was from you. The moment I read your SMS the content I knew exactly you need a favor from me.

"Morning, are you online or at work? I need to ask you some stuff"

Sent:
09:01:45
13-07-2005

Sender:
Patrick Wong
+659XXXXXXX

Well, I very much wanted to help you to obtain all the database but it will be very tough on my side to get hold of all the information. Because those information dun come in a spreadsheet format. Therefore, I have to extract each and every information into a spreadsheet for you. I dun mind doing the job for you but I’ll need time to do it and its very time consuming. Hope you can understand that but whatever it is I’ll have no chance to explain to you. So I have to keep it to myself and this little dairy of mine. You didn’t say much in the SMS other then asking me to help you but I’m contented enough. I have the urge to call you darling again but I didn’t because I dun wanna make the situation awkward.

After work when home feeling very tired and body was slight hot also. Went online as usual and do the same on thing. Saw Marini and chatted with her, told her everything and tears started to row down my cheeks. But I tried to hold back and not to cry as mama was just seated next to me. have a long chat with her and wanted to tell her something but I dunno how to translate in English but it can only be express through Chinese words.

~~~ 我是真的为你哭了~~~

4D Opening

2005-07-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

My colleague went around asking whether anyone wanna buy 4D, she even have the 4D paper ready like those typical bookie going around collecting debts. For the past weeks, I wanted to by our birth year. But I keep dragging and too lazy to go and queue up. The thing is that my colleague wants be the money giver but i dunno how to grab it.

Later in the night, when home and my mama wanna check 4D. Looking through the opening and look for familiar number. Though it was a consolation prize but it spotted my attention 7683. it was our birth year. Its like almost a year and this number finally appear. Oh well, we are no longer together so it wun make any difference now.

4D opeing on 13 July 2005, Wednesday

A Trip To Changi Airport

2005-07-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Woke and was ready for work but then my body didn’t listen to my mind and went back to bed again. So I called back and reported sick and was on MC, a self proclaimed off day. went back to sleep and woke up around 12 plus and get ready to polyclinic to see a doctor.

Wah, it was ages that I last been there to queue up and it will take donkey years for your turn to come. And then, you sit in there with the doctor for less then 5 mins and you have to leave the room already. Oh well, what to do want something cheap this is the nonsense you have to bare with. After 1 hour, I’m able to finish everything so it’s not as bad as what I think it is.

Going to Changi Airport

Here Come the train

Here we are at Changi Airport

Don’t have the intention to go home, so I headed to the airport to see airplanes. Since young, airport has always been my favorite to go to. Every time when I go airport, I’ll have the urge to buy one air ticket and fly off to somewhere that first come across my mind. But this is the thing that I have yet to done and no money to do it for the time being.

Walk around aimless and the airport T2 is still doing so upgrading to serve those passenger better and still hope it maintain the best airport which was currently take over by HKG airport. Having to walk around T2, I saw a lot of SQ cabin crew departing and arriving. Then I makes me have the stronger urge to be one cabin crew. I swear that I will definitely make my way to STC and finally be a cabin crew and fly around the world.

While I’m at the airport, I have the sudden feeling to ring you up and just wanna hear your voice. But I didn’t cause I know that you will be busy and you wun have the spare time to entertain me. so not to disappoint myself, I didn’t call and I miss you quietly in my heart. I went on to step on the luggage weighting machine. And to my surprise I slim down again from the last time I weight myself. 2 more kg to go before I meet my idea weight of 48kg and by then my figure will be just nice already.

On my way home, it started to pour heavily and I images started to flash my on mind again. I didn’t really think much about us but I images of me going to the airport with my SQ uniform and the hangbag as well as my luggage. The image was so nice and I’m very confident that I’m able to fulfill my dreams one day.

.....I'M GOING TO FULFILL MY DREAMS SOON.....GIVE ME ALL YOUR SUPPORT.....

......SIA HERE I COME.....

人的一生会遇上的四个人

2005-07-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

人生就是为了找寻爱的过程，每个人的人生都要找到四个人。

第一个是自己,

第二个是你最爱的人，

第三个是最爱你的人，

第四个是共度一生的人.

首先会遇到你最爱的人，然後体会到爱的感觉；

因为了解被爱的感觉，所以才能发现最爱你的人；

当你经历过爱人与被爱，学会了爱，才会知道什么是你需要的，

也才会找到最适合你，能够相处一辈子的人。

但很悲哀的，在现实生活中，这三个人通常不是同一个人；

你最爱的，往往没有选择你；

最爱你的，往往不是你最爱的；

而最长久的，偏偏不是你最爱也不是最爱你的，

只是在最适合的时间出现的那个人。

你，会是别人生命中的第几个人呢？

没有人是故意要变心的，他爱你的时候是真的爱你，

可是他不爱你的时候也是真的不爱你了，

他爱你的时候没有办法假装不爱你；

同样的，他不爱你的时候也没有办法假装爱你。

当一个人不爱你要离开你，

你要问自己还爱不爱他，

如果你也不爱他了，千万别为了可怜的自尊而不肯离开；

如果你还爱他，你应该会希望他过得幸福快乐，

希望他跟真正爱的人在一起，绝不会阻止，

你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已经不爱他了，

而如果你不爱他，你又有什么资格指责他变心呢？

爱不是占有, 你喜欢月亮，不可能把月亮拿下来放在脸盆里，

但月亮的光芒仍可照进你的房间。

换句话说，你爱一个人，也可以用另一种方式拥有，

让爱人成为生命里的永恒回忆，

如果你真爱一个人，就要爱他原来的样子─爱他的好，也爱他的坏：

爱他的优点，也爱他的缺点，

绝不能因为爱他，就希望他变成自己所希望的样子，

万一变不成就不爱他了。

真正爱一个人是无法说出原因的，

你只知道无论何时何地、心情好坏，你都希望这个人陪著你；

真正的感情是两人能在最艰苦中相守，也就是没有丝毫要求。

毕竟，感情必须付出，而不是只想获得；

分开是一种必然的考验，

如果你们感情不够稳固，只好认输，

真爱是不会变成怨恨的。

两人在谈情说爱的时候，

最喜欢叫对方发誓，许下承诺我们为什么要对方发誓，

就是因为我们不相信对方，我们根本不相信情人，

而这些山盟海誓又很不切实际：

海枯石烂、地老天荒，都不能改变我对你的爱!

明知道海不会枯、石不会烂、地不会老、天不会荒；

许下诺言的时候千万注意，不要许下可以实现的诺言，

最好是承诺做不到的事，

反正做不到的，随便说说也不要紧，

请记住：”不可能实现的诺言最动人”

在爱情里，说的是一套，做的是另一套；

讲的人不相信，听的人也不相信。

你呢？找到了第几个？

茫茫人海中，你遇见了谁？谁又遇见了你？

Bloody Monday

2005-07-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, Monday blue and almost cant wake up for work. Guess it was yesterday night that I slept around 2 plus. It have been quite sometime that I last slept for so late. But force myself to wakie and wash up and here I go for my worked.

During work, I was thinking that overall this is not a bad job to be in but can’t stay for long. It thought me how to handle people better and how to control the caller instead of them taking over the call. About to tell deal with different and demanding member better. This is a job to train interpersonal and talking skills. And I think I’m getting the hand of it.

Well, as today was Monday the call volume should be high but to my surprise it was still pretty already. So I started singing all those very sad sad love songs. And my colleague says whats when wrong into me and I told them that I fall out of love already. Indeed I’m really very sad and need time to get over it.

Got a very strong feeling that my mens will be here today and I was right. As I know that my cramp will start shortly, I went and took 2 panadol. But panadol didn’t help much and I was in pain but I bare with it. Thereafter, the office became colder and colder and it makes me feel worst. I wanted to go home but it was like 1 ½ hrs more before I can knock off. So I went and take 2 more panadols. This pain is slowly killing me, its not easy being a woman. And man will never understand it and often hurt woman. Why woman life is so miserable.

Reached home, bath and watch the very popular Koran drama serial “Da Chang Jing” it’s a very intereting show. Korean is really a very nice place to go to. I wanna save up and travel around the world. But what I wanna do most is to actually travel together with my love one. I guess that I’m not able to do that. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I’ll wait or better travel alone and probably able to find my soul mate at some part of the world.

Lazy Suday

2005-07-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today email gonna be a short short one cause nothing much to write about too. As I have to work tomorrow so today will be a lazy Sunday for me. Went online in the morning and saw an ex-colleague of mine. He was asking how have I been and stuff like this, suddenly he told me that I’m very hard to understand.

I told him that is it because one moment he can see my smiling and laughing, suddenly the next moment I will go very quiet and dun wanna talk. He totally agrees with me and I say that this is my personality and it’s hard for me to understand myself too. Understanding a person takes time, like falling in love. You need time to know that person, to fall for that person then to understand him/her and finally being together. Unless the both parties have telepathy power knows what each other is thinking.

Weather is very good and took a short nap before sleep, was talking to my sis and she was asking what when wrong with my relationship. I didn’t reply to her and pretend that I have fallen asleep but deep down I was very sad and didn’t wanna talk about it. So know that I’m sad so she never went further.

At night, as usual I cant fall into sleep. It might be due to the nap I took or the same on thing happen. So I took my hp and read through all the SMS that you sent me back then. I was so sweet of you and the happy memories came back. So I SMS you and told you how much I miss you. As expected, I know you wun reply and I was right about it. So tried very hard to force myself to sleep but it was hard.

Okie, I shall end here cause nothing much have happen today……..

Bus Ride 168

2005-07-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

Time really passes fast boy, today is marks the 2 months that we have last seen each other. And I didn't realize it until I flip my calendar to check on same dates and realize that we last see each other was on 8 May 2005. Since then, I never see you or feel you since then. I wanted to meet up but you are always so busy with work and rejected my time after time after time. Until I decided to initiate the meeting up and waiting for you but you never do that.

Yesterday night, I dreamt about us. We met up and go panic again, and the weather was so nice and we really enjoy ourselves. But suddenly, your mood changes and I was laying on you but you stood up and you push me away. I ask what happen, you didn't anything and just walked off. I went up to you and wanted to know the reason but eventually I didn't able to know whats the reason because I woke up suddenly. Feeling very sad to have this dream, without knowing what is the reason behind.

Well, a dream is just a dream and dun dwell too much on it. Gotta get ready to work and today is a super duper boring shift which starts from 10.30 - 7.30 where I suppose to have a day off. But it doesn't matter any more cause weekends and weekdays to me just make no different. Day in day out doing the same old thing over and over again. Dunno why during work, I just have the urge to sms you or called you but I just wished to do that. As I remember clearly what happen between you and Karen. It's supposed to be a cool of period and if I keep sending you sms like I miss you and I cant live without you. I know you definitely get very irritated by it. So I decided not to sms you anymore and keep this missing all to myself and within this email that no one will know about it.

Talking about Karen, I think what she say was right and I think this is called Karma. She told me at that time that because of me you wanna a divorce with her, which in fact you stress to me that I'm not the main course of everything. And it could be due to the same reason that because of a gal that you wanted to put the relationship to a stop with me. I was thinking that I might me my retribution and I'm suffering from the cause now. But what to do this is my faith and I have to live with it.

After work, having nowhere to go as I dun wanna go out to see couples around. This will makes me feel even sadder, so everyday my routine is work, home, work and try to cut myself off from social life. When I was about to go home, dunno what went wrong into me. I walk to the bus stop where 168 stops and when 168 came and I just hope onto the bus, I dunno why am I doing all this too. As it was a long ride of ~45 mins but through the bus ride there was a lot of flash back of the time we had together. Finally I alighted at the bus stop, it was a walked from the bus stop to your block. So I slowly walked and was thinking that will I bumped into you or not and all sorts of nonsense. Eventually, I reached your void deck and lotter around and from one angel I'm able to see your room from afar. But I dun dare to look directly cause I'm afraid that you might look out and saw me. This may appear to be very dramatic but I really did that. I was holding on to my phone and very much wanted to give you a call and tell you that I'm waiting for you at your void deck.

But I didn't because I dun wanna to hear negative things from you. I was thinking that you must be either sleeping soundly or you have already gone out for the day. As today is a weekend I dun wanna spoil your day so I stood from afar to just to see your room I'm contented already. I headed straight home after that and it was a long and lonely ride home. I suddenly have the very lost kind of feeling, dunno where am I and where I'm heading too. I tried not to think of it diverted my attention somewhere else by looking at those scenery and flats around SLE/TPE.

Finally, I got home feeling so so tired after the long ride home. It wasn't really fulfilling but I'm just happy in a way or another. Dun worry, I'll not be so stupid to stalk you and do those nonsense stuff just to get your attention or to win you back. As I believe that what is meant to be yours it will be. I have flight for my happiness but failed to do that because in a relationship is not about oneself but two parties contributing to it. i'm not able to be the last woman in your life but I'm contented that I'm once your gf but the one who suffered the most during the time we are together. Probably I dun have the life to be pampered and by truly loved by someone.

Weekend

2005-07-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

Not being able to sleep well for the night and keep waiting up for a few times, nearly cant wake up for work. But I told myself that no matter how tired I’m, I will still go and work as this is the professionalism that I have for work.

Works as per normal and nothing special or interesting happen during work because my job is boring. Nothing then the word boring and its not challenging at all. Day in day out doing the some old thing. Stay for another few months and that’s it. I cant help it but keep yawning during work. As my colleague ask me, yesterday was my day off I should look very fresh but why am I yawning. I immediately told them that I’m just mentally very tired and need a good rest and a break away from everything.

Nothing much to do after work, as I dun have to go dating anymore. And I will never have that kind of feeling of being loved in this whole life. I gave up in love and I’m sorry for those who love and wanna me to reciprocate. I’m afraid that I’m unable to love anyone now, I have been hurt very badly this life time. And never believe in love anymore.

There is once I happen to read this website and they say that you will never be able to married the person you loved most. And I find it very true cause due to some reason those people in love will break up, as nothing is prefect in this world even for relationship.

I watched this drama serial as per normal, this female lead happen to fall out of love and was alone at a jetty. Her best friend came by to console her, she told her friend that she was hurt before and she learn to be strong and wun shed a tear. But shortly after she finished her words, she started crying and pours out all her sorrow. The moment I saw that scene, my tears row down my cheek and I went to the toilet and cried out loud.

Perhaps, I still can’t get over it after so long. I’m not used to you being my side, we are not together for like donkey years but for few months only. Guess that our relationship is really not strong enough to withstand external factors. Sometimes, I have the feeling that we are unable to cross the 1 year mark and I’m so right about it. But whatever it is, as long as seeing you happy and have something in your career I’m happy for you.

Ok, shall write to here as I have to work tomorrow and need to force myself to sleep if not then I’ll have sleeping night again.

My Day Off

2005-07-07T23:49:00.000-07:00

Luckily waking up in the morning without any hangover. But then, my body still feels very soft and I was damn hungry. Then first thing I do was to go and bath and clean myself up from yesterday mess. Took my clothes and wash it, I was disgusted by the stain on it. Clean the house cook for myself, feel like I’m the maid for the day.

After a long nice bath and some food, I felt so much better. As it was my day off, so I went online and check out for jobs. Seeing what is available in the job market and waiting for the right one and hop onto it. But eventually I’m still waiting for the right moment to fulfill my dream is to be able to fly. I’m very confident that this will come true just one day.

When I log on to the website and I saw your nick online. I hesitated and think whether I should pop you a message or not? I was thinking that even I pop you a message you might not even reply to me. Even if so, we dun have much topic to talk about too. The feeling is just weird and not right. So after long thoughts I decided not to pop you any message anymore. Suppose to be in the cool off stage I guess. However, I’m happy even to just see your nick there. Some times, I really wished I could have the power to be able to read people’s mind and know what is running on their mind.

Read an email from friendster to notify that my friend have updated her blog. She I went on to see her blog. When I read it I was like wow, really very envy of her. She is the one I’m talking about flying with SIA. She is only like 23 this year and she is holding a black and platinum card. And she did upload some photos in friendster when she is overseas, the places she went it was like so beautiful. I swear that I’ll be there one day too, it’s just a matter of time.

When to take as I was feeling a bit tired cause I wake up pretty early today. But the moment I lay down on my bed and close my eyes, images still to flash again. Be it the happy or the sad memories it is still very clear on my mind. I really miss you a lot and just wanna feel myself in your arms once again and give you a tight hug. But I guess all this will never happen again.

Tonight once again, it’s another sleepless night for me. Turning and tossing around my bed. I really feel like going to the doctor and ask for sleeping pills. This will at least let me have a good night sleep without having to think so much.

Ladies Night At Zouk

2005-07-06T04:32:00.000-07:00

When to work as per normal, put on a smile and treat as though nothing had happened. But this is all superficial, what to do this is life. As usual, feeling the same way as what I had months back which is depression. Trying very hard to fall asleep but I just can’t close my eyes and rest my mind.

Feeling very hungry and hurried my colleague to go for lunch. Though lunch time is only 45 mins but this is normally the best time I had for myself during work. Happened to talk about relationship with my colleague. Her boyfriend is a Malaysia, and happen if they got married she will have to go over to Malaysia. Then I causal make a remark that I can be yr neighbour whereby I live at woodlands.

Then happen that she ask me when was my last relationship ended, I told her not long ago. And she replied to me that I still can look so happy. In fact, I wanted to tell her that I’m not. Deep down in me, I’m really hurt and sad and I have to end my day with tears. Can’t imagine how long this will last. As I told her that I wun feel bad because I do not let down my partner in any way as I still love him deeply, just that we are not fated to be together.

Looking forward to after work as I’m going to Zouk to celebrate my friend birthday. As I end work late at 7.30pm so I got everything ready and go directly from there. Met my sis first before heading down. When to Tiong Bahru plaza to have dinner first, then happen to see a flying friend of mine. After some conversation, I really envy her and how I wished I could be flying too. It may looks glamorous but it is not. Nevertheless, I do get to travel to places like Zurich, Cape Town, Dubai, Paris, London and blah blah blah.

Finally got there before 10pm, the crowd isn’t that much yet but people slowly coming in. my friends are a branch of monkey as they have so much lame joke to tell. I was laughing but my laugher is not genuine. We are all waiting for the one for one session to start at 11pm. This is where all the people starts flowing in and the party get started.

The minutes the clock strike 11 we started to go and get drinks. We got one jug of vodka lime, 12 shots and 4 bottles of E33. We started drinking, laughing and dancing and I drink too much till I can feel myself very high. The world is like spinning and I started to spin too. And the lighting makes me feel even worst. I got the urge to puke, so I walked cross legged to the toilet. As the toilet was in a long queue, I couldn’t support myself well and stood on the flood while waiting.

I knew that I’m going to puke, I have tissue on my hands ready. The next moment, everything came out. In total I puke 3 times in the toilet. And the toilet aunty had enough of me, gave me a plastic just in case I need to puke. I felt so bad for her as she has to clear up the mess I created. I can’t even pee well in the toilet and nearly wanted to sleep in there. My sis pull me out to the nearest bus stop and I sat there. I should be drunk but my mind was still clear. Images of us going to Zouk for the first time and the things we have done there are running across my mind.

I started crying again, lucky no one was around as I dun have my hp with me. my sis went back to ask one of the guy to look after me as it will be safer for me. In the meantime while I was alone, holding on to the plastic bag, I started to fill the bag with my lunch and dinner. I lead me to think the first time we went to drink and I puke too but this time round it was worst. I didn’t expect that I’ll be so sad and down. My guy friend came out and keeps me companied for a while.

Lucky I was with guys, if not then I’ll sure be taken advantage of because my whole body feels so jelly to reject them. I’m still not very stable but they pull me back to the dance floor again and they put me at a corner. I know that they wanted to have fun but I just spoil the fun. So I hold me while they are dancing and I can stand still and keep falling down. Oh my luckily there are a lot off people around to cover me.

Finally, around 3+ they wanted to go home and I was the first to agreed. We hail a cab and I try to stay awake in the cab and the moment I reached home I changed and went straight to bed. I know I’m naught but I really cannot take it anymore. I totally knock off and have a good sleep.

Saddness Day of 2005

2005-07-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

This week I’m on a later shift, so I log on to the website and finally gotta see you online. Hesitate a while to pop you a message cos I dunno whether will you reply or not. But I decided to take the first move cause I dun wanna this thing to go on and on aimless.

And finally I pop u a message and say that we need to talk about our relationship. I dunno whether I did it right or wrong. And whether can I take the outcome or not. After some conversation, we finally get into the main topic. And I was right, you are the one who decided to stop everything and say we really need time to really think over what we wanna. I admit that I can’t take your answer at first.

I told myself not too be irrational and perhaps this may be the best way out for the both of us. I was very angry with you at that point of time, because I remember very clearly that you dun like to drag things. But this thing has been going on for 2 months. And if I dun ask you for an answer you will continue to not even pop me a message and slowly let my feeling subside for you.

The moment when I saw your friendster, our pictures is not that anymore and you remove the text from the person who you wanna meet, my heart shattered into pieces. But I should feel contented that at least you never change your status to single and delete off the testimonial that I have wrote for you.

I was on my way to work when you sms me, I actually cried when I replied to every of your sms. And even when I’m at work, my voice was very shaky and feel like taking half day leave and just go home but I hang on to it. I was hash with my words, because I thought I could just walk out of it bravely. But little did I know that I’m actually not that strong enough after all. During lunch time, I went to the toilet and cried.

This is a very bad monday for me since the 2005 starts to now. Perhaps it will not be as bad as what I think it is if I were to think on a brighter side. Guess that you wun feel as sad as I do, cause you have been hurt badly once. And this is jus nothing to you because you chose to op away from a while and decide whether to continue this relationship or not. All men are just very selfish creatures.

Guess I should stop loving man and start to hate them one by one. Finally its time to go home and I was still feeling very sad and down. Wanted to go to bed early but I just can’t fall into sleep. I toss and turn and walk around the house, went to surf the web and do whatever I can to fall asleep. But the moment I closed my eyes, images will start flashing across my mind. I can’t help it and I started crying silently under my blanket as I dun wanna wake my sis up. It was such a long night for me.

This could be part and parcel of life to hurt people and to get hurt by people. Why must I undergo this kind of misery? I never let anyone down in my life or in any relationship but why must I always be the victim to be hurt. Probably, I’m not strong enough or I’m just too kind to hurt others. What will happen in the future nobody can guarantee and be sure off. But I’m know for sure is that you work towards your future and make it the way you wanna it to be and not the other way round.

Maybe we are fated to meet this lifetime and not fated to be husband and wife. Perhaps, we have to wait for next life. Everything in life is pre-destinated, what is meant to be yours it will be. Its time to really think about what we wanna in this relationship, but I doubt that you will have the time to think about it. So I predict that this will not have an outcome to it. And eventually we will have to put a red light to it.

If we are really meant to be together, we will eventually meet at the cross road once again. And be able to be lover once again. But if this is not the case, I wun sincerely wish you all the best for your future undertaking and the next better gal who come along your life. As for me, I have decided not to love anymore cause the feeling of being hurt is so bad. I dun wanna be hard and dun wanna hurt others as well.

~~心如刀割~~