Saddness Day of 2005

This week I’m on a later shift, so I log on to the website and finally gotta see you online. Hesitate a while to pop you a message cos I dunno whether will you reply or not. But I decided to take the first move cause I dun wanna this thing to go on and on aimless.

And finally I pop u a message and say that we need to talk about our relationship. I dunno whether I did it right or wrong. And whether can I take the outcome or not. After some conversation, we finally get into the main topic. And I was right, you are the one who decided to stop everything and say we really need time to really think over what we wanna. I admit that I can’t take your answer at first.

I told myself not too be irrational and perhaps this may be the best way out for the both of us. I was very angry with you at that point of time, because I remember very clearly that you dun like to drag things. But this thing has been going on for 2 months. And if I dun ask you for an answer you will continue to not even pop me a message and slowly let my feeling subside for you.

The moment when I saw your friendster, our pictures is not that anymore and you remove the text from the person who you wanna meet, my heart shattered into pieces. But I should feel contented that at least you never change your status to single and delete off the testimonial that I have wrote for you.

I was on my way to work when you sms me, I actually cried when I replied to every of your sms. And even when I’m at work, my voice was very shaky and feel like taking half day leave and just go home but I hang on to it. I was hash with my words, because I thought I could just walk out of it bravely. But little did I know that I’m actually not that strong enough after all. During lunch time, I went to the toilet and cried.

This is a very bad monday for me since the 2005 starts to now. Perhaps it will not be as bad as what I think it is if I were to think on a brighter side. Guess that you wun feel as sad as I do, cause you have been hurt badly once. And this is jus nothing to you because you chose to op away from a while and decide whether to continue this relationship or not. All men are just very selfish creatures.

Guess I should stop loving man and start to hate them one by one. Finally its time to go home and I was still feeling very sad and down. Wanted to go to bed early but I just can’t fall into sleep. I toss and turn and walk around the house, went to surf the web and do whatever I can to fall asleep. But the moment I closed my eyes, images will start flashing across my mind. I can’t help it and I started crying silently under my blanket as I dun wanna wake my sis up. It was such a long night for me.

This could be part and parcel of life to hurt people and to get hurt by people. Why must I undergo this kind of misery? I never let anyone down in my life or in any relationship but why must I always be the victim to be hurt. Probably, I’m not strong enough or I’m just too kind to hurt others. What will happen in the future nobody can guarantee and be sure off. But I’m know for sure is that you work towards your future and make it the way you wanna it to be and not the other way round.

Maybe we are fated to meet this lifetime and not fated to be husband and wife. Perhaps, we have to wait for next life. Everything in life is pre-destinated, what is meant to be yours it will be. Its time to really think about what we wanna in this relationship, but I doubt that you will have the time to think about it. So I predict that this will not have an outcome to it. And eventually we will have to put a red light to it.

If we are really meant to be together, we will eventually meet at the cross road once again. And be able to be lover once again. But if this is not the case, I wun sincerely wish you all the best for your future undertaking and the next better gal who come along your life. As for me, I have decided not to love anymore cause the feeling of being hurt is so bad. I dun wanna be hard and dun wanna hurt others as well.

~~心如刀割~~