Thinking of You

It’s another week and marking the start of August tomorrow long. Thinking back that I have forgotten how long we didn’t see each other, chat on the phone, sms each other and MSN chat. Guess all this have happen too long ago till I lost track of where I’m at already and slowly I will start not to keep track and totally forget about your existence in this world. How I wished I could just vanish into the thin air all of a sudden. And bring me to somewhere that I belong and I can find and know what the meaning of happiness.

At one point of time I though I have found happiness but like I always say, things that come fast will go fast too. Nothing last forever and will never find anything that wun come to an end in this world. Even the world will come to end an end one day just a matter of time. Being home the whole day and dunno what went wrong into me, I kept thinking of you. I told myself not to think of you cause it will hurt me more. But I just cant help it, images of you and the things we done keep flashing across my mind the whole day. You will never know my missing for you. I really miss you a lot and at times I have the urge to call you and listen to your voice but I didn’t. I just hold back and treat it as nothing has happen cause I know you will not entertain to my call and we dun have much to talk about too. we have become stranger to me all of a sudden. I dunno who you are and what you are thinking anymore.

You wun be as hurt as I do cause you are the one who initiate the breakup, I seriously dunno what went wrong. You are being hurt once so badly by Jocelyn, so this is nothing as compared to the breakup back then. And you say that after that incident, you will cry or feel sad when the relationship dun work up in the end. I can understand how you feel. I once told myself that too but in the end I’m so badly hurt. Even since that day, I became very quiet at home. And didn’t wanna go out and keep everything to myself.

My sister attempted to ask me what’s wrong with me why a sudden change in me? I say nothing and ask her not to ask so much, because she can’t do anything about it too. Soon she found out that we are no longer together. She asked me why I can treat it like nothing has happen. I so much wanted to tell her that actually I felt very sad and had cried many a times silently but no one knows about it. I grief over the breakup and tears just roll down my cheek when I go to bed every night. But things started to get better as days go by, they are right time is really the best medicine to heal everything.

I started to talk and job more often cause I wanna put on the strong front in me and let people know that I’m alright. But in fact deep down in me still leave a very deep sacred that is in the process of recovering.

Battery Recharged

My stupid colleague Jean SMS me early in the morning tell me that she is going back for OT, where I’m still sleeping so soundly. Got woken up by her SMS and decided whether to go back for OT or not. Told her that I’ll be in the office at 11, so will keep her company till 8 pm but the moment I wanted to go and bath it started to pour. Wanted to wait for the rain to subside but it went heavier and heavier. So decided to stay home and rest to recharge my batt.

Was SMS Jean throughout the day as she complaint to me about her unhappiness and blah blah. Me was oh ok, listening to her and do my own things at the same time. Today was the walk in interview for Cabin Crew for Emirates. Well, I very much wanted to go but something is holding me back and I know for sure I will get rejected. So in the end I didn’t go also. I wun go for a battle if I dun have confident in winning. If I’m selected, I’ll have to base in Dubai. I like the idea but gotta station there for 3 years and a lot of things I gotta think about also. In another word, I can’t bare to leave but then it will be a very good learning experience. And thinking wise will be broaden and will see and learn a lot more things. Given a chance, I really wanna go overseas to work or study.

It’s a lazy Saturday for me, and weather is so good so spend my time sleeping and sleeping. While poor Jean is still in office working in half asleep mode. She still gotta tahan to 8 pm before she can go home and rest. Finally, the OT its over and dun have anymore OT coming up already. Life gotten back to normal and working hours have to resume back to normal 8.25 hours instead of 12 hours.

Times flies and its coming to the end of July and few months down the road its going be X’mas and it will be the end of 2005 and have to welcome 2006 already. And I’m a year older yet I have not achieved something great in life yet. I’m not that young any more, must do something great this life time else will live with regrets.

But well, heaven also so unfair to me. I dun see my potential in any areas but have a lot of shortcoming and so not prefect as compared to the rest even though no one is prefect. Everything just goes so smoothly for some people and they dun have to worry for life. Things just get so well path for them, some times I do blame my parents for not planning my future for me or even do some saving for me when I’m young. Therefore, I found saving very important in my growing up years and see the important to save. Cause you never know what will happen tomorrow and when you are in need of hard cash. But then once again, money isn’t everything.

My Charm Is Un-Blockable

Finally it’s Friday, and weekend is just near the corner so I can use this time to catch up with more sleep and sleep. Its doest matter to me any more cause I’m not dating and dun wanna go out of the home. My life has pretty much return to what I’m back in Comat. Go to work in the morning, after work goes home and weekends stay at home. Will go out only applicable or have an appointment. Other then that, my time is spent at home, what a boring life I have.

Anyway, I’m used to it already cause I’m a lone ranger and friends doesn’t matter much to me also. I’m rather weird too, I dunno what my real personality is and why am I behaving this way. Today while having lunch with my colleague, saw another 2 newly joined colleague dunno them well, but offer them to be seated beside us. The funny thing is that they are lesbian. They are having some tiff and the butch is trying her best to hoax her gal but she is simply giving attitude. Oh my, some times is really not easy being a guy. Throughout the whole eating session is very tense up. But the butch keeps looking at me and smile.

As usual, stay back to do OT and when I went to submit my OT form my colleague say got something to tell me and ask me to be more careful. I thought what happen and did something wrong again. But to my relief she wanted to tell me that the butch keep asking her what is my name. cause she find me very cute, when she commented that I’m very cute looking her gal turn back on her. Dun wanna talk to her and throw temper again. I was laughing and say to her that this is so far.

My colleague say ask me not to any how 电 people. I replied to her that I can’t help it when I’m so charming and got the charisma to charm one after another regardless it is guy or gal. She nearly fainted and say I very thick skinned, she knows that I’m joking. The moment she told me that the butch say that I’m cute, I so much wanted to SMS you and tell you that but thinking about it, it’s none of your business so why must I tell you something that is not even significant in your life right? You will only waste money SMSes me, or even best dun even wanna reply my SMS at all. It’s ok, cause I no longer have that special place in your heart anymore. Perhaps, someone has taken over your heart and replace me long ago to be that someone special.

Anyway, still have to think on the bright side cause there are always better guys out there. But then once again, so what if there is better guy and 2 people just dun click with each other also no use. Forcing oneself into a relationship wun bring happiness, let alone forcing oneself to stay in a relationship when you no longer love that person. Love is so crappy and I will never understand it.

Today is Friday, guess you must be enjoying yourself and having a good time. As long as you are happy, I’m happy for your too.

~~~只要你过得比我辛福 ~~~

Life Is So Tired

Oh today is the 4th day of the week that I have been working OT but I dun feel tired at all. Cause all I wanna do is to bury myself with work, therefore I wun have the extra time to think of anything else. Cause when I’m tired and the moment I reached home all I wanna do is to sleep and sleep.

Nothing much happen today, but just release that its better not to have too much friend working as Financial Adviser. Cause they will bark you to buy policies from them time after time. Though I need it’s a need to have it but when one dun have the financial budget its also hard to maintain it. Oh well, its hard to push one then after that come by another one and the thing they say its all the same till I can recite everything to them.

Yesterday my colleague was talking about 4D opening and I didn’t have to time to go online and check out what words. Well, though I dun by 4D but I have the habit of looking at the number. Then when I check it out I realize that our number comes out again but the last 2 digit was being jumble up. This is so strange, when we are together the number did not come but the moment we parted it appears. Heaven really like to play a fool on people huh. Well, what to do we do not have access to our future.

4D Opening 28 Jul 2005

Wanted to thinking of a lot of stuff before I sleep but the moment I wanna think I started to fall asleep. Dun really have the energy to think of you that much cause all my attention are given to my work. I do feel the stress level there ever since I encounter minor incident at work. Guess, I really need to be very cautions in doing everything. Specially when looking for husband. Must really open my eyes wide open else the ending of the story will be divorce.

Sometimes, I wonder am I a good girlfriend and will I be a good wife and a mother the next time. But then sometimes, there are so many questions there is no answer to. I find it very contradicting, I’m longing for someone to love me but then I dun dare to love anymore. I hate to be hurt others. Why is it my love life is always that bad???

Work Work Work

27 July 2005, Wednesday – Cloudy

Couldn’t wake up in the morning and wanted to just take MC and stay at home to have a very good rest. But didn’t, so went to walk but was late for work again. While I was at work, I just couldn’t concentrated and keep yawning non stop. Think I’m really weak at taking late nights and lacking sleep. I told my colleague that my eye bags are getting more and more obvious and not pretty any more.

As my body still able to take it, my colleague was asking whether I wanna to do OT today. Since I got nothing to do, so I stay back do my work and talk cock with my grossing khaki. We are just seated right in front of each other but with partition, and the funny thing is we are communicating through emails. And at times, where my reply is very funny I will stand up and ask her to check out her email and we laugh together.

Work as per normal and 12 hrs straight for me again, wondering how long I can take it. Sooner or later I will break down and collapse. But guess the OT will be coming to an end soon as they have cleared a lot of emails. So will not need people to do the job any more. While I was on my way home, I started to think. When you are really busy and engaged at work, you simply got no other time to do anything. All you wanna do is to have more time to sleep. I can understand how you feel and eventually bring everything to a stop.

But I believe no matter how busy or tired one person is, he/she will definitely make time for the one they love. I guess this is not the true fact. Cause I know that no matter how tired I am for the day, I will still makethe effort to write what happen to me. I didn’t blame you in fact I hated you for doing this to me. At first, I thought you are not like those normal guys by giving excuses and saying that you are busy and then bring the relationship to an end. I was wrong, very wrong. You started not talking to me and communication totally stop. I was very disappointed and no words can be used to expression my feeling. I really wanna know what you wanna but I cant guess cause I dun have telepaty.

Who knows you might be having another gal and she found out that she is better. I dun blame you for that cause I’m not prefect and I have my flaws and weaknesses. People is always going for the better stuff when they know they having something good. We human will just not feel contented in life.

Guess its time for me to go to my wonderland now, sleep to me its so important. Its gonna be another 12 hours at work. Work can now temporary let me forget everything.

LIFE=WORK=MONEY=TIME=MONEY

12 Hours Marathon At Work

After 12 long hours at work, finally its time to log off and go home. I’m so damn tired, never have I worked for so long in my life before. Though my job scope is very simple but I’ll just feel very tired mentally and physically feel very drain and no more energy to do anything. The moment I reached home, I bath and have dinner.

The next moment I realise I have fallen deep a sleep and actually wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to do something, but I just dun have the energy to do it. And fall back to sleep till morning. Tomorrow will be another day of OT OT OT, more OT means more money and I need money more than anything else. I dun need love any more cause they can bring me happiness but eventually will still hurt me at the end of the day.

This will be a very short one cause i really dun have the energy to do anything else cause i left with only 1% of the energy to switch off the comp and walk to my bed and close my eyes. just nice, my body batt is flat and its time to charged....

Bad Monday

Monday blue and my mood are blue too. Was consider very late for work (7 mins late) though its only 7 mins but its consider late cause our allowance of lateness is only 5 mins a month. What to do we are in a call center environment so log in and log out timing is all monitor and what we do is also. Really no freedom at all, think will have to leave after my holiday cause I’m not those really can stand being bonded by so much restriction.

Well, thought today things will go smoothly for me but bad things just came one after another. Oh my, I dunno what went wrong into my luck. So many unlucky things happened to me at one goal. Probably I dun have the heart to work cause I’m thinking of too much thing and you are one of the major factor. Guess I’m going to be dead this time round, because I never issued a ticket for a member and the seats on the flight is very packed and the controller are unable to assist on releasing the seats.

My senior also panic for me, what should I know. If he dun get the seat he will sure complaint and I wanted to provide alternative but he refuse to accept and die die also wanna go on that flight. It’s my fault but I really dunno what to do at that point of time. There are like so many bad things happen to me. At that point of time I really wanted to break down but I hang on to it. And my first instinct was to text you and pours everything to you, I need a listening ear and someone to lean on. But I hold back cause you are no longer that some special to me and I dun wanna disturb you. You never know how much I wanted to tell how I feel and miss those times when you console me when I was down. You will not be there anymore for me when I needed you to be. So I hold back and I really feel very bad but I can’t do anything about it.

After work, accompany my colleague to buy something. I was like so moody and when she talks to me I wasn’t paying attention to her at all. So gotta repeat herself a few times before I reply to her. Went straight home after work as I’m very tired physically and mentally. I just need to rest and really rest. After reaching home, I went online and check email and send that you send me a message through friendster. I check it out and dunno what to reply to you, so I decided not to reply anything to you. Suppose this is the best way but human are like so contradicting. I also dunno what to say, all I know is that I have a bad bad bad bad day. What a day to start a week, and still have 6 more days to go……

!!!!!!!BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!!!!!!

Tired Tired Tired

Slept very later yesterday and have been working 6 days non stop, I am feeling damn exhausted. My eyes couldn’t open when I woke up in the morning, and my whole body was so soft. Soon after, I fall back to sleep again and wake up in the late after. While I was doing my things, my sister mentions something and I strike my mind and say why didn’t I think of it.

You perhaps have been outstation for this period of time, and your nick has been parked in MSN for so long. Wonder what you are doing at the other end of the world. I seriously really wanted to know what you are doing but once again I have no rights to control and know what you are doing. I’m nobody to you right. I really miss you a lot and you will know my missing for you anymore.

Well oh well, time will heal anything and eventually forget everything slow. Like they say feeling will fade over a period of time and I dunno how true this is going to be. Just like the song “whatever will be will be, the future is not our to see” this is so true. Okie, this is my precious resting time once again.

Wondering how much you miss me on the other end or you never miss me at all???

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not!

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not!

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

Miss Me?

Miss Me Not?

I REALLY WANNA KNOW

Freezing in Office

Alarm ringing, I kept putting it to snooze. I have to wake up to work but I’m so reluctant to go to work too. But I promised my colleague that I will be going back to do OT. When I finally wake up at 0830 my hardworking colleague Jean already SMS me that she is reaching office already. Oh my, I only just woke up on this bright Saturday. Force myself to work with a very tired body.

Reached office at 0930 and started doing my work. They dun pay by the hour that we have worked but looking at the quantity of email that we have replied. That means 4 email/hr and if I worked 8 hours I have to complete 32 emails. I work for full days 9 hours and completed 36 mails. Today emails enquires are tough, but I did all the easy ones and put those difficult one to other inbox.

As most of the Saturdays not so much of people is working, the will normal blast the air-con like nobody business. I’m freezing and shaking like hell. I keep running around the office to keep myself warm. Jean is not scared of cold and she finally feels the coldness today, imagine she so big size full cold. What about me this poor little girl?

Finally its time for me to go home, meet a friend for dinner. Dunno where to go for dinner but I’m very hungry. So told my friend anywhere where there is good food. So we landed up at ECP the lagoon for dinner. When I was there, the image of you start to flash on my mind. I remember the last time we went there and we order a lot of food. That was the only time I see you eat so much other then that time we have our dinner at Cartel. Where you thought sandwich were smaller in portion but turn out to be huge.

Then you are like the kopi boy working there, walking around then come back with different food putting on the table. We have stink ray, kang kong, satay, dauhu georang and sugar cane. Wooo, the table was filled with food and after that we are so full and take a slow stroll to Bedok Jetty to digest about. Well, today was there with my friend but the feeling is so different. Same place, same thing but different feeling. I really miss those days we are together

On the way back, I started to think a lot after what my friend told me while we are having dinner. Guess that all guys in the world are the same. Will only used the word “BUSY” as an excuse not to go out or go out and meet another gal. Haiz, all guy are the same as there is a Chinese saying

。。。 天下乌鸦一班黑。。。

Where have all the good guys gone too?!?!?!

Where?

Where?

Where?

Where?

Where?

Deprive of Beauty Sleep

Finally, it’s the end of the week and almost end of the month soon and its gonna be pay day soon. I’m so so broke and cant wait till pay day to come. My sickness has yet to cover and I really dunno what’s wrong with me. It’s like ages that my flu has lasted. Perhaps, g I do not have sufficient sleep for the past week. The reason being I stay up every night just to watch TV, guess that I’m really aunties.

Throughout my working hours I keep complaining that I’m very tired and any moment I can just close my eyes and sleep. Having training today oh my, this is bad. The trainer is good but I just can’t help it my eyes lids are simply very heavy to have it open. I tired very hard to keep my eyes open so I SMS my colleagues and telling them I’m sleeping ask them to entertain me. On the other hand, I email them as well and ask them why their reply is so slow.

Back into the training room, have a lot of flash back also. Thinking that when I first join my current company having that 2 weeks of fun. How I slept in class while the trainer is training us. And how I keep myself awake and finally have my head on the table sleeping. This is so fun but those were the days. And I remember that back then you are still in Nanyang and will SMS every now and then. SMSes were like instant MSN very fast, reply will slow down only we got things to do.

After work, I rushed home immediate to get my beauty sleep as one of my colleague commented that my eye bags are so obvious. Hmmm, having to be very image consciences this small comment mind a lot to me. alright, well end here today as I need to go to be dreamland to do facial. On top of that, still have to wakie early tomorrow to work OT. More OT means more mOnEy…..

A Sweet Dream

Heavens hear my pray, last night I have a dream. I dreamt of us again, this time round I was smiling while I’m sleeping. The dream goes this way, as usual you send me home after we were out. On the way home, we were chatting and suddenly you say you got something to show me.

I was surprise that you didn’t have bag with you, what other things you can show me. to my surprise, I saw you pulling out 2 air ticket. The name written on the name was mine and yours. I was lost of words at that point of time but feeling very very happy. So I ask why you are doing this. You replied that didn’t I want to go on a short trip with you, and this is the chance that we can go together. It was 4 days 3 night trip to Hong Kong. I was so so happy and really looking forward to it.

Oh well, dream is only a dream. We cant bring dreams into real life and cannot live in the world of dream. And this short trip with you will never gonna happen. As usual, you always failed to delivery what your have promised me.

Weird Dreams

Have a dream about us yesterday. It was a pretty weird dreams and I still dun really get it when I wake up. The dream started this way, whereby my handphone ring and it was the ringtone that I assigned to your name when you called. At first I couldn’t believe that it was you that called cause you have not called me for ages.

I picked up the call and say that you wanted to meet up and short things clear once and for all. I was quite surprised, so we set a date and a place to meet. Then suddenly, I appeared in a train with my colleague and was happily chatting with them. Thereafter, when we are about to alight I saw you waiting for me at one of the seats. The moment I saw you, I felt very weird and didn’t know what to say to you. I just gave you a smile and walked away.

You saw me walked away did not chase up to me, and stared in the blank for while. I was quite disappointed with what you have done but this was I expected. Suddenly, I feel that someone is grabbing my hand and a force that pulled my back. I turn my head and saw that it was you who stopped me. I stopped and you pulled me over into your arms and hugged me very tightly. I was confused and didn’t know what to do, to push you away or to hug you back. I was totally lost and my hand was hanging and hesitating to return your hug.

You looked at me and I saw tears in your eyes, and you apologized to me that how much you have hurt me. Hope that we can start a fresh once again and promised me that you will not hurt me again. I seriously dunno whether to carry on with this relationship or not. I woke up suddenly, and not knowing what is the outcome of this relationship. Well, perhaps this is all fated that even in dreams I can’t even see a happy ending. Or even worst, not knowing anything about it. It is just bringing me nowhere and has no clues about.

I NEED BEAUTY SLEEP

Weather being very good recently and the best thing to do are to stay home and sleep. And it has been raining so often recently till I’m almost freezing in the office. My colleague dun really feels that cold but I’m always complaint that I’m cold. Perhaps is my weak body that is still recovering and having a running nose too.

Dunno what’s wrong with me today but I just feel very tired, it might be due to the fact that I slept around 3 plus to finish up some stuff. And waking up half dead and dragging my body to work. I so much wanted to go home and rest after work, but was pulled by my colleague to go pasamalam with her. Didn’t wanna reject her so followed her and walked around like a zombie. We went around and my reply to her was only one word answer and really no mood to do anything. All I wanna to do is to go home and SLEEP.

I’ll keep it very short because I’m really tired and need to have BEAUTY sleep now !!!

Tired Monday

It’s the start of another week, and my weekend seems so short. Well, today work was super working at the email server was down and a lot of us can’t do anything until 2 plus when the email was up and running. So in the mean time, I chatted with my colleague and gossip about people here and there.

Finally, it was time to go home and shit I got a call at weird hours. And the thing is the stupid member is very long winded and didn’t wanna put down call. He might be home or on his way home but he didn’t realize that people need to go home too. As our call centre is not 24 hrs serving people.

After work, went to meet Joan and listen to her and see what type of plan she gotta offer. She went on to become a financial planner and the first thing was of cause attacking friends. It was quite a long one and my attention spends its very limited and nearly falls asleep while she presented to me. My mind was wondering off and looking at people most of the time. This is very bad of me to do that.

It was around 12 plus before she ended everything and took a cab home. Feeling so tired and dun feel like doing anything. But, I make the conscience effort to write an email to you daily even though at the end of the day you might not be able to read it. Oh well, what is meant to be it will be.

OT on Sunday Morning

Before I woke up it was raining cats and dogs outside and it really drags me to wake up so early to go to work. Was suppose to go to work at 8 as promised by my colleague but I over slept and SMS her that I’ll be late and will only reach at 9. Meanwhile wait for the rain to subside before heading to work. And the rain indeed stops before I wanna go out of the house. How amazing Singapore weather can be like, one moment rain one moment shine. It is really very unpredictable just like me.

Today OT was fun cos I can earn money and past time on a Sunday morning since I got nothing to do at home. During work, I can concentrate more and are more productive when I dun have to answer phone calls every now and then. While working, as usual was talking to my colleague Jean and multi task at the same time. Amazingly, my multi task skill is as good as before as we were talking at the same time and I did more emails then here.

Me and Jean (My Gossiping Khaki During Work)

We have a fun time and its was so relaxing cause no need to see those people I dun like and work under people’s command own time own target. Jean wanted to left at 1 I wanted to stay but then after she left already I will be bored too so leave together with her. Went to meet a friend of mine to pass him something. Then while waiting for him to arrive as he was driving. I saw many couples hoping on to their bf cars or wife going on to husband car.

I was thinking when will be my turn to have my bf coming over and fetch me? And it will be so sweet that when I open the door and he give me a peck on my cheeks or lips. This is the image that keeps running through my mind while I was waiting for my friend. Guess that in my life I have a lot of fantasy but I never seem to have this kind of fantasy done. Well, its only fantasy after all we are living in reality.

Follow my friend to his office at Singapore Post as he need to collect something there. When there and when into his boss room and it was facing the MRT station, and from that angle I can actually see CBD area. Then I lead me back to the time we had over at Comat. Think I still have gotten over it yet because I will think of it every now and then. It need time to heal a wound, just depend how badly one have been hurt.

He offered to send me home and after reaching home bath and bed here I come. I was so tired and didn’t wanna do anything thing else. When I woke up, I thought that today was a Saturday instead of Sunday and still have to go to work tomorrow. Oh my, time passes so fast and like never really enjoys my weekend. Well, I dun think I have enjoy any weekend since we parted from each other way back then.

Woooo, have to work tomorrow so have to rest now and will have to end it here. Praying for a better day tomorrow

~~~~~明天会更好~~~~

Misty Saturday

Finally, dun have to work on this particular Saturday can stay home and sleep and really have a good rest. Slept till 11 plus and wake up feeling very stone thou, but I went on to edit my photo that I took last night. And went on to create my blog and edit here and there and it really very time consuming.

As you have things to do, time really passes very fast. And little did you know it was time for something else already. After creating my personal blog, I downloaded some songs, it is another time wasting thing to do. Well, since I’m free and have plenty time to waste so I used this time to download sounds. My eyes are tired after long starred at the monitor screen.

I went back to dreamland to sleep again. Today weather is so prefect just to laze around at home and sleep and do nothing. And hehe, the best is actually able to make love the whole day in this kind of good and cooling weather. Well, I’ll never have this kind of fantasy fulfilled.

Well, nothing much have happened today expected I need more rest and more beauty sleep in order for me to recover faster. I know you will be out enjoying your night, I will have to wish you enjoy your night secretly in my heart. Not be able to tell you face to face or in any context, I love you darling.

一路上有你

Happen to listen to this song sang by Jacky, and i find it very meaningful and i wanna dedicate this wonderful song to you.....

你知道吗

爱你并不容易

还需要很多勇气

是天意吧

好多话说不出去

就是怕你负担不起

你相信吗

这一生遇见你

是上辈子我欠你的

是天意吧

让我爱上你

才又让你离我而去

也许轮回里早已注定

今生就该我还给你

一颗心在风雨里

飘来飘去都是为你

一路上有你

苦一点也愿意

就算是为了分离与我相遇

一路上有你

痛一点也愿意

就算这辈子注定要和你分离

Company Function At B Box

Body still feeling weak but I still have to pull myself to work. I dun wanna go on MC because I think I still can tahan. As my body immune system is had weaken therefore I feel super duper cold when I’m in office today. The office temperature is like 10°C to me I have to wear 2 thick sweaters to make me warm. My colleague was saying am I mad or what, wrap myself up until like that. The only answer I have for them is I’m very very cold. They were all laughing and keep asking me to medication to control my condition.

After work, company has a function over at SAFRA Toa Payoh I wanted not to go in the first place because I’m really not feeling well. But after work, one by one keep asking me to and join the fun. So I was somehow being drag there but I didn’t regret it because I was having so much fun there. Though I’m not in a very good state but I was enjoying myself. They are having a Karaoke session and was having a competition, before they start the competition I sang a few songs with my colleagues and I chosen “Tong Hua”

Tong Hua MTV

The competition started and everyone started singing and having fun so I went around taking pictures. So I let my creativity run and strike a lot of stupid pose and ask one of my colleague to be my photographer. He says that I’m mad to do all the stupid thing but I told him that it was fun. I showed the pictures that I have taken to them and some of them commented that I’m photogenic. And one of them says that I know how to pose well, why dun I become a model. I replied I wanted to but I dun have the height.

Taken with S.H.E (Next Superstar to be)

Wasn't drinking but action action only (Isn't is cute?!?!)

The tub use for voting but i use posing (kekeke)

The background name is edited with PHOTOSHOP
"My Name is Cecilia"

Well, the competition ended and all headed home, I didn’t wanted to stay because I’m a little tired. And the rest who stayed are drinking, but I dun like to drink so I make a move first. I never touch any beer at all but I very high. Though I was having fun and enjoying myself, but I keep looking at my HP and waiting for SMS to come in. but throughout the night it was so quiet. Guess you are having your fun too cause its Friday night and you never put me across your mind as I’m not your top priority anymore. Well, this is like a one way ticket my missing for you is only one way.

"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU"

Feverish Body

Feeling a bit feverish but my mind is still clear, so when to bath and get ready to work in a half asleep mode. Come out from shower and wanted to iron my clothes. I switch on the iron and waiting for it to be hot before I iron it, but who knows I’m still in a sleepy mood I put the iron facing down. The moment I put it down on my skirt, OMG smoke started coming out and my skirt lining started to melt and finally the out come is a hole at my lining.

The lucky thing is that I iron my lining first before the front, else I have stop wearing that skirt. My favourite skirt has a hole in it, oh my but what to do it still can be wore without anyone knowing that there is a hole. When I wear it, I’ll feel a little uncomfortable because of that hole.

Went to work still sick wanted to take MC but I didn’t because I just fake one on Tuesday. Cannot take to often else I’ll be marked. So have to tahan through my 8.5 hrs of work under the super duper cool office. Finally, its 1830 hrs and I logout from my system and home I go.

After reaching home, my body temperature seems to be increasing and feeling more and more terrible. And I constantly feel very thirsty and keep drinking water and visit the toilet very often also. Still thinking whether I can go to work tomorrow or not. But it’s the last day of the week, should be ok. So I’ll tahan for any other day and its weekend, and I can really rest well at home.

Guess that the cold relief for panadol doesn’t help at all. Have a regular intake of the medicine 3 times a day but I’m still feeling as bad. Guess that I lack of sleep and really need a good rest. I was thinking that what I am as compared to you. You spend so much time in the office and dedicated all your attention to work. Stay up in the office till so late and have to reach so early the next day. You are really a workaholic my dear. Why izzit me that have to go through this stage with you.

Meet Shekeen online, and we chatted for quite sometime. We talk about who the people are left in comat and the good time and bad time we had there. The up and downs I have in comat. The life in comat before and after you came. Our most love lunch time together with Keith, we will laugh and gossip about people in comat. The MSN chat and you walked past the front door to smoke and will sure take a peep at me and a lot a lot more.There are suddenly so much fond memories running across my sick not thinking well mind. But all this memories seems to be yesterday story, still so fresh on my mind.

But well, memories can only be memories sooner or later it will fade off and it will no longer be there anymore. Live still have to go on and we can always live in the past, my bright future is still waiting for me. I guess the missing for you have gone way beyond words.

I wanna tell you that I MISS YOU A LOT A LOT!!!

Unexpected SMS

My alarm didn’t wake me up at 8 am, and I slept through until I got a SMS that woke me up at 8.30. Still in a very sleepy mode and look at the time, I jumped out of my bed and washed up and get everything ready. What a rushed morning, I didn’t even have chance to go and do my morning business.

Suddenly I have one message received. I find it strange that no one will SMS me at such early hours expect for you which is many months back. And I really didn’t expect it was from you. The moment I read your SMS the content I knew exactly you need a favor from me.

"Morning, are you online or at work? I need to ask you some stuff"

Sent:
09:01:45
13-07-2005

Sender:
Patrick Wong
+659XXXXXXX

Well, I very much wanted to help you to obtain all the database but it will be very tough on my side to get hold of all the information. Because those information dun come in a spreadsheet format. Therefore, I have to extract each and every information into a spreadsheet for you. I dun mind doing the job for you but I’ll need time to do it and its very time consuming. Hope you can understand that but whatever it is I’ll have no chance to explain to you. So I have to keep it to myself and this little dairy of mine. You didn’t say much in the SMS other then asking me to help you but I’m contented enough. I have the urge to call you darling again but I didn’t because I dun wanna make the situation awkward.

After work when home feeling very tired and body was slight hot also. Went online as usual and do the same on thing. Saw Marini and chatted with her, told her everything and tears started to row down my cheeks. But I tried to hold back and not to cry as mama was just seated next to me. have a long chat with her and wanted to tell her something but I dunno how to translate in English but it can only be express through Chinese words.

~~~ 我是真的为你哭了~~~

4D Opening

My colleague went around asking whether anyone wanna buy 4D, she even have the 4D paper ready like those typical bookie going around collecting debts. For the past weeks, I wanted to by our birth year. But I keep dragging and too lazy to go and queue up. The thing is that my colleague wants be the money giver but i dunno how to grab it.

Later in the night, when home and my mama wanna check 4D. Looking through the opening and look for familiar number. Though it was a consolation prize but it spotted my attention 7683. it was our birth year. Its like almost a year and this number finally appear. Oh well, we are no longer together so it wun make any difference now.

4D opeing on 13 July 2005, Wednesday

A Trip To Changi Airport

Woke and was ready for work but then my body didn’t listen to my mind and went back to bed again. So I called back and reported sick and was on MC, a self proclaimed off day. went back to sleep and woke up around 12 plus and get ready to polyclinic to see a doctor.

Wah, it was ages that I last been there to queue up and it will take donkey years for your turn to come. And then, you sit in there with the doctor for less then 5 mins and you have to leave the room already. Oh well, what to do want something cheap this is the nonsense you have to bare with. After 1 hour, I’m able to finish everything so it’s not as bad as what I think it is.

Going to Changi Airport

Here Come the train

Here we are at Changi Airport

Don’t have the intention to go home, so I headed to the airport to see airplanes. Since young, airport has always been my favorite to go to. Every time when I go airport, I’ll have the urge to buy one air ticket and fly off to somewhere that first come across my mind. But this is the thing that I have yet to done and no money to do it for the time being.

Walk around aimless and the airport T2 is still doing so upgrading to serve those passenger better and still hope it maintain the best airport which was currently take over by HKG airport. Having to walk around T2, I saw a lot of SQ cabin crew departing and arriving. Then I makes me have the stronger urge to be one cabin crew. I swear that I will definitely make my way to STC and finally be a cabin crew and fly around the world.

While I’m at the airport, I have the sudden feeling to ring you up and just wanna hear your voice. But I didn’t cause I know that you will be busy and you wun have the spare time to entertain me. so not to disappoint myself, I didn’t call and I miss you quietly in my heart. I went on to step on the luggage weighting machine. And to my surprise I slim down again from the last time I weight myself. 2 more kg to go before I meet my idea weight of 48kg and by then my figure will be just nice already.

On my way home, it started to pour heavily and I images started to flash my on mind again. I didn’t really think much about us but I images of me going to the airport with my SQ uniform and the hangbag as well as my luggage. The image was so nice and I’m very confident that I’m able to fulfill my dreams one day.

.....I'M GOING TO FULFILL MY DREAMS SOON.....GIVE ME ALL YOUR SUPPORT.....

......SIA HERE I COME.....

人的一生会遇上的四个人

人生就是为了找寻爱的过程，每个人的人生都要找到四个人。

第一个是自己,

第二个是你最爱的人，

第三个是最爱你的人，

第四个是共度一生的人.

首先会遇到你最爱的人，然後体会到爱的感觉；

因为了解被爱的感觉，所以才能发现最爱你的人；

当你经历过爱人与被爱，学会了爱，才会知道什么是你需要的，

也才会找到最适合你，能够相处一辈子的人。

但很悲哀的，在现实生活中，这三个人通常不是同一个人；

你最爱的，往往没有选择你；

最爱你的，往往不是你最爱的；

而最长久的，偏偏不是你最爱也不是最爱你的，

只是在最适合的时间出现的那个人。

你，会是别人生命中的第几个人呢？

没有人是故意要变心的，他爱你的时候是真的爱你，

可是他不爱你的时候也是真的不爱你了，

他爱你的时候没有办法假装不爱你；

同样的，他不爱你的时候也没有办法假装爱你 。

当一个人不爱你要离开你，

你要问自己还爱不爱他，

如果你也不爱他了，千万别为了可怜的自尊而不肯离开；

如果你还爱他，你应该会希望他过得幸福快乐，

希望他跟真正爱的人在一起，绝不会阻止，

你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已经不爱他了，

而如果你不爱他，你又有什么资格指责他变心呢？

爱不是占有, 你喜欢月亮，不可能把月亮拿下来放在脸盆里，

但月亮的光芒仍可照进你的房间。

换句话说，你爱一个人，也可以用另一种方式拥有，

让爱人成为生命里的永恒回忆，

如果你真爱一个人，就要爱他原来的样子─爱他的好，也爱他的坏：

爱他的优点，也爱他的缺点，

绝不能因为爱他，就希望他变成自己所希望的样子，

万一变不成就不爱他了。

真正爱一个人是无法说出原因的，

你只知道无论何时何地、心情好坏，你都希望这个人陪著你；

真正的感情是两人能在最艰苦中相守，也就是没有丝毫要求。

毕竟，感情必须付出，而不是只想获得；

分开是一种必然的考验，

如果你们感情不够稳固，只好认输，

真爱是不会变成怨恨的。

两人在谈情说爱的时候，

最喜欢叫对方发誓，许下承诺我们为什么要对方发誓，

就是因为我们不相信对方，我们根本不相信情人，

而这些山盟海誓又很不切实际：

海枯石烂、地老天荒，都不能改变我对你的爱!

明知道海不会枯、石不会烂、地不会老、天不会荒；

许下诺言的时候千万注意，不要许下可以实现的诺言，

最好是承诺做不到的事，

反正做不到的，随便说说也不要紧，

请记住：”不可能实现的诺言最动人”

在爱情里，说的是一套，做的是另一套；

讲的人不相信，听的人也不相信。

你呢？找到了第几个？

茫茫人海中，你遇见了谁？谁又遇见了你？

Bloody Monday

Oh, Monday blue and almost cant wake up for work. Guess it was yesterday night that I slept around 2 plus. It have been quite sometime that I last slept for so late. But force myself to wakie and wash up and here I go for my worked.

During work, I was thinking that overall this is not a bad job to be in but can’t stay for long. It thought me how to handle people better and how to control the caller instead of them taking over the call. About to tell deal with different and demanding member better. This is a job to train interpersonal and talking skills. And I think I’m getting the hand of it.

Well, as today was Monday the call volume should be high but to my surprise it was still pretty already. So I started singing all those very sad sad love songs. And my colleague says whats when wrong into me and I told them that I fall out of love already. Indeed I’m really very sad and need time to get over it.

Got a very strong feeling that my mens will be here today and I was right. As I know that my cramp will start shortly, I went and took 2 panadol. But panadol didn’t help much and I was in pain but I bare with it. Thereafter, the office became colder and colder and it makes me feel worst. I wanted to go home but it was like 1 ½ hrs more before I can knock off. So I went and take 2 more panadols. This pain is slowly killing me, its not easy being a woman. And man will never understand it and often hurt woman. Why woman life is so miserable.

Reached home, bath and watch the very popular Koran drama serial “Da Chang Jing” it’s a very intereting show. Korean is really a very nice place to go to. I wanna save up and travel around the world. But what I wanna do most is to actually travel together with my love one. I guess that I’m not able to do that. Anyway it doesn’t matter, I’ll wait or better travel alone and probably able to find my soul mate at some part of the world.

Lazy Suday

Today email gonna be a short short one cause nothing much to write about too. As I have to work tomorrow so today will be a lazy Sunday for me. Went online in the morning and saw an ex-colleague of mine. He was asking how have I been and stuff like this, suddenly he told me that I’m very hard to understand.

I told him that is it because one moment he can see my smiling and laughing, suddenly the next moment I will go very quiet and dun wanna talk. He totally agrees with me and I say that this is my personality and it’s hard for me to understand myself too. Understanding a person takes time, like falling in love. You need time to know that person, to fall for that person then to understand him/her and finally being together. Unless the both parties have telepathy power knows what each other is thinking.

Weather is very good and took a short nap before sleep, was talking to my sis and she was asking what when wrong with my relationship. I didn’t reply to her and pretend that I have fallen asleep but deep down I was very sad and didn’t wanna talk about it. So know that I’m sad so she never went further.

At night, as usual I cant fall into sleep. It might be due to the nap I took or the same on thing happen. So I took my hp and read through all the SMS that you sent me back then. I was so sweet of you and the happy memories came back. So I SMS you and told you how much I miss you. As expected, I know you wun reply and I was right about it. So tried very hard to force myself to sleep but it was hard.

Okie, I shall end here cause nothing much have happen today……..

Bus Ride 168

Time really passes fast boy, today is marks the 2 months that we have last seen each other. And I didn't realize it until I flip my calendar to check on same dates and realize that we last see each other was on 8 May 2005. Since then, I never see you or feel you since then. I wanted to meet up but you are always so busy with work and rejected my time after time after time. Until I decided to initiate the meeting up and waiting for you but you never do that.

Yesterday night, I dreamt about us. We met up and go panic again, and the weather was so nice and we really enjoy ourselves. But suddenly, your mood changes and I was laying on you but you stood up and you push me away. I ask what happen, you didn't anything and just walked off. I went up to you and wanted to know the reason but eventually I didn't able to know whats the reason because I woke up suddenly. Feeling very sad to have this dream, without knowing what is the reason behind.

Well, a dream is just a dream and dun dwell too much on it. Gotta get ready to work and today is a super duper boring shift which starts from 10.30 - 7.30 where I suppose to have a day off. But it doesn't matter any more cause weekends and weekdays to me just make no different. Day in day out doing the same old thing over and over again. Dunno why during work, I just have the urge to sms you or called you but I just wished to do that. As I remember clearly what happen between you and Karen. It's supposed to be a cool of period and if I keep sending you sms like I miss you and I cant live without you. I know you definitely get very irritated by it. So I decided not to sms you anymore and keep this missing all to myself and within this email that no one will know about it.

Talking about Karen, I think what she say was right and I think this is called Karma. She told me at that time that because of me you wanna a divorce with her, which in fact you stress to me that I'm not the main course of everything. And it could be due to the same reason that because of a gal that you wanted to put the relationship to a stop with me. I was thinking that I might me my retribution and I'm suffering from the cause now. But what to do this is my faith and I have to live with it.

After work, having nowhere to go as I dun wanna go out to see couples around. This will makes me feel even sadder, so everyday my routine is work, home, work and try to cut myself off from social life. When I was about to go home, dunno what went wrong into me. I walk to the bus stop where 168 stops and when 168 came and I just hope onto the bus, I dunno why am I doing all this too. As it was a long ride of ~45 mins but through the bus ride there was a lot of flash back of the time we had together. Finally I alighted at the bus stop, it was a walked from the bus stop to your block. So I slowly walked and was thinking that will I bumped into you or not and all sorts of nonsense. Eventually, I reached your void deck and lotter around and from one angel I'm able to see your room from afar. But I dun dare to look directly cause I'm afraid that you might look out and saw me. This may appear to be very dramatic but I really did that. I was holding on to my phone and very much wanted to give you a call and tell you that I'm waiting for you at your void deck.

But I didn't because I dun wanna to hear negative things from you. I was thinking that you must be either sleeping soundly or you have already gone out for the day. As today is a weekend I dun wanna spoil your day so I stood from afar to just to see your room I'm contented already. I headed straight home after that and it was a long and lonely ride home. I suddenly have the very lost kind of feeling, dunno where am I and where I'm heading too. I tried not to think of it diverted my attention somewhere else by looking at those scenery and flats around SLE/TPE.

Finally, I got home feeling so so tired after the long ride home. It wasn't really fulfilling but I'm just happy in a way or another. Dun worry, I'll not be so stupid to stalk you and do those nonsense stuff just to get your attention or to win you back. As I believe that what is meant to be yours it will be. I have flight for my happiness but failed to do that because in a relationship is not about oneself but two parties contributing to it. i'm not able to be the last woman in your life but I'm contented that I'm once your gf but the one who suffered the most during the time we are together. Probably I dun have the life to be pampered and by truly loved by someone.

Weekend

Not being able to sleep well for the night and keep waiting up for a few times, nearly cant wake up for work. But I told myself that no matter how tired I’m, I will still go and work as this is the professionalism that I have for work.

Works as per normal and nothing special or interesting happen during work because my job is boring. Nothing then the word boring and its not challenging at all. Day in day out doing the some old thing. Stay for another few months and that’s it. I cant help it but keep yawning during work. As my colleague ask me, yesterday was my day off I should look very fresh but why am I yawning. I immediately told them that I’m just mentally very tired and need a good rest and a break away from everything.

Nothing much to do after work, as I dun have to go dating anymore. And I will never have that kind of feeling of being loved in this whole life. I gave up in love and I’m sorry for those who love and wanna me to reciprocate. I’m afraid that I’m unable to love anyone now, I have been hurt very badly this life time. And never believe in love anymore.

There is once I happen to read this website and they say that you will never be able to married the person you loved most. And I find it very true cause due to some reason those people in love will break up, as nothing is prefect in this world even for relationship.

I watched this drama serial as per normal, this female lead happen to fall out of love and was alone at a jetty. Her best friend came by to console her, she told her friend that she was hurt before and she learn to be strong and wun shed a tear. But shortly after she finished her words, she started crying and pours out all her sorrow. The moment I saw that scene, my tears row down my cheek and I went to the toilet and cried out loud.

Perhaps, I still can’t get over it after so long. I’m not used to you being my side, we are not together for like donkey years but for few months only. Guess that our relationship is really not strong enough to withstand external factors. Sometimes, I have the feeling that we are unable to cross the 1 year mark and I’m so right about it. But whatever it is, as long as seeing you happy and have something in your career I’m happy for you.

Ok, shall write to here as I have to work tomorrow and need to force myself to sleep if not then I’ll have sleeping night again.

My Day Off

Luckily waking up in the morning without any hangover. But then, my body still feels very soft and I was damn hungry. Then first thing I do was to go and bath and clean myself up from yesterday mess. Took my clothes and wash it, I was disgusted by the stain on it. Clean the house cook for myself, feel like I’m the maid for the day.

After a long nice bath and some food, I felt so much better. As it was my day off, so I went online and check out for jobs. Seeing what is available in the job market and waiting for the right one and hop onto it. But eventually I’m still waiting for the right moment to fulfill my dream is to be able to fly. I’m very confident that this will come true just one day.

When I log on to the website and I saw your nick online. I hesitated and think whether I should pop you a message or not? I was thinking that even I pop you a message you might not even reply to me. Even if so, we dun have much topic to talk about too. The feeling is just weird and not right. So after long thoughts I decided not to pop you any message anymore. Suppose to be in the cool off stage I guess. However, I’m happy even to just see your nick there. Some times, I really wished I could have the power to be able to read people’s mind and know what is running on their mind.

Read an email from friendster to notify that my friend have updated her blog. She I went on to see her blog. When I read it I was like wow, really very envy of her. She is the one I’m talking about flying with SIA. She is only like 23 this year and she is holding a black and platinum card. And she did upload some photos in friendster when she is overseas, the places she went it was like so beautiful. I swear that I’ll be there one day too, it’s just a matter of time.

When to take as I was feeling a bit tired cause I wake up pretty early today. But the moment I lay down on my bed and close my eyes, images still to flash again. Be it the happy or the sad memories it is still very clear on my mind. I really miss you a lot and just wanna feel myself in your arms once again and give you a tight hug. But I guess all this will never happen again.

Tonight once again, it’s another sleepless night for me. Turning and tossing around my bed. I really feel like going to the doctor and ask for sleeping pills. This will at least let me have a good night sleep without having to think so much.

Ladies Night At Zouk

When to work as per normal, put on a smile and treat as though nothing had happened. But this is all superficial, what to do this is life. As usual, feeling the same way as what I had months back which is depression. Trying very hard to fall asleep but I just can’t close my eyes and rest my mind.

Feeling very hungry and hurried my colleague to go for lunch. Though lunch time is only 45 mins but this is normally the best time I had for myself during work. Happened to talk about relationship with my colleague. Her boyfriend is a Malaysia, and happen if they got married she will have to go over to Malaysia. Then I causal make a remark that I can be yr neighbour whereby I live at woodlands.

Then happen that she ask me when was my last relationship ended, I told her not long ago. And she replied to me that I still can look so happy. In fact, I wanted to tell her that I’m not. Deep down in me, I’m really hurt and sad and I have to end my day with tears. Can’t imagine how long this will last. As I told her that I wun feel bad because I do not let down my partner in any way as I still love him deeply, just that we are not fated to be together.

Looking forward to after work as I’m going to Zouk to celebrate my friend birthday. As I end work late at 7.30pm so I got everything ready and go directly from there. Met my sis first before heading down. When to Tiong Bahru plaza to have dinner first, then happen to see a flying friend of mine. After some conversation, I really envy her and how I wished I could be flying too. It may looks glamorous but it is not. Nevertheless, I do get to travel to places like Zurich, Cape Town, Dubai, Paris, London and blah blah blah.

Finally got there before 10pm, the crowd isn’t that much yet but people slowly coming in. my friends are a branch of monkey as they have so much lame joke to tell. I was laughing but my laugher is not genuine. We are all waiting for the one for one session to start at 11pm. This is where all the people starts flowing in and the party get started.

The minutes the clock strike 11 we started to go and get drinks. We got one jug of vodka lime, 12 shots and 4 bottles of E33. We started drinking, laughing and dancing and I drink too much till I can feel myself very high. The world is like spinning and I started to spin too. And the lighting makes me feel even worst. I got the urge to puke, so I walked cross legged to the toilet. As the toilet was in a long queue, I couldn’t support myself well and stood on the flood while waiting.

I knew that I’m going to puke, I have tissue on my hands ready. The next moment, everything came out. In total I puke 3 times in the toilet. And the toilet aunty had enough of me, gave me a plastic just in case I need to puke. I felt so bad for her as she has to clear up the mess I created. I can’t even pee well in the toilet and nearly wanted to sleep in there. My sis pull me out to the nearest bus stop and I sat there. I should be drunk but my mind was still clear. Images of us going to Zouk for the first time and the things we have done there are running across my mind.

I started crying again, lucky no one was around as I dun have my hp with me. my sis went back to ask one of the guy to look after me as it will be safer for me. In the meantime while I was alone, holding on to the plastic bag, I started to fill the bag with my lunch and dinner. I lead me to think the first time we went to drink and I puke too but this time round it was worst. I didn’t expect that I’ll be so sad and down. My guy friend came out and keeps me companied for a while.

Lucky I was with guys, if not then I’ll sure be taken advantage of because my whole body feels so jelly to reject them. I’m still not very stable but they pull me back to the dance floor again and they put me at a corner. I know that they wanted to have fun but I just spoil the fun. So I hold me while they are dancing and I can stand still and keep falling down. Oh my luckily there are a lot off people around to cover me.

Finally, around 3+ they wanted to go home and I was the first to agreed. We hail a cab and I try to stay awake in the cab and the moment I reached home I changed and went straight to bed. I know I’m naught but I really cannot take it anymore. I totally knock off and have a good sleep.

Saddness Day of 2005

This week I’m on a later shift, so I log on to the website and finally gotta see you online. Hesitate a while to pop you a message cos I dunno whether will you reply or not. But I decided to take the first move cause I dun wanna this thing to go on and on aimless.

And finally I pop u a message and say that we need to talk about our relationship. I dunno whether I did it right or wrong. And whether can I take the outcome or not. After some conversation, we finally get into the main topic. And I was right, you are the one who decided to stop everything and say we really need time to really think over what we wanna. I admit that I can’t take your answer at first.

I told myself not too be irrational and perhaps this may be the best way out for the both of us. I was very angry with you at that point of time, because I remember very clearly that you dun like to drag things. But this thing has been going on for 2 months. And if I dun ask you for an answer you will continue to not even pop me a message and slowly let my feeling subside for you.

The moment when I saw your friendster, our pictures is not that anymore and you remove the text from the person who you wanna meet, my heart shattered into pieces. But I should feel contented that at least you never change your status to single and delete off the testimonial that I have wrote for you.

I was on my way to work when you sms me, I actually cried when I replied to every of your sms. And even when I’m at work, my voice was very shaky and feel like taking half day leave and just go home but I hang on to it. I was hash with my words, because I thought I could just walk out of it bravely. But little did I know that I’m actually not that strong enough after all. During lunch time, I went to the toilet and cried.

This is a very bad monday for me since the 2005 starts to now. Perhaps it will not be as bad as what I think it is if I were to think on a brighter side. Guess that you wun feel as sad as I do, cause you have been hurt badly once. And this is jus nothing to you because you chose to op away from a while and decide whether to continue this relationship or not. All men are just very selfish creatures.

Guess I should stop loving man and start to hate them one by one. Finally its time to go home and I was still feeling very sad and down. Wanted to go to bed early but I just can’t fall into sleep. I toss and turn and walk around the house, went to surf the web and do whatever I can to fall asleep. But the moment I closed my eyes, images will start flashing across my mind. I can’t help it and I started crying silently under my blanket as I dun wanna wake my sis up. It was such a long night for me.

This could be part and parcel of life to hurt people and to get hurt by people. Why must I undergo this kind of misery? I never let anyone down in my life or in any relationship but why must I always be the victim to be hurt. Probably, I’m not strong enough or I’m just too kind to hurt others. What will happen in the future nobody can guarantee and be sure off. But I’m know for sure is that you work towards your future and make it the way you wanna it to be and not the other way round.

Maybe we are fated to meet this lifetime and not fated to be husband and wife. Perhaps, we have to wait for next life. Everything in life is pre-destinated, what is meant to be yours it will be. Its time to really think about what we wanna in this relationship, but I doubt that you will have the time to think about it. So I predict that this will not have an outcome to it. And eventually we will have to put a red light to it.

If we are really meant to be together, we will eventually meet at the cross road once again. And be able to be lover once again. But if this is not the case, I wun sincerely wish you all the best for your future undertaking and the next better gal who come along your life. As for me, I have decided not to love anymore cause the feeling of being hurt is so bad. I dun wanna be hard and dun wanna hurt others as well.

~~心如刀割~~