It Just Another Day of Waiting

It's another day, I woke up extra early just to check my mails and everything possible that you can reached me. But no new mails, no message no nothing from you. Haiz, guess that sometimes in life we should not expect too much. Cause the more we expect the more disappointment it will lead us to. Maybe we dun expected and dun wait for it will come when I least expect it huh?

Finally got my pay today and when I looked at the amount I was do happy. All my hard work get paid off at the end of the month. Decided to go for a shopping spree but gotta think carefully and plan where my money should go to. Well, doing OT again but today will be the finally day to do OT. And from tomorrow onwards will have to adjust by going home early.

I was thinking, perhaps thinking too much and this will never happened caused I know you will not going to do anything about it. I was thinking that you could have appeared at my void desk waiting for me to get home and explained everything to be. But then once again, this can only happen in my dreams and no where else.

Oh well, this another day still no new from you. are your deliberately trying to avoid me or have I really done something wrong that you didn’t even wanna speak to me anymore? Didn’t you say that if any thing I still can SMS but you always dun seems to reply to my SMS. Sometimes, it really makes me wonder are you still alive in the world or not. Your attitude to me is like you have vanished into the think air.

Never its ok, I will wait patiently for you to give me a reply. Well, it is just another day of missing for you.

你好相判了我死形式的，毫无给我身纯的余地。。。
就算被判死刑者， 他们还可以上诉。。。
但是你却没给我反驳的机会。。。
这是为何能？？

Love That Never Been Reciprocate

Today is finally the day that I'm going to send you the cross stitch that I have made for you. As past mid night I have sent you the powepoint slide that I have made specially for you. I'm so excited and was hoping that I have an reply from you but I waited for the whole day nothing had happen. Not a sms or phone call for you. I was very much saddened by it though but I have already expected this will be the outcome.

I was so prepared to get the things send to your place personally. After work, I left immediately to catch bus 168. The whole ride I was having mixed feeling. Was thinking about a lot of things. I didn't wanna think of that but it just keep flashing across my mind non stop. I finally reached the bus stop and took a very slow walked to your void deck. On my way, I was thinking whether should I drop the thing inside your mail box or have it delivery to your door step. I was scared that you are at home too. And if I called your place and you happened to pick up the call and we meet each other and the scene will be very embarrassed.

When I finally reached your void deck, I hesitated and dunno whether to call your place or not. I finally took up the courage and called your place. It was your mum that picked up the call. And I say that I have something to pass it you and will pop by your place in 5 mins times. I was at the familiar place once again and handled over the thing to your mum and I left. Suddenly I have the thought that Karen might still be staying at your place. And she will open up the thing along with the letter that I have written for you.

On my way home, I kept thinking of what will be your reaction will be like when you see the thing. Or maybe it wasn't you who will open up the thing. I waited throughout the night but still no new from you. Very much sadden by it and I dun wanna wait for longer as I know there wun be any reply so I went to sleep as I was not feeling that well too. When I suddenly wake up at around 5 plus. I saw that there is actually 5 MISSED CALL. The caller have been calling from 02:56:04 all the way too 03:00:11. I was wondering who will call me at this hour. The first person that comes across my mind is only Karen. But it could be you but I have no clues about it. As you chose to be the passive party and keep mum about the whole thing.

I really hope and wished that you can response to me and stop being so cold to me. I can't take the coldness that you are giving me. I know that you might be busy but at least give me a response. I told my colleague what happen and I actually did cry and she tries to console me. Seems like my missing for you have not subside at all....

My Lost Needle

Coming to month end soon, and time really passes fast when you are so occupied with things. And you are totally worn out and dun has the spare time to think about anything else even mentioning about making love. Thinking back it’s come close to like 4 months that we has last seen each other. Perhaps this day will never come only god will know what will happen next.

When I was home from work today, I realize that the tiny weeny little needle I have lost finally appear right in front of me. The moment it leads me to think that, what is yours will really be yours. And no matter where did your part and lose each other, it will eventually come back to you.

It all happen when I was still doing my cross stitich, and I had 2 needles. As the needle was given my colleague the tip of the needle is finer. Therefore, it’s easier for me to go through the holes in between. But I was too engrossed in my stitch that I have accidentally flipped the needle away. I tried looking around the area for it. I even sweep the floor for several times in hoping that I can sweep the tiny weeny little needle up.

I failed to do so, I’m a little disappointed and sad that I’m unable to find that needle. So I decided not to look for it anymore. And who knows, when I decided not to search it actually did appear right in font of me. This is funny isn’t it, guess ones life is so funny and have a lot of funny encounters too.

Busy Sunday

Finally it’s a day off for me, and I can use this time to really catch up my sleep and recharged my battery. Feel that this Sunday it’s very well spent as I used my time to watch as much episode of the Korean drama as possible as I need to return it to my colleague.

Besides watching the show, I am busy doing my power point presentation too. Felt a sense of satisfaction when I have it complete. But was thinking that, its quite big a file size and dunno how to send it over to you. Even though it just a power point presentation but I feel very happy when I have completed.

Nothing much have happened today, so it will be a very short one for the day.

Weekend Is So Busy

Yesterday was suppose to wake up at 12.30 am to watch my DVD but what I fool I am. I was too tired that I did actually fall asleep immediate when I lay on my bed. So I did forget that I was actually taking a nap. The next moment when my alarm ring, I thought it time to work up for work. I hurried myself up from the bed and wonder why the sky is so dark when I have to wake up to work. The next moment when I am more sober, I then realize that I was taking a nap. Stop my alarm snoozing and when back to sleep.

What a silly joke is that, when I told my colleague when I went to work today they were all laughing at me. Say that I’m too engross with work till I bring work to sleep. Guess that if I really find a job that I like, I will really be a workaholic. The only thing that I wanna do is to work and work and work. After working, you will just feel very tired and totally drain.

My friend is in town and wanted to meet up, but I have to see my 2 other friends whether can they make it or not. Cause it pretty last minute so it wasn’t really well planned yet. So was waiting for them to give me a reply but none of them did. So I treat it as it is not confirmed and I went home as I have tones of things to do but time is running out.
As deadline is drawing nearer, my things are not completed yet I’m a bit worried. But hope my effort will not go into the drain and you really know how to appreciate it.

Cant Get Up To Work

Suppose to wake up at 0630 to get ready for work as I did promised my colleague that they will see my face at 0800. I set my alarm at 0630 but I let it snooze till 0800 hours before I finally got up and get ready for work. Imagine how my hp suffered just to wake me up and the number of times it ringing. When I go to work I'm half awake only and kept saying the wrong thing while I was on the phone.

Oh my this is so tiring that have to work for almost 12 hours a day, now then I know how tired it can be and you totally have no time for anything else. I got a lot of things to do but just too little time to have them completed. No wonder some people will say 24 hours a day is not sufficient. For me now, I will say the same thing as well. Even better I dun have to sleep and can used that time to do something else.

Didn't do OT over work as I meet my mum to go somewhere temple. While I was at the temple, I wanted to concentrate but I'm just too tired and my eye lids are so so heaving. Will just fall asleep at any moment. I manage to tahan it through and during the way home and I just sleep in the bus. The moment I reached home, I managed to some something and wanted to take a nap first then after waking up I can do something else. But who know I sleep to day break. I'm so so so tired.

Need A Break

Suppose to go to work early to do OT but the stupid bus stop at practically every bus stop. Landed me didn’t reached office in time. So have to start work at the normal shift which is 0930 hrs. Throughout the day, I was feeling very tired and sleepy keep yawning. So during lunch, when to shop around and tried some clothing. Too bad my lunch hour is only 45mins so I do not have sufficient time to shop and consider what I wanna buy.

So after work, I SMS my sis and ask her to meet me at Tampines to give me comment on the things I wanna buy. Upon her arrival we when for dinner first and I wanted to tell her that if we happen to meet anyone please dun waste time talking to time. Gotta meet my agenda for the day. Who knows when I wanted to tell her that her friend call and say that he was somewhere near.

Landed they bumped into each other while talking on the phone, in the end we have to walk back to the food court to have desert. And the funny thing was, there is a guy beside us and I notice that his flipper wasn’t zip. Oh boy, his brother must be feeling cold. We didn’t dare to tell him about it. Until we are laughing and joking till he realize it. Can tell from his face that he was so embrassed. He went to the toilet for quite some time, hoping that we will leave by then.

After that, we headed to a German restaurant over at Upper East Cost Road. The food there was not too bad. Oh my, my sis friend is so knowledgeable and so well traveled. He told us a lot of things about his encounters while he was traveling. As he was with Value Air so he did tell us stories about his work and all their colleagues. After what he have told me, really makes me wanna fly more.

Feeling very tired, after washing up and finised doing my stuff I headed back to sleep and I even have the energy to think about anything else. Promised my colleague that I will definitely be at work at 8 am. But I doubt that I am able to do so.

Miss You Again

Its coming to an end of a week soon, and I have been home at 8 plus 9 everyday. Being busy working and dun have the extra time to think about something else. But I'm a gal overall, so at times at night I will feel lonely and really need someone's company. The butch called me and we had a long chat. She is a very nice person to talk to. Probably because we are all from gal school before and we are off the same horoscope and we can associate a lot of things.

We did talk about relationship, and she asked me am I still in contact with you. I say not at this point of time and she asked why? I was speechless, I dunno myself too. Perhaps, just like you I dun like rejection. When I SMS you a few times or called you for a few times if no response from you I wun flood your inbox or mail box. If you wanna call me back you will but apparently you never do that. So what can I do right?

Later she asked me, do I miss you. And I say of cause I do miss you a lot. But my missing for you can only be kept to myself. The best is my missing for you will not have a return. She did ask me to SMS you and tell you that I miss you. I tried but always fail to get a response from you, this makes me feel very dishearten and I do not want to bang myself against the wall anymore cause it really hurts. Sometimes, I do wonder are you really that busy? Till you cant even reply my SMS or call.

I told her about the wonderful time we did once shared and you will go all out for me but eventually this is the ending that you ask for. That is pretty sad huh, but what to do what are meant to be it will be. What is not yours it will not be. Cant get to sleep and there is nothing much I can do without a computer, I need to finished up a lot of things and my time is running out.

Old Memories Being Triggered

Having to going to work 30 mins earlier just to do OT, so hardworking and I do admire myself. But nothing much to do expect to answer call so it's pretty already. But normally at the end of the day will feel very drain and tired and no extra energy to do anything else. Now when I come to work, will feel that someone is looking at me and monitoring my actions.

It is the butch in my company that is interested in me. Where ever I go I'll find that someone is looking at me. Then today, she finally took the courage to email me and I was quite puzzled too. By the way she wrote those email just reminds me of what happen to us about 1 year back. When we had our happy times and how you wanna dated me, till we finally get together. All the images are just so fresh on my mind.

When I went lunch with my colleague, she just happen to ask about my love history with you. so I told her want happen and what we went through and finally get together. While we are dating, what are the things we have done. She commented that you are really such a sweet guy. Later she did ask me again, what exactly when wrong in our relationship. I seriously have not clue about it. Can you give me a reason to it.

Frankly, I really wanna know what exactly happen that causes the 2 of us to lead separate ways. Whatever it is, what are meant to be it will be. No point forcing cause it wun bring happiness too. Having to talk about you, I started to miss you badly again. The missing for you is still so bad. Imagine how deep I have fallen for you. anyway, you wun lack of gals telling you that they miss you and wanna meet you.

My Missing For You Is So Bad

22 August 2005, Monday – Cloudy

It’s the start of another week, time really passes fast boy man. This is my 6th month into this company, later then it will be a year. And soon enough I will be 25 then 26 and its time to get married and settle down with a family.

I always have the dream or wanted to get myself married off at the age of 25 – 26 but was wondering am I able to do so. But now that I’m 22 and I still have not fullfill my dreams yet and its like another 3 – 4 years time. Wonder what will be the life like when I really get married. Lead a brand new life together with my husband.

Have to think of him and not only myself already. As I grow older I really think that is not easy being a parents and having a family of our own. There is so many commitment and things to look after. Oh my, why am I thinking all about this? I still got a long way to go before settling down and have family.

During work, talked to a collueage of my through emails. Then the way she replied me its just reminds me of the time when were back at Comat. We communicate through emails where MSN was still not installed for you. When I was about to sleep, I was thinking of you so badly. I want have to urge to SMS you to tell you all this. But I guess even if I have done so, I will not get any reply from you.

It have been months that I have remove the ring from my finger. Thought I will get used to not having the ring there anymore. But recently, I just felt that the ring is still there on my middle finger. Sub consciously, I will tend to touch the ring and rotate it. but realising it that there was nothing there. Was it my sub conscience or was it really the ring that really bonds us together. I really dunno, perhaps only time can tell.

All I have to do is to wait for 30 August to come and will give it back to you all at one time.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS YOU EVERYDAY????

I Got A Cold, Ah Cheeeew

Having a company gathering at Wild Wild Wet today, looking at the weather dun think many of my colleagues will appear. I’m sure many of them will back up at the last minute and give excuse not to go. I wanted to back up but did promise them I will turn up and they will definitely see my face there.

Got my things ready the day before, so woke up on time and set off for the day. Thought the rain has subsided and sun will raise high up. But who knows it has been raining on and off and it have dark clouds here and there. At times I’m wondering am I playing with the water or rain. The place isn’t a fantastic place to be at, it is cater more to the kids and the activity there is also very limited.

Will get bored when you finished playing all the stuff, fantasy island is better and more fun as compared to the Wild Wild Wet. But too bad fantasy island is no longer around. Having to play all the things in there. Me and one of my colleague landed up talking at one of the pool, later I caught a cold. Because it have been drizzling and the wind was blowing. And we are soaked in the pool and the water is not warm. The moment we step out of the pool, I was freezing. My teeth were having a battle with each other, and we took our things and went to bath straight away. Lucky I took my sweater along to keep myself warm.

But it was too late, on my way home I kept sneezing non stop. The feeling was so terrible, but still manages to take it but was still feeling cold. Having to be in the water for so long, I’m very tired and went to have a nap. As my desktop have breakdown with gods know the reason, everyone of us was like snatching to use the poor little laptop of my bros.

My sister say that she will let me used as she need to do her work. So the moment she passes it to me, I went back from the toilet she started to use again. I was like ok, since you wanna use then continue using. After a short while, she passed it back to me I was very irritated already because she will come and check her stuff once in a while. Finally, she walked away and do her stuff. There comes my bro, he purpose comeby and have his hand lay on the laptop. I was really angry by then, and I say I dun wanna used already and everyone just walked away from the laptop. Asshole, you know how angry I was or not.

I always been so kind to them that I let them used the comp as and when they like. Then when I wanna used it, I only can used it at late hours where all of them have when to bed and finished their things. They are selfish people, I also need to work and wake up early the next time.

I AM SO ANGRY!!!

Cant Wake Up For Work

My alarm rang from 0730 hours all the way to 0900 hours before I finally get out of my bed and go to work. My original shift for today is suppose to be from 1100 - 2000 hours. But I wanted to do OT so I go to office at 1000 hours. Oh my, I'm so tired and really dun feel like waking up and go to work. But I dun have a chose though, as I have made a bet with my colleague that I will definitely appear at work and I wun be late. To my surprise they are all more hardworking then I do, they reached earlier on their off day. Wow, we are really a salve of money.

Day went by and it was so boring, everyone started reading papers that one of my colleagues bought. Her newspaper was really worth her 80 cents. The papers was read by so many peoples and being past around. Time really passes so slowly today and when after 1800 hours left with only few peoples around. So bored, nobody to talk to me and we cannot surf net here. This is the worst thing ever. But doesn't matter time passes quite fast as I was gossiping with my colleague.

During lunch, we were talking about her fling? The other half? Partner? Dunno whats the relationship between the 2 of them. Just say that they are seeing each other, have feeling for each other but no commitments. Then, she told me that how sweet the guy was to her and they will start their day by SMS each other morning and end a good night SMS to end their day. It just reminds me how sweet we were back then. We will SMS each other in the morning and end our days with phone chat. But slowly and gradually it call come to a stop. I told her that how sweet you were when you will give me a love seed every time you see me and even give me a container and say that you want to give me until you fill up the container but this promise will not come true.

She then suddenly ask me, why my relationship suddenly come to an end. I was caught, and I didn't know how to reply to her. As I really dunno what exactly happy between the both of us and you called off the relationship. And she added, do I still have feeling for you. I told her that I have no clues for that. I seriously dunno how to answer to her. As I explained to her that, i might told myself that the feeling have faded when I'm really busy and tired and very occupied because I dun have the spare time to think about anything else. But on the other hand, when I looked at the photos we took, the things we have done together the feeling will come back. And the good memories will just linger on my mind for a very time. I'm confused myself and I did not answer her question directly. Cause I dun have an answer to it. For the good times or the bad times, life still have to go on.

Oh my today is a very tired day, and having a terrible headache now....need to have some sleep.

Drain and Tired

Suppose to be my day off, but didn't wanted to stay home. And nothing much for me to do at home too so woke up and went to work as per normal. Dunno why, my mood wasn't right today. And I get irritated very easily and feel like scolding those people who ask me stupid question. At one point of the day, I just feel like packing my things and go home and sleep.

I'm feeling very physically and mentally tired after days of working for so long. Some times, I wonder why am I working so hard. Izzit because I really need money or I just need this time to numb myself and try no to think of the past sad things. I really dunno myself and hope that I can have an answer to it. after work, reached home I'm really exhausted and drain. I went to bath without bring my brain in, I used the body foam as the shampoo to wash my hair. Later then I realize that I used the wrong thing. I washed it off. Oh my, what a silly thing I have done.
Before my hair was dry, I went to bed already because my eye lids are so heavy and I cant even think well. Guess that I’m have been lacking sleep till my memories is feeling me.

Today will be a short one, I need to sleep a long long sleep.

My Health Screening

My company have arrange a health screening conducted by NKF. Well, the TL here is a bit the in flexible so we have to go during our pathetic 45 mins lunch break. But not too worry we have more then sufficient time for the screening. I'm so excited about it and was looking forward to it and we are talking about it too. 2 hours before the screening we are not suppose to eat anything only plain water is allowed.

We will be check on the following

1. Blood Cholesterol Test
2. Blood Glucose Test
3. Urinalysis
4. Blood Pressure Measurement
5. Waist-Hip Ratio Measurement Body Mass Index
6. Body Fat Composition Analysis

We have to go and pee and collect our own urine, I went together with Jean and told her that its better to be a guy at this point of time. Cause we can just pee directly into the container that was given to us. The urine that I pee out was warm just like the home make fresh brew Tea. We went back to the mobile bus fill up a damn long form and have everything check on that little cramp bus. Got everything tested and this are the result for my screening.

1. Blood Cholesterol -- 177 mg/dl
2. Blood Glucose Test -- 84 mg/dl
3. Urinalysis -- PH 6
4. Blood Pressure Measurement - 113/71
5. Waist-Hip Ratio Measurement -- 0.74, Wasit: 66 cm, Hip 89 cm (my figure still not bad)
6. Body Mass Index -- 20.8
7. Body Fat Composition Analysis - 23.8%

Counselling - I'm healthy and need to eat healthily and exercise regularly.

I went in less then 5 mins and haven warmed the seat yet I was ask to leave already. Because everything was just so normal and fine. I starred at that person for a while before I left. All I need to do is maintain and keep fit. Oh my, must start to do some exercise to slim down a little.

We were all talking about the screening thing and I guess I’m the only normal person that. The rest was like this one too high, that one too high. Maybe I’m very health and image consciences, so I’m on all guard to look good and stay good. Health is more important as compare to anything else.

HEALTH = MONEY
MONEY ‡ HEALTH

What Will Meant To Be It Will Be

Looking back at the calendar, little did I realise that I had been in my current company for half a year. Oh man, how times flies and little did I know it will be 1 year and dunno whether I can stay on for so long or not? Nobody will have an exact answer to it, maybe I will stay on, maybe I will leave and even best I will start flying.

My future is so clueless and I have to path is out slowly and carefully to see what is really good and bad for me. Thinking about how time flies also makes me think that how long have we parted and how coldly have you been treating me for the past month. As I looked back at the SMS that you sent me, no matter what happen I can always SMS you. But I think that is bullshit ya? Cause no matter what I do to you, eventually at the end of the date I will not get an reply from you. So whats the point right? So must as well I solved my own problems rather then seeking help from others.

I dunno why are you doing all this to me, giving me such cold treatment and did even wanna reply me. Since this is the case then I shall let it be, perhaps you have an answer to what you really wanna already. Forcing you will not bring happiness to any of the parties. Just let it be then.

I Wanna Study Mass Comm

Stomach still feel a little bloated but not feeling so bad, so when to work as normal. I think sometimes its all up to one’s mind to decide what he is feeling or doing. If he keeps thinking that he is sick he will be sick. Work went on as per normal, nothing much had happen though, so nothing much for me to write too.

As I was writing the letter to you, I was thinking whether to include the email address that I send to you or the blog that I have written. It keeps running through my mind and still haven decide whether or not. Doest it really matters? Cause eventually at the end of the day you will even cared about it. no matter how much effort I put in to salvage this relationship. One will get hurt and tired when he keeps knocking on the door but no one open it up for him. There is always expectation but normally it will leads to disappointment.

I have the thought of going back to school and study. I wanna to do Mass Comm but thinking is it better to do Diploma first or go directly to Degree. But even if so, I dun have the money to go for either one. I’m saving up hard for the course fees but how long will it take before I can save that money. Haiz, why everything has to be related to money. Going into event coordinating or Public Relations is also my another alternative in life. Though it will be very busy but time will be very fruitful cause I will learn a lot.

It doesn’t matter to me now, cause time can be better used in somewhere else then dating. Whether or not one can get married off this life time is also fated. I will leave it all to fate but sometimes, something I have to strike hard for. Just like my future and my career. Relationship is just secondary, but by then if really nobody wants me just married off to any guy that comes along my life. Worst come to worst, be left on the shelf and be expired goods.

My Bloated Stomach

Since yesterday night, wasn’t feeling that right and stomach was aching but not that serious though. But this morning, the condition seems to worsen but I still manage to take the pain. While I was bathing, I realize that my stomach was very bloated. It cannot be possible that my tummy grow so big over night.

Throughout the whole morning, I keep letting gas out and have the urge to go toilet. I took poh chek yi to stop the diarrhea first. It work well at first but the medication wear off after few hours. I was really in pain and couldn’t concentrate during work, so I took half day off and went to see a doctor. I didn’t know what was exactly wrong with myself. Just told the doc that my stomach was very bloated. He did ask me a few questions to determine what is wrong with me. thereafter, ask me to lay down and pressed again my stomach and ask me do I feel any pain when he pressed on certain area.

After several press here and there, he say that I might have something dirty that causes diarrhea. And it cannot be gastric because the most upper part of my stomach dun feels the pain when he pressed on it. I was feeling so uncomfortable and really feel like taking medicine and have a good rest. After the treatment, I took medicine and fall to sleep like nobody business. The medicine didn’t cause drowsiness but I just feel very sleepy.

Alright, its time for me to go to bed already. Need more rest and its quite sad to see my stomach still feel so bloated. All 2 rounds of medications, my condition still dun seems to have any improvement. Have the nausea feeling but got nothing for me to vomit out, stood by the toilet bowl. Feel as though I have those hang over feel but this time round. It was worst then being drunk.

I need to have some rest now….

Expectation Leads To Disappointment

Oh my, today is a very tired day for me. Slept late last night and have to wake up early to attend the funeral. I only have less then 4 hours of sleep, whereby people is enjoying their Sunday sleeping till sun shinning on their butts. Got changed and ready to go out of the house. Was very tired and slept on the way there while waiting for you SMS. I know you wun wake up so early, so give myself excuses that maybe later in the day you will reply me but I was wrong totally wrong.

Reached the place, they are all out to set of to the new Mandai Crematorium. It wasn’t a far journey as Toa Poyah is a very centralize location to go anywhere. It was a very nice and big, the environment seems to be very peaceful. A good place to clear thoughts but very scared till it can become very scary. Right before the coffin was pushed in to be cremate, there was a monk who did chant and preach a little. As he says, in life when there is meeting there will be parting. And I totally agreed with it. when there is a start of a life, there will definitely be an end to it. this is like a life cycle.

It was a very fast process and everything was done within half an hour. We headed on to the bus and brought us back. We had our lunch at the nearby hawker center. As it was my mother side and we had quite a number of us, we have problems on the sittings. So we split ourselves out and ordered food separately. As we are parting, my eldest cousin say to me dunno when it will be the next time we will meet again. I joke to him that maybe it might be my cousin who is getting married. And he say why not me? I told me how to get married without having a boyfriend right?

I think I’m really confused, on one hand I feel like getting married but on the other hand I feared of marriage. The reason of me fearing for it is that I might not be able to be a good wife and do what a wife should do and eventually lead the marriage to a failure and divorce is the ending for both parties. It was 3 plus in the afternoon, and still not reply from you I was right once again.

For once I thought that I’m able to forget about you. But I think I still not be able to do so. The moment I say your SMS, I’m so happy and feel like giving you a call but I didn’t cause I know you wun pick up my call. Maybe you right when you love someone you may not exactly be with that someone. Seeing he/she happy and you will be happy too. But you will never know how much I miss you.

A Sleepless Night

It’s another Saturday and I’m home again. I have lost count on this is my how many Saturday staying at home the whole day apart from going to work. Feeling a bit the reluctant to go out also, cause when I’m out will tend to see couples and memories will start coming back. As I told myself will try not to think of it so much.

Mum called and asks us to go down to our grand uncle’s wake as today is the last night already. Didn’t wanna get my ass moving but no choice have to go down as the rest of my relative are there already. So got changed and headed down to Toa Payoh. When I’m there, I find that actually its not bad a location. Its very centralise and easy access to any part of Singapore. Maybe can have my future home situated at Toa Payoh. Furthermore, there are so many things in the central.

Took the feeder bus and reached the place, pay respect to him and when I take a look at him I found that he looked like my late grandmother. They got the same face structure and the features. After paying respect, sat at one concern and chat with my relative to do some catching up. Normally, we dun really have a chance to meet up without a year other then Chinese New Year. Then 2 other occasions will be either funeral or wedding. Wedding is very unlikely cause almost all are still single and available.

My handphone have been very quite and not so much of a message coming in since we broke up. Suddenly, I received a SMS I read the contend and was very surprised that it was you. And the contend of the SMS is as followed

“How have you been.?”

Sender:
Patrick Wong
+97979137

Sent:
21:53:22
13-08-2005

I was very surprised and happy that you did actually SMS me first. I hesitated and took awhile to think of what I wanna reply to you. I finally text and reply to your SMS and you never seems to reply me anymore. I thought it might be because you never received the SMS so I did sent twice. Another reason is that you reply but I never received. I will not know whats the reason for not having a reply. I did stay up the whole night just the wait for your reply.

But you eventually didn’t, I was thinking that you might have sent it to the wrong person. The intended recipient wasn’t me but someone else, who name is apparently before for after my name in your phonebook. i couldn’t get to sleep and toss and turn in the bed and was thinking that why didn’t you reply me?
Therefore, I sent you a SMS again around 4 plus and hoping to get an answer from you. But like I told myself, you will not reply me. You are just like that, you like it you will do it else you will give attitude and totally be ignorance about it. What to do, we are no longer together and you got better things to do. I finally got bed at around 5 plus and before I sleep this songs just come across my mind and it so much say about my feeling for some one is love.

When I Fall In Love

“Maybe I'm old fashioned feeling as I do
Maybe I'm just living in the past

But when I meet the right one, I know I'll be true

My first love will be my last

When I fall in love, it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is


Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give me heart, it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can fell that you fell that way too
Is when I fall in love with you"

The Moral of Tea Bag

Finally its Friday and a week down, and amazingly how times flies another 4 months is going to be X’mas and thereafter marks the end of 2005 and a start of a new year again. Oh my, I’m getting old each day and still have not make things big for myself yet. Not to worry, I strongly believe that 2006 will be a better year for me to fulfill my dreams. As SIA going to launch their very first A380 and I’m definitely going to start flying with SIA when they launch that aircraft.

During work, it was so boring cause the calls was so little. I suggested to my colleague that we work on Plan A to take half day MC and go and watch movies. But when we flap the papers the movies we wanted to watch is not yet. So Plan A was aborted and the other Plan B was take half day and go home and sleep. But it was aborted also cause the both of us cant disappear at the same time. But one of my colleague actually did that he is really “gan” man.

Never mind, neither A or B works but the luck thing is that I stay and hold on till 7 plus. Before I end work, I started talking nonsense to my colleague. As I was drinking tea to ease my indigestion from the hokkien mee I had for lunch. I feel like puking and makes me feel so uncomfortable right after lunch. So I make tea for myself to feel better, finished my tea and left with the tea bag. I have a bad habit of sucking the tea bag after I finished the drinks.

When I saw the tea bag, suddenly something strives me and I told my colleagues who are still in the office about how tea bag resembles like man’s balls. As the balls is very sensitive just like the tea bag, so when sucking it you can exert too much force. Cause the guy will feel the pain and the tea bag will actually burst when you suck too hard. Therefore, must master the skills of sucking it just right to make the guy feels good and sucking the rest of the tea out from the bag with having it burst. The is then we consider a good sucker. They all burst into laugher when I finished telling them.

We stay back for awhile to gossip and talk cock, we hardly will have the chance to sit down and talk because we all are on different shift each week. So the only time will be after work or on Saturday. We me around, there will definitely be gossip around. I make them stay and accompany me, therefore I must say something to entertain them. Being too close with them make it harder for me to leave the company. Moreover, it’s the feeling and the bond that we had created and build along the way. But have to think it on the other hand that people move one for the better and there will be better and greener grasses out there for me to explore.

Some times I wonder, why humans must have feelings and emotions. Why cant they live without it and especially love. Love is a big word that makes people love it and hate it at the same time. It doesn’t matter anymore cause no once can actually give me the definition of happiness. So I guess there is really no happiness in this world. One thing being that no one will be contented with what they presently have. Always seeking and wanting for MORE and MORE.

A New Day For ME

Another day to weekend and its no longer special or important to me anymore. I forget the feeling of going dating and I should start to forget about you too. And I’m trying hard and very sure that I’m able to do it soon. Thinking of you will just bring me more pain cause you simply dun care and why must I care so much.

Was having lunch with my colleagues who are all uncles which is older in age. One of them suggested that I should leave the current company because I’m still young and better prospect out there. I wanted to but not at the time being, meantime will still look out for jobs opportunities around. Suddenly, one of them suggested that he can actually introduce job for me if I want. Why not right, I told them I dun mind going into event coordinating or related field. As they say it will be a very busy job, I mean I’m not dating and no commitment. Nothing for me to worry about, I can go for the job moreover I can learn a lot from there to. It will be a good learning experience better then what I’m doing now.

Hopefully those old man dun give me empty promises cause I really hate that. but well, in this world seems like almost everyone is doing that. Getting used to it and must live with it. While heading home my foot step was heavy, I dunno why also. I wasn’t thinking of anything for the first time. The feeling is so bad that its beyond description. Never mind, thinking that I will be spending moon cake festival in China makes me a little excited. First time spending it overseas, guess it will be a pretty fun experience because China will have the mood and atmosphere there. Looking forward to my trip in mid September and must save hard my expenses there.

My Final Blessing For You

Went online and saw your nick there but knowing for sure that you will not pop me a message even though I were to keep my comp on for the whole day. You just treat me like as though I am transparent. If that is really the case, I hope that you chose to forget me completely and just treat it that you never know me in this life time. And I will do the same thing back to you.

Perhaps time will really change one person, I should slowly delete off all the sms that you sent me. It is no longer significant to me any more. The more I look at it the more it will bring tears to me. So why should I put myself in such misery when you dun even care at all. I was thinking to myself that I’m really very foolish to cry so much for this relationship. Maybe you are right, you cant provide me a future and will not stop me for looking for my own happiness.

Have a thought over it already, and I guess that it have been quite sometimes since the cool down period. I decided not to hang on to it already and I want to walk out of this once and for all. Though it will hurt but I rather it be a short term pain them to lead to a great pain next time. I will not tell you face to face about this because it has been rather obvious that you chose to give it up first. Dun worry, I’ll not sms you anymore and eventually will forget your presence in my life. If we happen to bum into each other one day, just treat it as though I’m a stranger to you. Dun acknowledge me cause I wun acknowledge you as well. I dun want both parties to feel embarrassed.

I once thought that when couple breaks up they can always be friend. And I strongly believe in that, but my point of view changed with time. I would rather lose a friend and not wanting to meet him again this life time cause I dun wanna to be hurt once again. Will feel weird when get to see him once again, just treat it as though I have lost one friend in this world. Sometimes you have to loss some and gain some in life. There will not be a balance up in life. Just treat it that this will be my final blessing for you and you just take care of yourself. Will not think of you anymore and forget as much things as possible. Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow my memories will just delete off parts that contains you. Isn’t this better for both parties? Take care and bye for now…..

Nation Birthday

9 August 2005, Tuesday – Sunny

Happy Birthday Singapore, it’s a public holiday for the nation. and every one will be on holiday mood, some might have gone for a long weekend to HKG, BKK for nearby countries for a short trip. Whereas for me, I’ll we working and actually dun mind working on PH cause the calls volume is not that high. Thinking about a long weekend, and you promised to bring me to KL but guess it will never happen. I shall go there myself or with my colleagues one of this day. Promises are always meant to be broken.

During work, it was quite fun though was boring. I was doing my own things so time dun seems to past slowly. My male colleagues were bored until they read female magazines and we were like mocking at them. Towards the end of the day almost 8 pm, we started gossiping about others and she is well known for her fakeness and apple polishing. No one can stand her, the best thing was I’m just seated beside her. So need to be highly on guard of her else will die. Throughout the day, I kept looking at my hp hoping that there will be SMS coming in but expectation normally will lead to disappointment. Like I say you will never SMS me anymore unless Singapore stated snowing.

Saw a little of the fireworks, casue the extended the celebration to the neighbourhood area. Looking at the fireworks like me think of last year moon cake festival. When we were in the cab, we happened to see the firework over at boat quay. It was a very nice scene and its so romatic. Just as though it will only appear in drama or movies but it indeed happen in real life for us. But good things dun least and I really believe this one. Well, what to do this is part and parcel of life to go through all this.

Was heading home, see the flux of people moving towards the interchange and it was so crowed. They were either with the family or the other half, and I’m all alone here waiting for my that somebody to come. Guess it will never happen again. My missing for you is so bad, I really wished that I could tell you all this. But thinking that, so what if I’m going to tell you all this? You will still do nothing about it cause the feeling you had for me is not there anymore. And I dun wanna be a burden to you anymore. So I kept this all to myself…..

2005 Is A Bad Year For ME

Having to cry before I slept again, and my eyes were really tired. I woke up feeling very tired and nearly didn’t wanted to go to work. But I still drag myself to work cause when I’m work I wun think so much as I really need to concentrate fully else will make mistake that can be prevented. I can feel myself feeling tired, the moment I reached my work place my colleague say what happen to me. Why my eyes looked so puffy I went out to play izzit. The fact was I didn’t have a good night and cant feel to sleep too. You ignore my sms as I expected and my family problems and a lot more things running endless up on my mind. Through out the day, I have been waiting for you sms but it never came it. Guess, waiting for you to send me a sms will be like expecting Singapore to snow.

After work, meet my sister for dinner as my mom is not cooking. As we were walking around
Tampines Mall, happen to bump into my aunt and had dinner with them together. We talked about life and marriage. They were asking, when are we getting married and do we have a specified age of getting marry. I actually have the thoughts of getting married off by the age of 25 or 26 but looking at my parents and the couples out there and my own relationships really makes me have second thoughts of settling down. Because settling down is not only 2 peoples affair but it involves a lot more people to get things work out.

While they were talking, I started to think of you. And the things we had done together in Tampines Mall and the last time we went there for dinner at Phines Steak. Doubt we will have the chance to go back there again. Or even will be able to meet up once again, not to worry I will eventually return you your ring by not mailing it back to you. Instead I will take the extra effort to go all the way and put it inside your mail box. You will not appreciate whatever I do for you anymore.

After a long talk, we finally parted and our way home I keep very quiet cause I feel very tired. As we came out from the lift and walked down the stairs my foot steps seems to be so much heavier. I suddenly have the feeling of not going home, cause I dunno how to face mom and break the news to her. I just feared and she might not be able to take it, and I try not to have any conversation with her. The feeling is just very weird, I feel bad for both parties but there is no way that we can help. Eventually, this is the problem between the both of them.

I thought I can forget about you easily but seems that I’m wrong. I cant be that “xiao xa” in life and will normally be hold back by memories. Oh my god, I’m really feeling very very tired and really hope that I can go on a long long break. But thinking of my financially burden I have to hold back and think twice and continue slogging for the sake of my living. Sometimes, I ask myself why my life is in such a misery. Isn’t there a better way for me?

As a whole, I find that year 2005 is not a good year to start up with and I dunno how will it end. Guess 2005 x’mas and new year I will be spending it alone again and my next year resolution for 2006 is to be able to be a cabin crew and make more money and money. Relationship is no longer important to me cause I have a bad sared and phobia of getting married.

Sad Sad Sad

2005 is really a bad year for me, I have been crying a lot due to a lot of problems. For work, relationship and my family. Oh my, I’m really very tired and I really wanna a break away from here and go to somewhere that I can really relax myself and live a worried free life for the rest of my life.

I cry once badly today again, due to the fact that my father is breaking the new that he wanna divorce my mother. Perhaps, this is a better way for the both of them I guess. Some times I really feel very tired to be sandwiched between both of my parents. Each have their side of story to say and I really dunno who to side. Having a simple request of a happy family what my father wanted cause he didn’t have one since young. Just like a I do, I hope that I can have a happy family next time. But looking at things going this way, I really did stay single and be alone for the rest of my life. What is happiness to me? I really dunno and dunno how to definite the word

Cause I have not enconunter it before, heaven always been so cruel to me. never like me get the things I wanna. Or should I say, things always dun go the way I wan even though I fought hard for it. Sometimes people will say just submit to fate but I will never give up in trying or obtaining the things I want. Unless there is really no other way out but guess really have to give in to fate at times.

My father has a talk with us, bring about the past and future. Suddenly make me think, how foolish and navie I was back then. To do all kind of stupid things that can’t be prevented but I think people just learn from mistake and be a better person. Have to bump around and realize who are the baddy and who the good ones are. Like I say, having to be street smart it will have a price to pay.Well, will have to carry the burden of looking after the family needs. Including giving mother allowance, paying all the bills and all other stuff. It give me the thinking that having a family is really not easy.

I blame it on heaven once again, why some people can just take the money they earn to do whatever they like and go traveling as and when they like? Unlike me, every month go to contribute and make sure that my salary is sufficient to keep me going. I wanna go and find a part-time and earn extra cash for the time being until I fulfill my dreams of flying. After today, I really swear and will work hard that I’m going to wear that SIA cabin crew uniform one day.

After some thoughts, my heart was actually very dishearten wanna not to pursue any further in the relationship. because I totally have no faith in love any more, getting myself hurt time after time and see people around parted. It really sadden me a lot and looking at the cross stitch that I’m going to sew and give it to you. I actually thought of not continuing it and just leave it aside. As I make a lot of mistake when counting the exactly number of colour code.

I have attempted to give it out because once I make a mistake I have to unstitch the whole lot portion and stitch again. Once again this is very time consuming and a lot of my effort is placed in it. I was thinking, will you know how to appreciate it or what will you be feeling when you receive it. Maybe, after you look at it you will just leave it at one side and let my work befriend the dirt and dust of your room.

At least, through this period I have learned that in life you will encounter a lot of failure. And once you have met failure, are you willing to give in the time and effort once again to try again and get it done, completed or fulfilled. There is always one word to descript that is no pain no gain. Normally people will have to go through some suffering before they have the tasted of what sweetness is. I never chose to give up but continue fighting to the last minute before I get the thing completed and finally have it delivered to you door step or mail box.

I MISS YOU BADLY

Its another day off on Saturday but it come with a price, nothing in the world is free. For the price of having a Saturday off is to swap shift with my colleague to 11 – 8. I dun mind working this shift but the thing is that I’ll reached home quite late and hardly got thing to do my own things. On the other hand, I hate working on Saturday because not many people will be back to work and it can really be boring at times. Well well well, what do I really want? The best it to get 9 – 6 always and a Saturday, then I shall not complaint that much.

Today is a weekend, most of the people will be flocking to town to shop, watch movies, catch up with friends or clubbing. But the poor me nowhere to go and dun wished to go anywhere so stayed home the whole day. I dun find it boring because I got my things to do and time seems to past so fast without me realizing it. Sometimes, how I wished I dun have to sleep so I can used the time to do something else. Having a sleepless night, I started to do the things I like most which is thinking.

I think about a lot of things, my life and my future, my relationship, my family. Realizing it is all blank and I dunno where to start and proceed from there. As I think through the night, I have the sudden urge to text you and ask you how you have been. And the time is 3.30 am. If I really SMS you at that time you might think that I’m mad. So I hold back and lay on my bed holding my hp with all then text ready and my finger to key in your number but eventually I cleared them off and fallen asleep.

I dun wanna to disturb you at weird hours as you might have been things to do. But all I wanna say is that I really miss you a lot and really hope you can hear it. I guess there is no way that you will be able to see all this and hear me.

When i think of you, this song keep running through my mind and really wished to dedicate this song to you and let you know how i feel.

你怎么舍得我难过

对你的思念是一天又一天

孤单的我还是没有改变

美丽的梦何时才能出现

亲爱的你好想再见你一面

秋天的风一阵阵的吹过

想起了去年的这个时候

你的心到底在想些什么

为什么留下这个结局让我承受

最爱你的人是我

你怎么舍得我难过

在我最需要你的时候没有说一句话就走

最爱你的人是

你怎么舍得我难过对你付出了这么多

你却没有感动过

I MISS YOU BADLY DARLING

I STILL LOVE YOU A LOT ALOT!!!

Days Without You

Without realising today is actually month after you have initiate a cool down period but you still dun seems to be doing anything neither do i. guess we are the same type of people, will not automatically taken our phone and ask someone out unless need a farvour from them. To me I’ll not even ask a farvour from people unless I really have not way to solved to problem. Cause I’m not those type of people who will actually lower myself to beg people just to do something for me. Even worst, still have to see their face just to get things done.

Maybe due to my up bring, that leads me to what I am now. Should I be grateful to my parents or hate them to make me behaviour this way? since young have seen how my parents due to poor communications quarrel with each other and eventually lead to a one party walking out of the family. So it leads me to keep everything to myself and make my own decision in what I’m doing. Somehow it leads me to become very independent, some times when I feel lost in my future I dunno who to turn to or tell me problems to. Will keep everything to myself until I have an answer to it and then I’ll feel better.

I might seems to be very out spoken and bubbly when I’m with friends but when I’m at home, I rather chose to be quiet and do my own things. And I prefer to be alone most of the times also. When I’m alone, I will think a lot regardless the good thing or the bad things I will have them all link together. Sometimes, when I think it will actually help me to solve a lot things and have solutions to problem that I’m facing. At times, it will let me think of negative stuff and become very sad after that.

Waiting For 30 Aug 2005

Finally able to leave the office before the sun set and able to reach home before 7 pm. Little did I realise that I for the past 3 weeks I have been working late and go home late. By time I reached home I’m so tired already and totally have no energy to go anything else. All I want is to sleep and have enough rest. But thinking of that, I cant as I still got a lot of things to do and need to complete it before the month end. Time is really run short and passes fast.

Soon enough the first week of August is coming to an end soon and another 3 weeks will be 30 August when we first being together. Well, we are not be able to cross the 1 year mark and celebrate this special day. Nevertheless, I have something for you and still thinking whether to give the thing to you or not. Even if so, what would you feel and I really scared of rejection. Maybe once again, I will not have any reply from you. This is all the thing that keep hinder my mind. And lastly, before 30 Aug come will there be any miracle that is going to happen?

Will you call me, sms me, msn and chat with me or leave a message over friendster? Or will you even really this day. Perhaps you might have forgotten all this and will not even care or bothered about it. Because its not longer important to you already. All your mind now is work work work. As I was right, you will not want to reconcile any more as you dun see there is a point to. Its ok with me, as this is not my first time being hurt and but its my first time being very deeply hurt. I have think over it and come to my sense, what will be your it will be. No point forcing anything cause it wun bring happiness. Maybe you are right love someone might not need to be with that someone.

Moody Day

Work getting busier and busier and during work I hardly had anything time to go toilet or do anything personal. Not saying surfing net because of fraud cases the company had banned a lot of websites. The only site that keeps me entertain all day will be www.singaporeair.com I pratically read almost everything and explore the site.

Calls after calls and it really makes me very tired after work. The moment I reached home, dun have the energy to do anything else. But I have a bet to go on, but times seem to be running out. And I’m not too sure whether can I win the bet or not. I really wished I could stay up all night just to finish my things. But I’m just so tired after work and dun have the extra energy to do anything. Looking at my own progress makes me a little disappointed. But I’m definitely going to make it before the month end.

One of my TL sms me and ask me whether am I working hard on that thing. And I say yes, and he asked did u miss you and my answer definitely is a yes. I wanted so much to tell you that I miss you face to face but I dun have the chance. My TL ask me not too think so much, just treat it as part and parcel of life that everyone has to go through. He was concern about me ask I kept making mistake during work. And ask me whats the reason behind it.

I told him frankly that I was actually very distracted during work. I simply cant concentrate during work and I will keep thinking about things. And it makes my heat and mind wander and cannot give me 100% during work. I’m very tired of all this and I dunno when can I bring all this to a stop? Sometimes, I think that I’m very foolish to have spent so much time and effort on the cross stitch. I was thinking, will you be touched by it or you will not feel anything? I dunno, I have complete almost 50% of it and no matter what I will complete it and decide at the end of the day whether to give it to you or not. One of my colleague comment that “my bf” is so lucky. But I was thinking, you will not appreciate it just like her husband. Whether you like it or not, just treat it as a memories for myself them.

As I expected, I replied to your message in friendster I dun expect any reply from you. My feeling was right, guess we really become complete stranger to each other. If you really wanna end this relationship, I got nothing to say. I’ll move on with life and like many people say LOVE isn’t everything. And there are better guys out there. I dun understand why people will keep saying that I got a lot of suitors, but in fact I really wanna tell them I dun have and no guys is after me. if I tell them, they will not believe also.

I find the following text very meaningful:

如果爱上你是一种错

我深信这是我一生中最美的错

我宁愿这样错一辈子

你看得见我打在屏母上的字

却看不见我掉在键盘上的泪

或是爱情不一定完美

我宁愿选这无悔

不管未来多么美好

我无法我忘记今生对你的回忆

希望我在死后能做一个天使

永远守护着你

Thinking of You Badly

2 August 2005, Tuesday – Cloudy

It was a Monday morning, and I started work at 0830 hrs. Monday blues and early in the morning kanna scolded by Salbiah, so my mood wasn’t that right. Kanna scolded in the morning in not a very good thing. I walked into the office, to take some stationeries and you were there to greet me “Good Morning” with a smile. Though I was grumpy but still greeted you back. This is how you started your first conversation with me. Exactly one year ago you started work at Comat. This is when heaven brought us together and gave me a wonderful time when I with you but eventually part us. Heaven really know how to fool people.

I went into friendster and look around, and I see Cindy’s profile and she is indeed a compulsive traveler. Every envy her as she travel a lot and see a lot too. I really swear that I’m going to be a Cabin Crew one day and travel round the global. And happen to see her ROM photos with you inside, when I saw that pictures. I suddenly misses you a lot a lot and started to think of you since then. When I saw that pictures, I recalled that I was nearly 3 months that we have last seen each other already. You choose not to meet me and ignore me, what can I do. Perhaps this is the best way out for the both of you.

You say that we need sometimes to really think over what we wanna right? But I think, ultimately you still will not have an answer to it. You are confused about whether you want to continue this relationship or not. so what we both are given time to think over what we wanna, given 1 month, 6 months or even 1 year you still wun have any answer. And I know right from the start if I stop this relationship we will not be able to be together again. I wun blame you cause you are a married man and furthermore your status is not cleared yet. Maybe you will reconcile with Karen and decided not to divorce her. Or you have found someone even better and clear your status once and for all to marry her. I really dunno about it and are so clueless about it, just blame myself for being a fool to have fallen so deeply for you and eventually being hurt by you.

Well, what are meant to be it will be? They say you have to fight for your own happiness, but I fought for it once but eventually lose it. Maybe I dunno how to treasure you and make known to you how much I love you. As you know, maybe you wun that I’m not a person who will express my feeling for someone. And will not initiate to do something as I’m more passive then active.

Flooded By Calls

Every working adults hate Monday to come cause they need to work, there are exceptional who simply love they job so much and cant wait for Monday to arrive and go to work. Everything when smoothly, perhaps today is Monday and long weekends is coming. There are flux of calls coming in like nobody business. Keep answering calls non stop and feel so tired and I hardly have the chance to walk around and ask then for help if I need. We are like so engaged in doing our own things and busy answering calls.

The only time I can really take a break is during my pathertic 45 mins. So having such a long day at work and talk so much, sometimes after work I really wun talk much. I can only used words to express myself and how am I feeling at the moment. Cause words would hurt me and will not talk about to me. only will listen to me quietly and let me bang my anger on.

Got a call from joan and she did talk about her business “insurance” and later we change to other topic. We talk about relationship. how the butch compliment me by saying me cute and slowly talk about her and mary. And she arrow the thing back to me, asking me how am I getting along. I say I still need time to overcome this and need time to heal. She told me something that really makes me wonder and started thinking about. You may be very good to me at first but eventually you are just toying with my feelings. Whether this statement she say is true or not, I really dunno cause only you yourself know it best.

Other then that, she might be right this is not the first time you are having affairs also. So what’s new with that right? Perhaps you may be dating other woman right now, and just that I dunno about it. And uses work as an excuse to cover everything. Sometimes, I might be thinking too much and there are like to much coincidence that I told myself this cannot be the case and I have think too much. Whatever it is, I think woman in this life time are meant to be used by guys and being toyed around with their feelings.

What Joan comments also right, she say that all guys in this world are selfish. They only think for themselves and never spare a thought for the gals. Joan’s friend told her that pretty and sexy gals are meant to be keep as lover and flirt around only. Whereas, if you are looking for wife its better to look for a plain Jane. The rational behind this is because other guy will not hitch onto their wife. What a jerk Joan’s friend can be but whether we like it or not this is the mentality of a guy.

Her words have great impact on me and makes me think. But eventually I still have the trust you in that you wun do such things. But nothing can be guaranteed in life and you are such a sweet talker, and you will not lack of gals surrounding you. This is another thing will be keep as a misery forever. Looking at life, I really lost faith in MAN and dun think will wanna get married this life time. Cause the man i meet are the same, none of which are serious about me perhaps this is karma and I’m getting all this on behalf of my parents. Why I must undergo all this. Is it really that hard to be able to find someone who really love me and shower his love and concern for me? I doubt I will be able to get it this life time.

Nothing great about marriage or whatsoever, being alone is also a very wonderful things. Dun have to worry so much for this and that. And commitment wise and responsibilities is not that heavy as well. Right, I should stay single and best go look for a gal to love me and turn myself into lesbian. Well, why no guys turn into gays because they are hurt by gals and via versa.